Monday, January 24, 2011

The True Meaning Of Valentine's Day...

There are times when the price of legitimate crops can be worth more than the most potent marijuana. Right now, greenhouses around the world are scrambling to ship millions of cartons of roses (of every variety) in preparation for the annual Saint Valentine’s Day Wallet Massacre. Anytime in January, a gentleman eager to prove his love for a woman (or anxious to bribe his way out of some indiscretion) can buy a dozen roses for $22 - $28, in almost any upscale US supermarket. Yet just two weeks prior to the date on which the average man is compelled to publicly demonstrate his love for the woman in his life, the rose will disappear from public sale, only to re-emerge in all shades of its red glory for $60 to $170 per dozen on or about February 14th.

Likewise, specialty confectionary shops will begin displaying huge velvet heart-shaped boxes, filled with chocolate delights, ranging in cost from $30 to $250, depending upon the perceived exotic nature of the candy within and the brand name without. Yet the madness extends to a much broader range of the economy. Restaurants, especially those with a romantic ambiance, have already begun taking reservations for their better tables, and many will offer a “Valentine’s Day” menu priced to feel like a large zucchini being shoved up the ass of the unsuspecting male. Woe to the man new to a romance who shows up with the $20 (pre-wrapped daisies) and the $30 box of drugstore candy, thinking that pizza at the bowling alley is going to get the job done.

Buddy, you aren’t going to get laid anytime soon.

St. Valentine, a Christian priest in Rome, was martyred in 269 AD and buried in the Via Flamina. This worthy cleric would undoubtedly be appalled to learn that his name now graces a day set aside for romantic blackmail. The typical Valentine’s Day tribute to beauty, love, and intimate companionship (this last one means “the occasional blow job”) translates into roses, the heart-shaped box (containing Godiva chocolate, or a silk Teddy, or a diamond necklace — not one advertised on TV for $99), and dinner out. The total tab for this can easily run between $400 and $700 bucks. By coincidence, this is in the same price range as two tires mounted on the bike, or the MotoLight set you thought would look cool on your ride (and you’d be right), or the heated Gerbings gear you’ve been thinking about for the past year.

For those of my gentle Twisted Roads readers lucky enough tho have this extra cash in their pockets (during this time of extreme economic recovery), the decision to divert limited finances to what amounts to a “one-way Christmas” may be a challenging one. (While many women feel compelled to give the man in their life some token of their love on this particular day, the word “token” seems to sum it up.) Valentine’s Day has come to mean “a dramatic, costly public showing of affection” for a particular woman, in tribute for her romantic attention, which may not materialize on that day! Whoever thought of this holiday scam should have been martyred.

But, clever men can easily navigate through this. Instead of spending $140 on roses that will be dead and in the trash a week later, why not head out to a place like Waterloo Gardens and buy a bonsai tree ($75 to $100). Then get a $1.50 card at any drugstore, and cut out the little red Valentine’s Day heart from it. Neatly put her initials and yours on the heart. Then tape it to the tree, symbolizing the traditional carved heart in a tree that guys used to do instead of graffiti. When presenting this gift to the lady, say something like, “These trees typically live for 100 years. That wouldn’t be enough time for me to prove how much I love you.” Then stand back. You will have scored 100 bonus “BJ” points. (Do not attempt to carve the heart and initials directly into the little tree. It should also be noted that some bonsai trees can cost thousands of dollars, so order one early.) If the woman responds with, “You gave me a fucking tree for Valentine’s Day...,” get rid of her. She’ll be a huge pain in the ass as time goes on. You can get a great bonsai tree at Waterloo Gardens, In Exton, Pa. The owner and manager there is Bobby LeBoutlier. Call him at 484-614-5174 and tell him you ride a bike and read Twisted Roads. He’ll take care of you. (He rides a BMW, with me.) And if the tree doesn’t do it for you, he’s got other ideas. Waterloo Gardens has an exquisite gift center as well.

Above: A typical Bonsai Tree for under $100. This is a Juniper and one of the most common types. It looks so cool. Photo from the Internet.

