Dispatches From The Front... “Obstruction” Contest Winners Announced!

CONTEST WINNERS!

On February 9, 2009, the readers of this blog were confronted with question: “What was the most amazing thing you’ve come upon in the road, and how did you handle it?” The prize was to be a single Mini Maglite LED flashlight. I anticipated a handful of replies, with the most common answer being “ladders,” that had fallen from the vans of carpenters, painters, roofers, and handy men. The reason I anticipated this response was that I had read improperly secured ladders constituted the primary obstacle encounter by bikers and cagers traveling on highways and main roads.

This particular blog chapter drew the largest response of any issue posted on Twisted Roads in its brief 13-month history, with 27 accomplished riders writing in to share some incredible stories of obstacles in the road, and what they did to avoid them.

Not one rider came across an improperly secured ladder.

Responses varied from detached pick-up truck camper bodies to one actual dead body. Enough wandering animals were reported to fill a zoo, while many of the inanimate objects represented a bizarre strata of life in America. The first thing I realized was that one flashlight would never cover the response I got from my readers. So I increased the prize to 5 flashlights, establishing different categories of weirdness. And the winners are:

Category: Most Crap Encountered on the Road In A Single Lifetime
Winner: Chris Wolfe (ADK) -- Vintage Honda VFR Interceptor
Chris reported finding a fallen tree on a blind curve, a live electrical wire across the road, a queen-sized mattress in the center of the road, a complete rear axel from a pick-up truck adorning a center lane, and a dead deer (with all four legs sticking up in the air, like in a cartoon). Conventional wisdom urges Chris to move to a better neighborhood. Some of this stuff was on expressways just outside of New York City.

Chris Wolfe -- Code name "Artful Dodger" -- On his Honda VFR Interceptor

(Photo courtesy of Chris Wolfe -- Click to enlarge)

Category: Largest Item To Fall Off The Back of A Truck
Winner: Don Eilenberger -- BMW
Don dodged a complete camper body that bounced out of the bed of a pickup truck that whacked a pothole on I-287 in New Jersey. If it had been a Soprano’s episode, “Pussy” would have been sleeping in the camper.

Don Eilenberger -- Got around a free rolling camper body on I-287 in New Jersey

(Photo courtesy of the author -- Click to enlarge)

Category: Dumbest Thing To Encounter In A Road
Winner: Wayne Whitlock (Nite Owl) -- Harley Davidson
Wayne turned onto a rural country road, and got knocked out of the saddle by an unmarked wire extended across the psvement by a farmer, to contain escaped cows.

Wayne Whitlock -- Now ducks when someone says, "Can you hold the wire?"

(Photo courtesy of the author -- Click to enlarge)

Category: Thing Most Likely To Rip Your Ass Off And Kill You In The Road
Winner: Rick Cavaliere -- BMW
While cruising the Roemerville Road, between Newfoundland and Promised Land, Pennsylvania, Rick came across a female lioness sunning herself on the pavement. The lion was a retired circus cat, declawed and defanged... Otherwise Rick, may have found himself deballed, deboned, and deceased. The lion was on a tether that gave her too much room.

Category: Not Dead Tired... Not Dead Drunk... Just Dead
Winner: Dan Bateman (Irondad) -- Yamaha FJR
A cop at the time, Dan responded to a call on an authority bike, which led him into desert outside of Yakima, Washington -- at night. The desert darkness was devouring his lights, barely leaving enough to frame the body of the deceased (a gunshot victim) directly in his path.

Tee shirts will be awarded to two runners-up, who also had great stories to tell!

Category: What The Hell Happened To The Road?
Winner: Gary Christman -- BMW GS
Gary Christman was out for a typical ride -- on the Dempster Highway to Inuvik, in the Northwest Territories -- to see the home of the “Ice Truckers,” when he realized there was water in the road. It was about six feet deep and twenty feet across. He decided to stop, and that earned him a “Twisted Roads” tee shirt.

Gary Christman -- Found water on the road on a recent ride to the Arctic Circle

(Photo courtesy of Gary Christman -- Click to enlarge)

Gary Christman and his BMW GS -- Just before coining the phrase, "Screw this."

(Photo courtesy of Gary Christman -- Click to enlarge)

Category: Do I Hear Banjo Music?
Winner: Chris Jacarrino -- Honda Goldwing
Chris had just negotiated a series of tight turns in backwoods West Virginia and was in the process of taming yet one more blind curve, when he encountered a refrigerator, standing upright and burning like hell, in the center of the road. “I remembered thinking, ‘It’s very disappointing when an expensive appliance like a refrigerator craps out,’” said Chris.

