tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post2936645179299261635..comments2023-12-11T03:32:58.722-05:00Comments on Twisted Roads By Jack Riepe: Bottoms Up...Jack Riepehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-74608480993243219652010-02-03T02:17:22.812-05:002010-02-03T02:17:22.812-05:00Dear IronDad (Dan):
Yee of such little faith.
A...Dear IronDad (Dan):<br /><br />Yee of such little faith. <br /><br />A local Amish boy went into town with his pet rooster. He decided he wanted two things: to drink and to watch a movie. New to this, he was afraid he would not be permitted to bring the bird nto the theatre... So he shoved it in his pants.<br /><br />Havinh consumed a pint of Bourbon, he promptly feel asleep in the dark hall. Two young girls sat down next to him, one of whom witnessed the rooster's head emerge from the guy's open fly.<br /><br />"Billie Jean," she said to the girl with her. "This guy's got his pecker out."<br /><br />"Nothing you haven't seen before," replied her friend.<br /><br />"Yeah, but this one is eating my popcorn."<br /><br />Fondest regards,<br />Jack • reep • ToadJack Riepehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-80303662288787411782010-02-02T21:10:49.608-05:002010-02-02T21:10:49.608-05:00I heard a story once of a guy passed out drunk in...I heard a story once of a guy passed out drunk in a park. Some other nameless wise guy pulled the drunk's pant zipper open then sprinkled bread crumbs in a trail leading inside.<br /><br />Sure enough, a duck followed the bread crumbs. This was an enthusiastic duck who wanted the crumbs deep inside. While the duck was busily at work the drunk woke up to see some creature hanging out of his fly. It was a frenzy of fun, at least for the onlookers. Not so fun for either the drunk or the duck.<br /><br />The drunk punched the duck a time or two, thereby earning the eternal nickname of "Duck Socker".<br /><br />I don't believe your story, as much as I'd like to. You see, I don't believe a woman has ever been born who can complete the pee ritual in 30 seconds. Sorry.irondadhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17821323482397075170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-80014706986519472722010-02-02T18:57:43.392-05:002010-02-02T18:57:43.392-05:00Dear MotoNomad (Peter):
You are quite right in th...Dear MotoNomad (Peter):<br /><br />You are quite right in this last remark. I have been the victim of professional snake charmers on several occasions. Once they remove the fangs, the testicles are quick to follow. <br /><br />Fondest regards,<br />Jack • reep • ToadJack Riepehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-70277209997328292812010-02-02T18:02:00.029-05:002010-02-02T18:02:00.029-05:00Jack,
As you know better than most, none of them ...Jack,<br /><br />As you know better than most, none of them look like that when we marry them, because we only see them from the perspective of the one-eyed snake.<br /><br />MotoNomadmotonomadhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11957968205027911381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-59864239974982841262010-02-02T13:20:25.624-05:002010-02-02T13:20:25.624-05:00Dear MotoNomad (Pete Buchheit):
Did she look like...Dear MotoNomad (Pete Buchheit):<br /><br />Did she look like that when you married her? If so, you will be removed from the pole dancer selection committee chair position before we take our next ride.<br /><br />Fondest regards,<br />Jack • reep • Toad<br />Twisted RoadsJack Riepehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-27220432510933346092010-02-02T13:16:51.057-05:002010-02-02T13:16:51.057-05:00Dear Allen Madding:
Cantwell couldn't explain...Dear Allen Madding:<br /><br />Cantwell couldn't explain himself out of a ladies' bathroom, in a run down Adirondack bar, where he was found sitting under the sink with a cheap video camera. <br /><br />Fondest regards,<br />Jack • reep • Toad<br />Twisted RoadsJack Riepehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-60833092727736477312010-02-02T13:14:19.086-05:002010-02-02T13:14:19.086-05:00Dear Cantwell (Michael):
My numerous divorces hav...Dear Cantwell (Michael):<br /><br />My numerous divorces have resulted in the loss of my lungs (which a lawyer removed with a broken bottle) and my balls (which another attorney took off after hacking through them for a half hour with a chainsaw).<br /><br />The cable you see hanging down is steel rope which allows pole dancers the same joy experienced by kids on a tire swing.<br /><br />This winter can't pass fast enough. <br /><br />Fondest regards,<br />Jack • reep • Toad<br />Twisted RoadsJack Riepehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-83838020072050589122010-02-02T13:07:22.770-05:002010-02-02T13:07:22.770-05:00Dear SgSidekick:
I am not an authority on the pre...Dear SgSidekick:<br /><br />I am not an authority on the preditors that infest the waters of Oklahoma, but in Upstate New York (the real Upstate, north of Albany), the Great Sacandaga Lake ios known as a breeding ground for migratory duck. It is also home to record size Muskelunge, who think nothing of eating ducklings, and their parents. One of the favorite lures for catching such fish is a rubber field mouse or a rat. <br /><br />I am surprised at the number of responses this story drew, from folks who have seen waterfowl take the final plunge, and from others like myelf, who understand the true nature of swans.<br /><br />Thank you for reading my tripe, and for commenting.<br /><br />Fondest regards,<br />Jack • reep • Toad<br />Twisted RoadsJack Riepehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-14441996809319899052010-02-02T09:54:43.775-05:002010-02-02T09:54:43.775-05:00Jack,
