Getting Or Giving The Perfect Moto Gift For Christmas!

There are many great aspects to Christmas... Religious... Cultural... Family... Personal... And presents. My column today will deal with the “Fifth Aspect,” known in the vernacular as “swag.” The standard Christmas present can also be broken down into a number of subcategories. These include the “surprise or the anticipated” gift; the incredibly thoughtful present or the pre-wrapped shit that was on the “reduced” table closest to the exit in the store; the real McCoy and brand name item that you always wanted but wouldn’t spend the money on or the usual knockoff crap you get from your brother-in-law.

The truth is that most Christmas gifts mirror the personalities of the people who give them. This is why your sister’s husband (or the equivalent pineapple on your family tree) will always give you the drugstore plastic flashlight three-pack in exchange for the bottle of great Scotch.

So why not start to smarten up? I annually contribute to a charity by purchasing a box of light bulbs. I wrapped last year’s shipment and gave them to the family curse. He tore them open and said, “Jack did you mean to give these to me?”

“Are they the 75-watt ones,” I asked back?

“Uh huh,” he replied.

‘Yup. Those are yours. I gave the 50 watt ones to Ed.”

Ideally, what you are hoping for is a surprise gift, that falls into the thoughtful category, and is the real McCoy. In many cases, these attributes add up to expensive... But not always. The best gifts are those that delight every time they are used. And if they are well made, then they will last forever, and so will the memory of the day and the person who gave it to you. This is my short list of great gifts that I like to give my pals and riding buddies. Each item has a moto application, and most are under $30. They make excellent stocking stuffers -- And fine recommendations for those wondering what they should get you.

Item #1
The Mini Maglite “AA” LED Flashlight
There is nothing more aggravating than to find yourself in the dark with a crumby flashlight that casts an anemic beam or doesn’t work at all. I have had Mini Maglites for more than 15 years. I can never get enough of these.
• 3 Watt LED technology
• Focusable beam
• Built like a brick shithouse
• Made in the USA
Available at Campmor (online) for $22.99

I consider the "AA" Mini Maglite to be essential equipment on my bike

And I really like the power and pure white light of the LED model.

Item #2 (For above)

NiteIze Mini Flashlight Holder
The power went out during a vicious ice storm in the Adirondacks, and stayed off for two weeks! These little headbands are like having an extra hand and eliminate holding the light in your mouth.
• A headband that make mini lights “hands free”
Available from Campmor (online) for $4.99

This is like having a third hand. It weights nothing and stays tight around the light.

The Mini Flashlight Holder by NiteIze is standard equipment on my bike too.

Item #3

Nissan 1 Pint Silver Bullet Stainless Steel Vacuum Bottle
Did you ever ride off to a great spot on a lake or even the shore on a late fall day and wish for a hot cup of coffee? This pint-sized vacuum bottle from Nissan fits nicely into a top case or a tank bag and keeps coffee hot! The small-sized insulated cup holds about four ounces -- which is perfect for sipping coffee outdoors, without letting it cool off in the cup.
• Stainless steel construction
• Holds a pint
• Fits into topcase or tank bag
Available at Campmor (online) for $19.99

On a cold day, you can have no closer friend than a hot cup of Joe

by the side of a river, valley, or beach -- especially if there is no

coffee shop around. I highly recommend this unit and it has a great price.

Item #4
E-Z Air Tire Gauge
There are any number of tire pressure gauges out there that will tell you how much air is in your rubber. But there’s only one that makes getting a good reading -- and topping off the pressure -- a snap. The E-Z Tire Pressure gauge snaps onto the valve via a 6” flex hose (perfect for getting around brake rotors) and gives you a clear reading on an analog gauge big enough to see without your glasses! Need to put a few pounds in? No problem! The air pump connects right to the gauge to give you the exact amount you want!
• Larger than you might expect -- fits into the topcase!
• Easy to use and great for those of us with stiff knees!
Available from Whitehorse Gear (online) for $25.00

This remarkable device maintains a tight bite on the valve, gives an accurate reading,

and makes it easy to top off the tire, even working around brake rotors.