It was very hard to narrow this list down to five flashlight winners and two tee-shirt recipients. All contestants will therefore receive a coveted “Twisted Roads” patch. To receive your prize, or your patch, please send your name and address, plus tee shirt size (if applicable) to JPRiepe@aol.com.

PUTTING FACES TO THE NAMES

It’s amazing how often I get to meet (and to ride) with so many of my readers. We start as acquaintances in an online dialogue and then discover we’ll either be at the same rally, or someplace in the same state, and one thing leads to another. In many cases, I will have acquired a new friend. During one such gathering (The Second Annual Amish Horse-Pile Swerve Ride), I met Dick Bregstein, Wayne Whitlock, and Tony Luna -- three guys who are all wool and a yard wide. (I met Mack Harrell on this run the year before.)

I have had the pleasure of meeting many people through Motorcycle Views (under the aegis of Walter Kern). I have been relying on them for good advice or just a good ribbing for years. One of these folks, Steve Asson, shamed me into my first long-distance ride after 30 years of two-wheeled abstinence. He said, “If I can ride from Washington state to North Carolina to meet you (at the infamous BuRP Rally), then you can certainly get off your fat ass and ride down from Philadelphia to Maggie Valley to meet me. Unless, of course, you’re afraid of pissing your pants in truck traffic on the interstates.” Steve is a diplomat, and made this statement online, in front of 36,000,000 people.

At the time, I was afraid of pissing my pants in truck traffic on the interstates, but it was a secret that I had kept from public announcement. Steve took care of that.

I’ve known “Bugser” Abbey since 2005. He is a cruiser rider who once admired my methods of traveling light for a ride. At the time, I stated that an American Express card, condoms, and a good rum were really all you needed for a decent weekend on a bike that was gassed up and ready to go. Our correspondence was split by a rift over the necessity of carrying frozen White Castle cheeseburgers “just in case” (a move I endorsed). But I stayed chatty with his wife, Tena, who is an aspiring writer.

From left, Bugser Abbey (Mr. Cupcake), Tena Abbey, and Steve (The Diplomat) Asson

These are exactly the type of folks you associate with crabs. 

(Photo courtesy of Sylvia Asson, who had the presence of mind not to be in it -- Click to enlarge)

I recently learned that the Abbeys were meeting Steve Asson, and his wife Sylvia, for dinner at Joe’s Crab Shack, up in Washington State this past Sunday. (Steve and Bugser have ridden together on several occasions.) They were good enough to call me from the shack’s parking lot and put the phone on speaker. Steve and I are planning a ride through Dodge City and Deadwood this summer. I will meet the Abbeys (for the first time) in Ohio, sometime in September. They sent me a nice picture of their little gathering (from last weekend). If you look at their eyes in this photo, conspiracy is evident.

Then I started getting comments on my blog from “Bugser,” signed “Mr. Cupcake.” As it turns out, this is his new identity in the witness protection program.

CANTWELL BUSTS LOOSE

A resident of New York State's Adirondack Mountains, Michael Cantwell was recently faced with a choice: Dismember his family and eat them, or go for a ride. He waited until the temperature was 1 degree above Zero degrees Kelvin, fired up his K75, and took it out on mountain roads not expected to thaw in this century. He sent me a note saying, "Ha Ha... I'm riding already, and you're not."

Michael Cantwell's classic BMW K75 at the mouth of Rusty Mulvey's driveway, 

with Whiteface Mountain, and its Olympic ski slopes, in the background.

(Photo courtesy of Michael Cantwell -- Click to enlarge)

A HARD DECISION IN THE FACE OF WARMER WEATHER

The weather prognosticators on television, bums all of them, have just announced that warmer weather, with temperatures close to and occasionally above 50º, will be settling in for the rest of the week. The word on the street is that this could be the turning point for the cold weather this winter.

Swell.

I made the decision to render my bike inoperable by removing the crash bars, headers, and muffler. These are being sent out for Jet-Hot coating, which will effectively cover up all of the chrome on this bike with a nice black semi-gloss finish. My last K75 had a black Luftmeister muffler, with matching headers, which I liked a lot. I’m not big on chrome (especially polishing it). I timed this cosmetic maintenance to coincide with getting my seat custom rebuilt (Stiffie’s Christmas present to me) by Russell (Day-Long) Cycle Products, in California. This will take at lest two weeks from the date scheduled for seat reconstruction (March 6th).