I am ordering charming tea roses (live miniature roses on the vine), which cost a fraction of cut flowers, and which can be wrapped into beautiful expression with a small sculpture. If I wanted to spend a little more, these same flowers can be put in a small terrarium, shaped like an oversize wine glass. Bobby can set you up with something like this too.

There is another shop down in Exton, Pa. conveniently located next to the beer distributor on US-30 (Business), near the intersection of Rt. 100 and US-30. “Perennial Pleasures” is a specialty store offering the most unique upscale “artistic-type” gifts, ranging from wall hangings to statuary, plus vases, artificial flower settings, and really unusual items. Prices run from $50 to the sky is the limit. They carry the full line of “Sid Dickens” tiles, which are highly collectible. My hot squeeze, Leslie, collects these and has 25 of them hanging in the kitchen. They are perfect Valentines Day gifts (for the kind of woman who could spend hours in a museum), with current tiles selling for about $80. (But be advised, if you buy one, and she really likes it, this will become a routine purchase at Christmas and on her birthday too. Then again that makes life easy.)

You can get an unusual card at this place (with a blank interior), and write something like: “This tile was inspired by passion and fired under tremendous heat... Two things I feel whenever I’m around you.” To contact a romantic gift specialist at Perennial Pleasures, call 610-594-6696, and ask for “Martha.” Tell her “Fat Jack” from Twisted Roads set you. Do not give a gift of this nature to anyone who wanted the $99 simulated glass jewel diamond heart and dinner at the chicken place by the gas station.

Candy is a tired subject at Valentine’s Day. The huge heart looks good, to a guy. While everybody loves chocolate, most women feel they are too fat to eat it with reckless abandon, or they feel the price of staying thin is too high to add a pound of condensed fat to their ass. So the big chocolate heart (that you intended for her) gets passed around at the office and worker drones, who you either don’t know or don’t like, are the ones eating your gift. Fuck ‘em. One of the best ways to say I love you on Valentine’s Day, or any other day, is a box of Big Jim’s Chocolate Chip Cookies.


Above: Big Jim's Chocolate Chip Cookies taste like sex in a box. Photo from Big Jim.

Now I can just see the look on your face as you read the above lines, thinking, “that bastard Riepe sold out and wants me to blow my chances for romance on Valentine’s Day giving my girl chocolate chip cookies.” Maybe I did. So what?

But the thrust is that Big Jim’s Chocolate Chip cookies taste like sex in a box. Each cookie pushes the envelope for flavor, texture, density, and composition. Heavier, thicker, and more proportionally perfect than any other cookie I have ever tasted, Big Jim’s recipe was originally buried with the Pharaoh Imen Hotep III. It stayed a secret until grave robbers allegedly passed it onto St. Valentine, a priest in ancient Rome, who was allegedly martyred for not giving the recipe up to Roman Emperor Caligula, who was trying to impress a woman on February 14th.

Why are these cookies better than candy?
A) It is easier to justify a cookie than a piece of chocolate.
B) There are no fucking caramels hidden among the good pieces.
C) They are cheaper than chocolate truffles made in France.
D) They are so good, your girlfriend, wife, or significant other won’t want to share them with the flesh-eating zombies at work.
E) She’ll want to eat them in bed, with you, and that kind of suggestion can easily be expounded upon.
You can order Big Jim’s Chocolate Chip Cookies right here... Or you can click on the ad at right of this story. Cookies are available in five extraordinary varieties.

Now, if you had $300 to blow for the month of February, you could get the tree or the tile, and the cookies for about $125. That would leave you with $175 to spend on heated gear or a tire. Not bad, eh? You can thank me by leaving a comment. Twisted roads is going to award a box of Big Jim’s cookies to a reader, selected at random, from comments left at this column. (Click on comments below to leave yours.) A winner will be announced on February 3, 2011. (US readers only.)

Women reading this blog in search of the perfect “token” gift to give a guy on Valentine’s Day couldn’t do better than to order a copy of the acclaimed book, Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists. This book is 30 chapters of character-building short stories — dealing with cigars, the male psyche, world peace, sexual gratification, nature, human nature, and subhuman nature (politics). It has been rumored that briefly reading this book for an hour a day gives the average man a raging two-hour erection. (These results are rumors and may not be typical.)