Item #5
Formotion Motorcycle Thermometer (Stick-on)
I love to see the temperature I’m riding in -- especially if its cold. This little stick-on device starts out accuratly enough, but it will read hotter than hell if mounted on your bike’s exposed dash in the summer sun. Still, I like having one. It comes with white number on a black face (or black numbers on a white face) with double-sided adhesive tape.
• Looks cool... Works okay when it is cool out.
Available from Whitehorse Gear (online) $37.95

This picture is about twice as large as the real thing. I like getting data about my riding environment and this works well enough, as long as it's not getting direct summer sun.

Item #6
Helen Two Wheels Super Pack Straps
These straps come as two 6” lengths and two 5’ lengths. They provide scratch-proof lashings to just about any spot on your bike and eliminate those annoying pongee cords that can let go with disastrous results.
• Work better than pongee cords... Last forever.
• Better to order two sets.
Available from Racer Parts Wholesale (online) $22.00

Helen Two Wheels Super Pack Straps will give you tight lashings anyplace you 

can wrap a strap around your frame, without weak knots or pongee cords.

Won't scratch anything either.

Item #7
Tuthilltown Spirits -- Hudson Manhattan Rye Whiskey
This is the perfect accompaniment to the end of the trail. Hopefully, you’ve had a hot shower and have your feet up. The campfire is glimmering in the otherwise dim lens of the headlight. And you’re holding a Manhattan made with this extraordinary rye whiskey.
Available at select liquor stores in New York City that cater to a better clientele. Click here for more info.


And then again, you might have rated a slightly more expensive gift. Do you do a lot of camping on your bike? Do you attend a lot of regional rallies? Does your ass get tired of sitting on logs, rocks, or picnic bench seats -- especially after a long day in the saddle?

Item #8
The Incredible Kermit Chair
Then try the famous Kermit Chair. At 5 pounds, it will weigh more than your tent, but offers a great alternative to sitting on anything else. Made of oak with stainless steel fittings, it takes less than a minute to set up with no loose parts. And its rated to hold 350 pounds! It packs to 22” by 3.5.” And order the leg extenders while you’re at it. These raise the seat level to a standard 17.5.”
The chair is $129. The leg extenders are another $30.
• Supports 350 pounds -- tested to much higher!
• Made in the USA!
• Different colors available!
Available from the Kermit Chair Company

The Kermit Chair is without a doubt one of the most civil introductions

to motorcycle camping and rally participation. Great for canoe camping too!

Please note that I have no affiliation with any of these fine products. But I do own all of them and highly recommend each.
©Copyright Jack Riepe 2008
AKA The Lindbergh Baby (Mac-Pac)
AKA Vindak8r (Motorcycle Views)
AKA The Chamberlain-- PS (With A Shrug)

Learning to Travel Cheap... Compliments of “The Suits” at AIG, General Motors, and Citi Bank

The current economic crisis is going to play hell with the motorcycle industry and the suppliers of riding gear next year. With the Holiday season shaping up to be as cheery as the December the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, 2009 is going to get off to a very rocky start. Every rebound of the world markets is followed by a plunge of equal or greater magnitude, and today’s news of Citi Bank woes is driving home a sense of financial foreboding that few Americans can appreciate.

Those of us with a two-wheel addiction are going feel a hit. No matter how you slice it, riding a motorcycle is an expensive proposition.

There is nothing about a motorcycle that doesn’t fall under discretionary spending. Even the most Chevy-like Hondas (arguably the most maintenance friendly bikes on the road) will require tires two or three times more frequently than any car. That pretty much negates any savings in fuel -- especially at the current rock bottom prices. And those buying into this addiction this year -- starting from scratch -- will have the joy of purchasing riding gear too.

The worst way to purchase riding gear is the way I did it -- piecemeal. I bought the cheapest shit I could find to meet minimum riding parameters. This was a $69 dollar open-faced helmet and $10 gloves. I rode in jeans, hiking boots and a wind-resistant jacket that I had in my closet. Believe it or not, the first time I’d heard of a mesh jacket was in a Motorcycle Views forum. And then I bought the shitiest one of those I could find for $69 too!