So I am out of commission until March 20, 2009. The weather will be perfect through March 19th. Expect temperatures in the mid-70s , cloudless blue skies, and topless women to bask in the change of seasons -- right up until my bike is ready to go. Then it will rain until August.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2009
AKA The Lindbergh Baby (Mac-Pac)
AKA Vindak8r (Motorcycle Views)
AKA The Chamberlain -- PS (With A Shrug)

Interim Blog Message... #02024-1

This notice is being posted in advance of the regularly scheduled blog message for Wednesday, February 25th, 2009. It has been more than 90-days since I last rode my motorcycle owing to the weather, plus gravel and salt on the road. Therefore, I have not had any recent adventures to write about and have resorted to reporting events, rides, and observations from memory.

It should be noted that several outstanding ride reports have been filed by other blog writers, whose current adventures can be found at bobscoot: wet coast skootin; Key West Diary, and REDLEG’S RIDES. (Links to be found in the column on the right labelled “Destinations.”)

Bobscoot has sent some great shots from the Canadian waterfront in “wet coast." Look past Domingo Chang’s “Lego” post to find some great pictures of winter fading in the Colorado Rockies, the focal piece of REDLEG’s RIDES. And the author of Key West Diary presents a near daily, behind the scenes look at this great semi-tropical paradise.

It irked me that I had no legitimate ride reports to offer these guys by way of competition. In fact, certain mechanical considerations will immobilize my bike until March 20th, 2009, at the earliest. So, begging the gentle reader’s indulgence, I ask refer you to the following ride report, filed close to this same time next year.

Please click here to read the ride report.

The management regrets this necessity.

Gear Review: When Huge Things Are Supported By Little Ones...

There are national parks and other places throughout the world where huge rock formations and natural columns of stone stand precariously balanced on foundations that have been whittled away by water or wind. To thousands of tourists who photograph these wonders, half the delight is in getting the picture. The other half is the possibility of being there when one of these things comes crashing to the ground.

Similar sentiments were expressed by a crowd of some fifty onlookers, assembled in a Haverford College parking lot for a tailgate party, prior to the school’s savage basketball victory over traditional rival Swarthmore this weekend. I had previously offered to supply the group with hot, spiced cider (braced by a quart of Applejack and a dash of cinnamon), heated to the point of steam over a burner I used for frying turkeys.

I have no personal interest in basketball, but pretend so to humor the coeds who show up for these parties in skirts that are smaller than the bandana I use as a handkerchief. Yet tending the cider meant sitting next to it and occasionally giving this mixture a stir. This gave me an excellent opportunity to once again bring out my Kermit chair.

If you have ever attended a major bike rally where one or more of the entertainment functions included the burning of a huge human figure, or a wild, half-naked dance around a bonfire, or even a bar set up on planks, you will likely remember that there was a scarcity of places to sit. The ground is always available, but is invariably too hard, too cold, too damp, or too covered with cow shit to offer adequate comfort. These factors are seldom regarded as serious considerations in your early 20s, but acquire a higher priority in your 50s.

With some rallies attracting crowds of 10,000 to 50,000 riders, the search for a rock, log, or vacant picnic table is sometimes highly competitive and generally unrewarding. Plus rocks still fall into the category of being too hard, while the curved surface of the standard log is seldom compatible with the shape of the average derriere.

Hence the Kermit Chair was born.

According to popular legend, the Kermit chair was developed as the ultimate, light-weight, folding chair, especially for bike rallies. (The legend is actually a bit more specific claiming the Kermit chair was initially developed for Beemer rallies. It is a well-known fact that BMW riders have very official-looking -- and highly functional gear -- for all occasions. Shortly after being introduced to the market, the Kermit chair became a staple at BMW rallies, but has many other equally practical applications.)

This product has a collapsable leg and armrest assembly, connected by a cloth seat and back. It includes two leg supports and two curved seat braces. Coming out of the bag one cannot help but notice the fine fit and finish of the oak wood. The evident quality of the metal joinery speaks volumes too. The chair has no small parts and assembles in about two minutes without tools.

When first assembled, however, it looks like a kid’s chair for the beach. And a skinny kid at that. Many in the crowd wondered what the hell I was doing putting it together. They had no idea what I intended to do with it once it was completed, as the basic chair is not only somewhat tiny in appearance, but it is low to the ground too.

The manufacturer offers leg extenders, which raise the seat height to 17.5 inches. These also go on in a matter of seconds without tools.

The fully assembled Kermit chair is very elegant-looking, but the first word that comes to mind is “spindly.” I offered it to my friend Molly, who weighs in at 110 pounds, and her first words were, “Will that hold me?”

I stepped around to the chair’s front, and positioned my ass over it. The whole seat was swallowed up by my shadow. A gasp ran through the crowd like an electric current. A young mother made her son run behind a parked car to protect him from the splinters. I heard a voice say, “That poor chair. That man ought to be ashamed of himself.”