Above: My book — the guide to the male psyche for women. Photo by Leslie Marsh.

You may order an autographed copy by sending me a note to: jack.riepe@gmail.com. Please put “Book Order” in the subject column. Each copy is $25, plus $5 S&H. Please include your name and address, and telephone number. If the book is to be a gift for your boyfriend, husband, significant other, or illicit lover, please include the full spelling that person’s name, and a line or two about them, so I can craft a personal inscription. Mailed books are accompanied by an invoice.

Women may think they have the last laugh on Valentine’s Day... But the equivalent of a male Valentine’s Day is on March 14th. This is the official holiday of Twisted Roads and ladies, you don’t really have to buy anything.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2010

New Twisted Roads Blog Posts Every Monday and Thursday...
This Thursday: The Perfect Party Bike, Or A TromBone Solo In Manhattan

42 comments:

bobskoot said...

Jackie:

I love you more than words can express.

Now can you send me that new Beemer you were thinking about. nothing fancy, perhaps a modest R1200RT

xox
bob
Wet Coast Scootin

bobskoot said...

Jack:

How selfish of me, esp during these economic times when cash might be tight. perhaps I should lower my sights a bit and move down to a less expensive Triumph Bonneville, but please don't skimp, I don't want the Tachless model

thanks again
luv
xox

bob
Wet Coast Scootin

RichardM said...

Your post actually had some useful suggestions. I like the bonsai suggestion and had never heard of Sid Dickens before. Thank you for the link.

Richard

Cy-clops said...

dear Jack,

Congratulations! You have surpassed Gene Simmons (of KISS fame) for the title of "Most Shameless Self Promoter"

That said, at least you are up front about it. I hope that I win your giveaway prize this month. Although being a larger fat-ass than yourself, they will probably never make it to my significant other. More than likely, I will eat them while hiding in the closet then cry from the shame of it all.

Sincerely,

Cy

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Bobscoot:

Thank you for your kind interest. Apparently you've never seen any real accurate prison mvies. You would be absolutely horrified to discover the audition agenda for getting a Valentine's Day gift from me. One woman I took to Europe for Valentine's Day (our second date) felt it would have been less strenous to row a boat to London. She thought she would have a limp for the rest of her life.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Richard M.:

It is not a coincidence that a guy like me has always had a beautiful girlfriend. The gesture and the thought behind it is 80 percent across the finish line.

The bonsai tree idea is really cool if you can keep the tree alive, year after year. Then gifts for successive years can be hung in its branches. The bonsai juniper is without a doubt the most common, and the least expensive of the bonsais. I have had a thing for bonsai pine trees growing on a slab of slate. The last one I saw like this was a grove of 5 or 6 trees, the tallest one being a foot. The whole planting was 57 years old and $10,000.

Leslie didn't get that one.

Stiffie has 25 of the Sid Dickens tiles in the kitchen. The kitchen is huge and she easily has room for 30 more.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Cy-Clops:

I am what I am. LOL. But I do deliver. My last boss was younger than me and gave me a lot of shit about my writing. Then I found out he imagined he was a writer whose most creative effort was something like an "eye chart."

So if I am going to recognized for one of America's foremost humorists, than I am forced to do it one book at a time. The cigar book has developed a strong and loyal following... So I am pushing it.

I hope you do win the cookies. But if you do, I guarantee you'll only get half a box.

Thanks for reading for writing in. I look forward to riding with you this summer.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

BeemerGirl said...

I guess I am just odd in that I don't want flowers and candy. Just take that $300 and buy me a farkle for the bike. :) Or take me out for a ride and a romantic dinner at the cafe in that small little town of 30 people and enjoy the swill while sitting on the patio watching the sun set. And let me ride lead and compliment my ass all the while.

Happy Valentines Day! to be.

-Lori

JStrube said...

I'm screwed. My wife's birthday is on Valentine's Day... A great way to guarantee that you will be "rolling your own" that night is to get the one card at Hallmark that is a combination Birthday & Valentine's Day card... Maybe I can luck out & win some cookies!

