Sigorney Weaver introduced us to a ghastly species of space creature in the 1979 production of “Alien.” As puppies, these creatures started out like tenacious insects that planted an egg or pupae in the host organism. As it turned out, humans made perfect hosts.
I stared in horror at my right knee. It looked like it was encased in four loaves of Wonder Bread... Except the flesh undulated when poked. There was every indication that an Alien had laid an egg in it overnight. I was afraid to move it for fear of seeing this thing with chain saw-like teeth chew its way out.
Normally, there is not enough uncommitted skin to allow a knee joint to expand to this degree, but the swelling was apparently drawing on derma reserves from around my stomach. It was therefore theoretically possible for this knee to assume the proportions of a GMC Suburban.
Chris Jaccarino, a celebrated member of the Mac-Pac Eating and Wrenching Society, hooked me up with a local orthopedic facility. They took me right away, but requested the person standing with me wait outside the examination room.
“There is no other person,” I said. “That’s my knee.”
The doctor carefully poked and prodded the joint. “Have you recently been exposed to meteorites, strange space capsules, parasitical creatures from space, or space travel,” asked the surgeon, never taking his eyes off my knee.
“Why,” I asked in return.
“Because there is every indication some sort of alien is living in your knee.”
Several x-rays later it was determined that my knee was retaining water and that the fluid would have to come out. This was a classic case of water on the knee. The doctor explained that some degree of overuse caused liquid to accumulate around the joint, giving it gigantic proportions. I expressed disappointment that I did not have water on the dick, which could have supported a new film career.
There was a brief discussion on the best way to get this water out. One assistant suggested an undetaker’s trocar. The doctor preferred a harpoon, which could applied with some degree of precision at considerable distance.
Twenty minutes later, the surgeon removed 180 ccs of fluid from my knee. The last time I saw something that had 180 ccs, it came with a kick starter. There has been a good deal of improvement since this procedure. I hope to be riding soon. I am very grateful to Chris Jaccarino, both for making the recommendation and for speeding up the process.
Copyright Jack Riepe 2008
AKA The Lindbergh Baby (Mac-Pac)
AKA Vindak8r (Delphi)
AKA The Chamberlain -- Perdition’s Socks (With A Shrug)