I gradually lowered my bulk into the seat... The Kermit chair creaked like a wooden trestle the first time a locomotive rolls over it. The silence of the crowd make the creaking seem as loud as machine gun fire. I saw money change hands in the back of the gathering as bets were settled and the odds increased.

I had barely settled myself in the seat, when, you guessed it. In front of all those people -- nothing happened. The creaking stopped. The Kermit chair was unbelievably comfortable. And all of those nice folks, who were standing around on a cold day (waiting for the fat person in the popsicle chair to go crashing to the pavement), realized I had the only seat, closest to a roaring propane burner, by the only hot drink on the menu.

The spindly, delicate-looking Kermit chair is stressed to take 350 pounds. Buried in the chair’s promotional material is a statement claiming it was tested to 750 pounds, and I believe it. I presently weigh more than 350 pounds, though I am losing weight every day. I have a size 56 waist and I have to tell you that the Kermit chair is more comfortable for me to sit in than an airline seat. Every detail has been well thought out. For example, the chair’s two seat supports are curved to prevent digging into your back and thighs.

I took no risk in using the Kermit chair before this savage crowd as I had demonstrated its properties for my de facto father-in-law at a family gathering last year, when I was heavier. This was pure theatre as far as I was concerned. This is the second time I have written about this chair. The test was different on this occasion as I got in and out of it a dozen times, putting it's joints to one hell of a stress test.

The chair weighs 5 pounds and fits into a stuff bag 22” long, and 4” by 6.” According to the specs, the leg extenders go into a stuff bag 9” long and 3.5” by 3.5.” Any backpacker will now roll over face down in the dirt and tell you how nonsensical this is. But I am compelled to remark that the packed size of the Kermit chair does not seem that big, especially its diameter. My 1995 BMW K75 has yet to complain about carrying it. No canoe or horse would complain about the added weight either. Yet your butt and back will thank you, especially after hours in the saddle. The Kermit chair is a lot more comfortable than a metal folding chair and will carry a lot more weight than the plastic ones found on the deck’s of many restaurants.

The Kermit chair comes in forest green, burgundy, black, and red. A cup/beer holder is also available. This chair is not cheap, and will set you back $129. The leg extensions (which I regard as absolutely essential) are another $30. The cupholder (purely cool) is $18. The chair has a 5-year warranty.

This blog supports American-made products, like the Mini Maglite. The Kermit chair is made in America, Tennessee, in fact, and is the personification of US craftsmanship like you remember it. The engineering that went into this product is evident in every aspect of its design. It will replace all of the shitty aluminum can and plastic weave seats you have been accustomed to buying on site, and throwing away before you leave for home. It’s a better choice for the environment and for the economy. Quite frankly, I can’t think of a nicer gift to give or get, if your riding takes you to events which are held outdoors. The Kermit chair guarantees you will always have a “good” seat.

Speaking of the economy, money is going to be a touchy subject as the riding season unfolds. Everyone I know is under the impression that they are going to have less of it. This places a greater emphasis on the quality of the gear you purchase. As a professional writer, I am chronically broke. (I have made myself a sign that reads, “Will write for sex, rum, or food, but especially sex,” that may come in handy when I am forced to pimp my talents on Main Street this summer.) I discovered hunting during the first financial crisis in my life, 25 years ago, and a bought a Winchester semi-automatic shotgun for $179.

I thought it odd at the time that the semi-automatic shotguns from Ruger and Browning were selling for five times as much, but I had my weapon and was ready to hunt. No one was more surprised than me when the breech-block blew out of that piece of shit shotgun the first time I fired a high-brass round through it. I was lucky I didn’t get hurt. (So was Winchester.) Then I read a prophetic statement in a hunting magazine that said, “Buy the very best gear you can afford for hunting or fishing,” The author went on to say that it might be better to save your money for a season or two rather than to purchase crap that could actually ruin a trip through failure. Well-made equipment will hold its functionality for years to come.

The same holds true for motorcycle gear. The Kermit chair may be regarded as a superfluous item for motorcycling that entails outdoor events or camping. Yet it becomes a lot less superfluous if your ride is enhanced by having a decent place to sit at the day’s end. It should be noted that I paid for my Kermit chair and have no relationship whatsoever with the manufacturer of this product.

In the next issue of “Twisted Roads” will introduce my new feature, “Dispatches From The Front,” a series of shorter, inter-related topics presented as one feature.

The winners of last week’s contest will be announced in this new section on Wednesday.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2009
AKA The Lindbergh Baby (Mac-Pc)
AKA Vindak8r (Motorcycle Views)
AKA The Chamberlain -- PS (With A Shrug)