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Beemer Girl (Lori):

I cannot believe you have discovered the preferred "Twisted Roads" riding strategy, of asking the lady to lead and admiring the view throughout the run. Your response qualifies you for a special drawing, in which the prize will be a piece of gear that is not quite farkle, but something that should be included on many of the rides you take.

May I place your quote in a place on honor on the "Twisted Roads" page?

Genuinely touched,
Jack • reep • Toad
Twisted Roads

Jack Riepe said...

Dear J. Strube:

I read your comment out loud to my hot squeeze (Leslie) tonight, and we both laughed like hell. I had never heard the colloquial use of "Rolling Your Own" in this context and I thought it was hysterical. Your name went straight into the cookie drawing tonight, and I hope you win over my dedicated reader Cy-Borg.

What do you ride and where do you ride?

Fondest regards,
Jack• reep • Toad
Twisted Roads

Rhonda said...

Personally, the way to my heart is chrome. Flowers die but chrome bling lasts and lasts. While your at it, wash my bike and polish it..you'll get true love forever!

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Rhonda:

I like your philosophy too. Chrome, for the jewelry that wears you.

My squeeze used to ride a tricked out Honda Aero Shadow cruiser. She used to let me ride it too. I would come back with the bike covered in bugs and bird shit. No big deal. I get a big bucket of hot water and a rag to gently soak the dead bugs off the plexiglass and chrome. Then I'd take the chrome polish and get to work.

Four hours later, I'd say, "Fuck this," and vow never to do it again. But I would.

What do you ride and what kind of chrome bling would you like this Valentine's Day. If you don't mind, your name has been added to a special ladie's drawing too.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad
Twisted Roads

David said...

Jack,

Todays blog contained some useful information. You failed to address the Wawa vs. Sheetz conundrum for gift card selection and I stand disappointed.

wondering,

David Denesowicz

BMW-Dick said...

Dear Jack:

I thought the worst legacy of Democrats in the White House and dominating Congress would be pestulance, plague, and economic disaster. But I was wrong. Jack Riepe being forced into prostitution sets the new standard for Diabolical
Democratic Destruction. Jackster, you've became such a whore!

Having made that point, I would like to emphasize that Big Jim's Cookies are, indeed, the best I have ever tasted. I just sent a box to my 94-year-old aunt who is recovering from the second replacement of one of her hips. She loved them so much that she is replacing me in her will with Big Jim; she did say I could have the crumbs.

Jane and I often shop at Waterloo when the gardening season begins to compete with the riding season. We have several beautiful flowering shrubs that were raised by the loving hands of Waterlooers and now add beauty to the homestead. I hadn't thought about a Bonsai tree until you mentioned it. Do you know anyone who might want the Three Musketeers bar I
picked up at Wawa as Jane's Valentine present?

The Sid Dickens tiles are beautiful and unusual. I may just start the collection for Miss Jane even though I know it could lead to me having to retile the entire kitchen and replace all the appliances. Of course with the new surcharges for gas and electric transmission and higher taxes, we may be cooking with Sterno soon. The tiles would add a bit of class to the Sterno stove.

Thanks for the suggestions, Jack. If the economy were better, I might have bought a new F800R and said it was for her as soon as she gets her "M" license. That hasn't worked in the past, but it would be worth another try; my ducking reflex is improving.

BeemerGirl said...

Dear Jack,

I am honestly surprised that more men haven't discovered that riding principle. Could count on you for being among the enlightened few.

Would love to see my quote in flashing red letters on your page of honor. :)

Intrigued to know what the special ladies prize is. Thanks for entering me into the drawing.

-Lori

dan.w9fcc@gmail.com said...

My "squeeze" Martha will get a soft loving gentle massage, using nothing but the best in "lubrication", and of course, "protection", in preparation for a long slow ride.

The wife on the other hand, gets a Walmart card. "Martha is my R1150GS, who will be filled with full synthetic (lube) and new engine protectors (protection) in preparation for a trip to Alaska (long slow ride). And she ah..."responds" every time...

Dan

Jack Riepe said...