That snapper bears a striking resemblance t...Jack,<br /><br />That snapper bears a striking resemblance to my ex-wife, who was unsuccessful in her many attempts to bite my head off.<br /><br />Thanks for the fun read.motonomadhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11957968205027911381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-57706895323289212192010-02-01T20:33:35.911-05:002010-02-01T20:33:35.911-05:00Cantwell,
That explains a lot. Thanks for 'spl...Cantwell,<br />That explains a lot. Thanks for 'splainin'.<br /><br />-PeaceAllen Maddinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03975320122826127770noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-69504755711942824752010-02-01T20:06:08.393-05:002010-02-01T20:06:08.393-05:00Metaphors in this story:
Swan's neck, Jacks p...Metaphors in this story:<br /><br />Swan's neck, Jacks private parts.<br /><br />Ginormous Snapping Turtle, Ex-wives.<br /><br />The reason why Jack can ride for hours and hours without stopping to pee....foley catheter.<br />True story. That's why the cords on his new Gergbing heated vest don't bother him when the hang down near his legs.Cantwellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17512417293017303810noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-28806625672203252782010-02-01T18:28:54.540-05:002010-02-01T18:28:54.540-05:00Now that was a surprise ending!! *lol* Reminds me ...Now that was a surprise ending!! *lol* Reminds me of the little manmade lake in OK when we lived there. We'd go to watch the ducks and ducklings. One time we watched a long line of ducklings get whittled down from the back. The last 'ling was sucked under, and soon the next one disappeared. Heck of a way for the shrieking kids to learn about death. It was almost funny how fast parents were jerking kids back from the pond; almost as fast as the 'lings were disappearing!<br /><br />You sure know how to turn a phrase, Jack.sgsidekickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17649169267084831571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-60474301707392831182010-02-01T15:27:15.800-05:002010-02-01T15:27:15.800-05:00Dear Ihor:
Your assignment, should you decide to ...Dear Ihor:<br /><br />Your assignment, should you decide to accept it, is to fuind a restaurant that serves turtle soup, and to make the reservations. I have never had it. It has also crossed my mind to go to Germany, buy some Lederrhosen, and blast away at swans to my heart's content. <br /><br />Fondest regards,<br />Jack • reep • ToadJack Riepehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-59099869835998616222010-02-01T14:59:35.387-05:002010-02-01T14:59:35.387-05:00And isn't it just sad that snapper soup is on ...And isn't it just sad that snapper soup is on many a menu in nearby states yet try ordering swan and you'll not be looked upon as reasonable. In fact the outrage directed at you will be severe; as if you suggested moving the occupants of a hospital nursery with a pitchfork. I too stop to assist terrapins crossing roads, did so some years ago not a quarter mile from home. Shoveled the fellow into a tennis court sized pond where it gets its fill of ducklings, goslings and offspring of other waterfowl. Fun to watch. <br />Next time we dine we should have snapper soup in tribute to the gator of the Mid-Atlantic; pass the sherry.Menu scanning, Ihornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-92205964104867648092010-02-01T14:49:12.467-05:002010-02-01T14:49:12.467-05:00Dear Mike Evans:
Freud once said, "Sometimes...Dear Mike Evans:<br /><br />Freud once said, "Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar."<br /><br />But sometimes, it's not. I was wondering who among my global audience would be the first to see through me. Then again, I shoul never have doubted you. <br /><br />I will be so disappointed if you cannot make my first group ride of the year, on March 20, 2010.<br /><br />Fondest regards,<br />Jack • reep • ToadJack Riepehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-89488068076424704772010-02-01T14:32:08.000-05:002010-02-01T14:32:08.000-05:00Hmmm...I can't help but wonder if this story i...Hmmm...I can't help but wonder if this story is really a metaphor in which the swan, much as you described, represents all things beautiful, romantic and divine. The design of many wedding dresses mimic the appearence of a swan. The snapping turtle represents a Russian mail-order bride. The distinct snapping sound is actually two sounds playing out simultaneously - the first is the unlatching of an empty dowry box, the second is the vice-like clamping of her hands on the prey's testicles.<br /><br />But then I could be way off.Michael Evanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15716779367940562583noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-58592679803268815482010-02-01T11:38:35.653-05:002010-02-01T11:38:35.653-05:00Dear Charlie6 (Dom):