Cheap gear always turns out to be the most expensive investment you can make... Because you are going to spend every cent of that money over again when the cheap shit breaks, splits, tears, soaks through, or dissolves when your cheap fat ass hits the pavement. You don’t have to spend top dollar to get great stuff, but you will pay 30 percent to 40 percent more to get adequate stuff. Regrettably, first time riders or reentry riders on a shoestring budget seldom see it that way. And the cash-tight constraints of 2009 are going to guarantee that a lot of riders are making due with cheap shit.

It can be argued that the average squid or kid-on-the street rider seldom gets this stuff anyway. But I was thinking of how the motorcycle market has come to depend on the middle-aged reentry rider who has had the cash to burn on a new bike and the stuff that comes with it. I read that the average age of the Harley Davidson rider is 58! That means the average BMW rider got their first bike six years after the last shot was fired in the Civil War.

That same freewheeling bunch is now discovering their retirement funds and 401k’s have been seriously devalued. The fixed income crowd is becoming cash-squeezed. And forty-year-old somethings who have been considering motorcycles, or who have recently acquired bike payments, are now finding themselves scrambling to meet the mortgage and grocery bills. Motorcycles have a way of becoming low priorities with those who are about to consider health care and tuition payments as luxuries.

I think at least two marques will come close to extinction as per their 2009 sales in the US. One because its Halloween costume life-style is based on converting gold into chrome excess, with the sale of clothing and trick or treat stuff becoming more important than the actual two-wheeled hardware itself. And the other because the cost of its trademark bikes is about $4000 more than a decent compact car, coupled with the fact the new corporate strategy is to have two dealers in the US (one on each coast).

I see a lot of barely used bikes going up for sale these days. I have noted that more than a few come with helmets, gloves, jackets, and left over visions now stained with a new reality. Some guys have discovered a new dimension to life: fear. If not a fear of dropping the bike in a curve, than the fear of dropping the financial ball.

How can we get through the next year? My discretionary fund is now a large jar filled with change harvested from my pockets every day and from the floor of the car once each month. It weighs about 25 pounds and is mostly quarters and dimes. This is my riding money for 2009. On the savings end, I have decided to limit dining out with the squeeze to once a month. This includes coming home with KFC, a pizza, or Chinese and should save from $150 to $200 on a monthly basis. I have a pretty well-stocked bar, but will no longer replenish it. I will drink down what I have and then give it up. Since I have premium cable, I will not go to another movie for a year. (Most of them really suck anyway.)

As far as Christmas gifts go, I’ll take care of Stiffie (my squeeze) and my daughter. For everyone else, I’m going to plant a tree to honor their friendship, and to offset the carbon bullshit of politicians scrambling to fix the economy.

I typically spend $10-$20 on a meal when I stop on a trip. That’s because I look for a nice country tavern. That’s over now. I will begin packing my lunch when I head out for a ride. I bought a great stainless steel Nissan/Thermos for $19 last year. It holds a pint. I have a special coffee at home that I love. I will be able to fill the vacuum bottle for $1.10, and enjoy a better steaming cup of Joe than I can find at most greasy spoons. A #1 “Big Mac” meal at McDonalds runs about 1800 calories and costs $5.99 At the current price of gas, about $2.40 a gallon for high-test in Pennsylvania, that’s more than 130 miles of range.

I may have to rediscover camping too. I made my first reservation for a bike trip in 2009. It’s a run I’ve done before, to a rustic cabin in Maryland’s Elk Neck State Park. That cost $100 for two nights. And I’ve also made my reservations in a hotel for the BMW MOA Rally next July. But aside from that, I suspect I’m going to become a regular saddle tramp.

