Monday, July 7, 2008

Getting Back To Riding...

Sigorney Weaver introduced us to a ghastly species of space creature in the 1979 production of “Alien.” As puppies, these creatures started out like tenacious insects that planted an egg or pupae in the host organism. As it turned out, humans made perfect hosts.

I stared in horror at my right knee. It looked like it was encased in four loaves of Wonder Bread... Except the flesh undulated when poked. There was every indication that an Alien had laid an egg in it overnight. I was afraid to move it for fear of seeing this thing with chain saw-like teeth chew its way out.

Normally, there is not enough uncommitted skin to allow a knee joint to expand to this degree, but the swelling was apparently drawing on derma reserves from around my stomach. It was therefore theoretically possible for this knee to assume the proportions of a GMC Suburban.

Chris Jaccarino, a celebrated member of the Mac-Pac Eating and Wrenching Society, hooked me up with a local orthopedic facility. They took me right away, but requested the person standing with me wait outside the examination room.

“There is no other person,” I said. “That’s my knee.”

The doctor carefully poked and prodded the joint. “Have you recently been exposed to meteorites, strange space capsules, parasitical creatures from space, or space travel,” asked the surgeon, never taking his eyes off my knee.

“Why,” I asked in return.

“Because there is every indication some sort of alien is living in your knee.”

Several x-rays later it was determined that my knee was retaining water and that the fluid would have to come out. This was a classic case of water on the knee. The doctor explained that some degree of overuse caused liquid to accumulate around the joint, giving it gigantic proportions. I expressed disappointment that I did not have water on the dick, which could have supported a new film career.

There was a brief discussion on the best way to get this water out. One assistant suggested an undetaker’s trocar. The doctor preferred a harpoon, which could applied with some degree of precision at considerable distance.

Twenty minutes later, the surgeon removed 180 ccs of fluid from my knee. The last time I saw something that had 180 ccs, it came with a kick starter. There has been a good deal of improvement since this procedure. I hope to be riding soon. I am very grateful to Chris Jaccarino, both for making the recommendation and for speeding up the process.

Copyright Jack Riepe 2008
AKA The Lindbergh Baby (Mac-Pac)
AKA Vindak8r (Delphi)
AKA The Chamberlain -- Perdition’s Socks (With A Shrug)

8 comments:

Sojourner rides said...

Let me be the first to say, "This is great news." Did water collect there because you rode while hurting? Is that the body's way of protecting an injury? Glad you'll be on the road again soon!

Joy Logan said...

HEY! Came over from Leslies blog to say hi. My brother and his cycle buddies from work have done the Blue Ridge Parkway the last couple years. Have you ever done that? I will read more of the blog tomorrow.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Sharon:

I have no idea what causes water on the knee to form... But I can tell you that there is a direct correlation to the amount of water created and the pain experienced. The swelling is gong down and there is greater range of motion in the joint again... But it is far from comfortable. I am going to ride the bike to lunch on Friday. Actually, I'm thinking of riding out to a local Amish produce market and getting fresh squash, tomatoes, and beans.

I will let you know how that goes.

Your last ride report was sensational! I am so jealous.

Fondest regards,
Jack

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Joy:

Thank you for stopping by. A casual reading of my material will reveal substantial differences between Leslie's blog and my own. My writing style is a bit saltier. We have very different creative processes.

I have ridden the Blue Ridge Parkway twice. It is a remarkable road and motorcycle heaven. Every rider (on the east coast) should make this run every few years.

Thank you for stopping by. You might want to start reading from the oldest posts first or the West Virginia ride last month. This will give you a better flavor for my work.

And please mention me to your brother.

Regards,
Jack

ADK said...

If I remember anything from high schools physics it's that water collects in most places because of gravity. Which, I suppose, begs the question of where is the water coming from. Other science classes I remember would imply that the water is steadily draining from the highest point of the local terrain.

So, if your knee was the size of a tractor trailer, and the fluid responsible for making it so did indeed drain south from the cranium, then your brain lies dangerously unprotected from any stray shock that may come along.

I would suggest replacing the lost fluid with The Macallan 18yr vintage scotch, thus eliminating any chance of future injury, and garraunteeing a relaxed and pleasing state of mind during the recuperative phase.

Your Family Dr.

Leslie said...

I'm pretty sure it actually was an alien living in your knee. And I'm also pretty sure it came home with you. Unless that's just you.

Not buying the scotch theory either.

Jeffry said...

I hope you heal fast and well. My father used to have the water on the knees problems years ago. After many drainings and being careful, he has been able to stay active.

I appreciate your saltiness. Get back in the saddle soon.

Jeffry

EZ Ryder said...

Jack, glad to hear that you received some relief from your knee problems.
Hope you were able to get your leg over the saddle and get that produce run in.
Took your lead from a past message and had a air horn like yours,installed on my ride. "Can You Hear Me Now "
Regards,
EZ Ryder