None of us saw the decapita...Dear Charlie6 (Dom): <br /><br />None of us saw the decapitation of the swan as an eventuality. Yet it remains the clearest example of life in general. One moment, you're the prince of the pond, gracefully floating around demanding tribute. And in the next second, you're a headless carcass subject to ridicule in my blog. <br /><br />There is a moral in this story for those (of the pink croc clique) who insist on speaking down to me as if I were a kink in the food chain. Indeed there is.<br /><br />Thank you for writing in and commenting. I can always count on you to be awed by nature's splendor. I understand the average size of these common snapping turtles is about 14 pounds. <br /><br />One early Saturday morning, I found one trying to cross all six lanes of the New Jersey Turnpike, where it traverses the swamps in Bergen County. I pulled over and attempted to kick it back in the right direction. The ungrateful son of a bitch went after my foot. I thought, "Have it your way. Get mashed by a truck."<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />Jack • reep • ToadJack Riepehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-53872089490366632082010-02-01T11:29:55.670-05:002010-02-01T11:29:55.670-05:00Dear Toymaker:
You are quite right in your assess...Dear Toymaker:<br /><br />You are quite right in your assessment. It is a little known fact that more people are killed each year by swans than by sharks and grizzley bears combined. Yet the swan lobby in Washington effectively masks the carnage. Why? To make a buck.<br /><br />Thank you for reading my blog, and for gracing it with your comment. Intelligent, constructive comments — like yours — are always welcome. Some folks just like to take cheap shots from the comfort of their little tropical paradises. But you and I know the truth, and it will set us free.<br /><br />Fondest regards,<br />Jack • reep • ToadJack Riepehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-16499346931851023932010-02-01T11:25:00.629-05:002010-02-01T11:25:00.629-05:00Dear Conch:
As a writer who sees the whole world ...Dear Conch:<br /><br />As a writer who sees the whole world as grist for his mill, I make it my business to be in the right place at the right time. I suspect my visit to Key West, the Sodom and Gomorrah of the New World, will enable me to put into proper perspective the goings on of that Mayberry from hell. Has it occurred to you that I may merely be God's instrument to smite the nakedly unholy (in my own way) and the Godless Trotsky-ites?<br /><br />Thank you for continuing to read my blog, for commenting, and for having made me your role model. <br /><br />Fondest regards, etcetera<br />Jack • reep • ToadJack Riepehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-1133131954041816022010-02-01T11:17:55.715-05:002010-02-01T11:17:55.715-05:00Dear Nikos:
On a hot July day, I will drink a qu...Dear Nikos:<br /><br />On a hot July day, I will drink a quart of water (after consuming my usual five cups of coffee). I will then turn the air conditioning down to 60 degrees (US). Only then will I don my riding gear. I will start to sweat like a moose in labor after taking two steps into the garage. I will be soaked in my own saline long before I get onto the bike. <br /><br />I will then ride all day, perhaps consuming two additional quarts of liquid — without taking a piss. It amazes me how many women have a bladder the size of a walnut, apparently. <br /><br />Fondest regards,<br />Jack • reep • Toad<br />Twisted RoadsJack Riepehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07531160098262862027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-17595860689664593122010-02-01T08:48:59.782-05:002010-02-01T08:48:59.782-05:00OK, you got me....I didn't see the witnessing ...OK, you got me....I didn't see the witnessing of a real time swan decapitation coming.....<br /><br />Quite an interesting way to explain the title of your post. That must have been some turtle!redlegsrideshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10927757855921321097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-24216906111138811082010-02-01T08:06:11.705-05:002010-02-01T08:06:11.705-05:00Having spent many years in a Kayak paddling all ov...Having spent many years in a Kayak paddling all over New England I totally agree with your description<br />of swans. Actually your description was too kind. I would have loved to see the decapitation of one of those floating pit bulls.Toymakernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-77487130007824754622010-02-01T07:41:45.625-05:002010-02-01T07:41:45.625-05:00I cannot see how I can avoid taking out extra insu...I cannot see how I can avoid taking out extra insurance if you ever show up in Key West. That will be the day God manifests herself and drops a meteorite on Duval Street; or the day La Concha is found to have a fatal flaw as all seven stories tumble on the crowds below.<br />You are s shit magnet of biblical effect.Conchscooterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08016331487463993200noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6428154721977251894.post-69314601656889019142010-02-01T06:24:17.581-05:002010-02-01T06:24:17.581-05:00For some perverse reason this story has gotten me ...For some perverse reason this story has gotten me thinking what the point of a She-pee(tm)is.Nikoshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03119901226987582553noreply@blogger.com