I hate traveling cheap, but none of this was my idea. If anyone wants to say that I am not doing my part to pump cash into the economy, please direct your remarks to the suits at AIG, General Motors, and Citi Bank. They had a lot more to do with it than I did. In fact, I would cheerfully pay $100 to have the CEOs from those companies wash my bike, or twice that to have them kiss my ass. Yours too, in fact.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2008
AKA The Lindbergh Baby
AKA Vindak8r (Motorcycle Views)
AKA The Chamberlain -- PS (With A Shrug)

The Winter Maintenance Ritual Is Completed... My Bike Is Ready For Spring

The economy has responded to the election of Barack Obama by jumping in the toilet and pulling the chain. This has nothing to do with Barack Obama. It would have done this anyway. This has to do with with corporate mismanagement on a scale that the world has never seen before. Mismanagement that extends from the banking industry to heavy manufacuring, to the airlines to the oil industry. Money is disappearing faster from corporate America than politicians with something useful to say.

'The Ace 500 Stock Ticker..." Get the latest from Wall Street and deliver 

your exit address standing up. Also good for government employment reports."

(Photo courtesy of the internet.)

While I am still employed, it must be acknowledged that Public Relations writers are the first to be sacrificed in tough economic times. The prevailing philosophy is that since no one will believe any of the bullshit spouted by tarnished CEOs anymore (especially in the auto industry), why pay somebody to write it?

PR people are fired in a peculiar way. First, they are invited into the CEO’s office to review films of themselves having sex with their secretaries during various corporate retreats. This is to insure their silence. Even if the PR person is single, he is not likely to want a video of himself dressed as a peacock doing the trumpheter swan mating dance on U-Tube. (I actually ordered 5 copies of my last firing video.) Then they are offered a case of Swanson frozen dinners and a check for $500, which they always take. (Under all the glitz, they are still writers and this is a reflex action.) After being escourted to the parking lot with a black bag pulled over their head, their offices are purged with a flame thrower. The symbolism is clear. The PR person represents the corporate gall bladder and is simply removed.

This has happened to me three or four times in the past, so I know.

I spent some time this morning making a sign that reads, “Will write for food, rum, sex or a hip replacement.” I sat down behind it on a busy street, and started sipping an Irish coffee . Twenty minutes later, a cop got out of a car and clubbed me in the knees. Perhaps doing this on the “Main Line” in Paoli was a trifle ambitious.

By now, the gentle reader is asking, “Where is the moto content in fatass’s blog today? Has he succumbed to the temptation to think that his opinions on other things might be important?” People are going to need to laugh in the immediate future, and I have started my next book, titled: Better Sex and Eternal Youth Through Motorcycling -- A Re-Entry Rider’s Guide.

There are a lot of fine books on motorcycling, and more than a few that can be a help to the re-entry rider looking for advice, or for the intermediate rider desirous of becoming a long-distance Paladen. Many of these speak of the Zen of the bike, or the Tao of the road. Mine will offer a very different viewpoint. It will address the hidden, less politically correct motivation for riding a motorcycle... Like feeling seventeen again, with a rock-hard dick dictating the route, and the wind at your command... With gravity and centrifical force competing for your attention... And with the music of an engine that goes up an octive every time you twist the throttle. Women readers, who do not actually have a rock hard dick but who would like to spot one coming along on a red 1995 BMW K75, will also find this book especially useful.

It will be the companion piece for my cigar book, “Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists,” that is currently selling “used” on Amazon from $36 to $173.00. My cigar book was written to preserve the delicate male image during difficult politically correct times. Click here to read two chapters from this book, but do not attempt to order it from this site. Four stories from an earlier work are here as well. My bike book will be about taking back what is righfully yours, and finding a long-lost dimension to your soul.

"Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists"

This is my book, available through Amazon or through me.

(Photo compliments of the author)

I spent the last money I expect to have for the next three years getting my bike serviced for 2009. If this thing needs a tire in the next six months, I will be shit out of luck. It is safe to say that no mechanical device (that one keeps in the garage) has ever provided me with the satisfaction that I get from this 1995 K75.

I rode the bike 50 miles to the Rubber Chicken Racing Garage, in Yardley, Pa. The temperature was in the low 40’s, and traffic was light. I hit 90 mph in a couple of spots on I-276. Dick Bregstein followed me in his car, and graciously provided my ride back. The machine was ready four days later. You may wait to get an appointment at the RCRG, but you will not get a song and dance. Your machine will not languish for weeks in a shop.

The oil and transmission fluid has been changed. The brakes have been inspected and the fluid topped off. The plugs, the gas and the oil flters have been changed too. I had a Centech fuse box added and had the MotoLight wiring routed through it. I had the brake pedal raised 8mm to its the limit.

The brake pedal was an interesting development. I told the mechanic it seemed as if the pedal was traveling further than it should before I got a good bite on the rear brake. On my older K75 with the discount drum brake, this could be adjusted by simply turning a wingnut. It requires an engineering degree to accomplish the same thing on this model with the hydraulic disk. The mechanic, a charm school tutor in his spare time, stated that the pedal was “okay,” but that the bulbous roll of fat than extends downwards from my gut, draping over both sides of the gas tank, makes it difficult for me to turn my elephantine foot into the brake properly.

I learn something new everyday.

I once had a Mazda RX-7, which was the best car I ever owned. Like a BMW motorcycle, the parts were astronomical. When the brakes went, my local Irish mechanic called to say Mazda wanted $1500 for replacement parts, but that he could use aftermarket for $1200.This was a “no brainer.” I drove this car hard. A year later, it needed brakes again. I told the mechanic, “If you knew how to install these things I wouldn’t be here so often.”

He relied, “If you could push yourself away from the table every now and again, this little car wouldn’t need brakes so often.”

To the naked eye, my motorcycle looks the same -- except for a tiny Kuryakan voltmeter that now sits on the dashboard. When the ignition is switched on, it does a neat little LED countdown to test the system, then settles on a nice green reading in the comfort zone.

Yet while the bike looks the same, it is a nuclear reactor on two wheels. The Parabellum Fairing lends this machine a dignity it did not have leaving the showroom, 13 years ago. And the seal of mechanical perfection from the Rubber Chicken Racing Garage guarantees this bike will hum a tune of terror for those unsuspecting squid, who assess my presence as merely another disillusioned old fatass, riding a squared off BMW, on his way to the La Brea tar pits.

Fireballs -- 1995 BMW K75

While I have run this picture before, I never get tired of it.

This is a Teutonic Wet Dream

(Photo compliments of the author)

I hope to make one more set of changes to this machine during the winter. This would include pulling off the crash bars and getting them powder coated black. I then want to mount a Steble/Nautilus dual tone compact air horn to this assembly, via a black metal bracket. I’ve had the black version of the horn in the garage for a year. I am going to have to get a paper route or something to fund this project, however.

Jack Riepe disguised as a writer. His mother believes he is a piano player in a whore house.

(Photo courtesy of the Police Gazette)

Our monthly Mac-Pac dinner is tonight. I have gone through my change jar and have enough to buy a burger or a drink. I pray to God I won’t be hungry. Though snow flurries are falling, there will be at least one bike parked outside the restaurant/lounge/bar. There always is at these things. Alas, it won’t be mine. My arthritis is screaming again today, and I am walking around like a cripple.

__________________________________________________________________

Side notes:

This story contains two “dick” references, but not in connection with a joke. My daughter, who is also a professional writer, raised the question that there were two many “dick” references in my work. Now while it is odd to be discussing “dicks” as an element of style with one’s 25-year-old daughter, I did pose the question of dick content with my readers. With one or two dissenters, they did not see the validity of her point. (Smile of smug satisfaction.) Yet the two references in this story are nothing less than the scientific name (in biker terms) of a key issue in motorcycling. This cannot be considered sexist as it does not refer to women. It cannot be considered gratuitous because... (Well, if you’re a guy, you know what I’m talking about. And women know what I am talking about too. It’s what they discuss when they all go the bathroom together.)

In future blogs, I plan to offer a factual dialogue with one of the world’s fastest motorcycle riders and accomplished racers -- Chris Carr. I hate to drop names, but Chris and I are pals. I will also detail a fabulous story of bad luck titled, “How 10¢ In A Toll Booth Cost A Bald Humorless Midget A Fairing.”

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2008
AKA The Lindbergh Baby (Mac-Pac)
AKA Vindak8r (Motorcycle Views)
AKA The Chamberlain -- PS (With A Shrug)