Dear David (Denesowicz):

I can see you standing in line at WaWa, punching in your Valentine's Day request into the cold cuts computer at WaWa... Ordering your girlfriend another pound of the "expensive" bologna.

Your name has been entered into the "Big Jim" cookie drawing.

Fondest Regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Dick:

If the economy was better, I wouldn't be picking up cans and bottles along the side of the road to pay for gas. I may be a whore, but I am doing it in the best interest of the local economy. We both know Bobby LeBoutlier and the quality of his stuff. And, we've been eating Big Jim's cookies for years. Martha down at Perreniel Pleasures has nothing but the best of stuff, and guys get the creit for originality every time they go in there.

I thinking I could do lunch someplace today.

I'm in that mood. Thanks for writing in and for reading my blog.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Dan:

You are the last of the hopeless romantics. A WalMart Card? I know a bunch of guys who have done adventure rides up toward Alaska, and the preferred bike seems to be an "R" machine.

My K75 doesn't seem to take much stroking... Which is good, because I don't spoil it.

Your name has been entered into the "Big JIm" Cookie Contest.

Thanks for reading and for writing in.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Conchscooter said...

Just to set the record straight St Valentine was the Bishop of Interamna, modern day Terni outside Rome, an industrial Italian city of no medieval merit similar in all respects to East Goshen, Pennsylvania. Terni was where where I happened to grow up and I can assure you there never was any mention of the Bishop who lost his life defending the right of two star crossed lovers to get married. It was all totally unAmerican, the absence of any municipal effort to cash in on it's most famous resident.
All of which makes no difference to you, I know, I sigh with sadness.( The massacre was in Chicago by the way, not Umbria).
I never really noticed your kitchen tiles so next time I'm up there I will ask you to please bend over in the kitchen and show them to me. A fundamental bonsai would be too good a fate for you (and Bobskoot and his anti Triumph cracks).

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Conchscooter (Michael B.):

Naturally you would position yourself as the voice of history in my blog.

You didn't notice the Sid Dickens tiles in the kitchen because you were doubled over with pain from having dropped your Triumph, after getting it mired in a half-cup of mud, following a panic stop from 3 miles per hour. Fortunately the bike absorbed the crash by having most of the parts on the right side disintegrate.

I have asked the Japanese florist to creat a miniature poison ivy plant for you. Bonzai!

Thank you for darkening my day today, and for reading Twisted Roads. You name has been added to the Big Jim Cookie drawing, as much as it pains me.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

MattPie said...

Dr. Jack,

I have a conumdrum. All my girlfriend wants for Valentine's day is an illustrated copy of Twisted Roads, with author centerfold. I'm not sure what to make of this.

Regards,
Matt

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Matt:

The explanation is simple: you're out and I'm in. I have this affect on a lot of women who start out hanging around with guys on "K" bikes. You might try bulking up by eating 5 pizzas today.

Your name is in the cookie contest.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad
Twisted Roads

Anonymous said...

Dear Jack,
I do hope your friends appreciate the fine shill work you do for them. I know I would... except that it probably wouldn't work. Anyone interested in some really nice repossessed accounts receivable? Makes the ideal Valentine's day gift.

The truth is I don't know how you do it. I can barely get it up for Christmas -- even my wife knows that Valentines day is out of the question.

Whenever I finish ones of your posts I can't wait for the next one.

Yours Snickshift (Bill)

Nikos said...

Jack
With regret I have come to the conclusion that Bobskoot has finally flipped:-
He loves YOU?
He wants a R1200RT?

I did try and procure a Bondage tree from my local Centre du Jardin for my bit of fluff but the check out girl called Security and I was escorted away empty handed.

N * meatball * connoisseur

Chris Luhman said...

Your mention of US-30 reminded me of that horrible road and it's crossing of Ohio. I had almost forgotten it.

Thanks.

-Chris @ everydayriding.org - year round riding in Minnnesota

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Snickshift (Bill):

While this may seem like shilling, it is actually more like a public service announcement. Consider the average guy, who really wants to surprise his honey with a semi-original Valentine's gift, but who hates like hell to wander through fucked up stores looking at a lot of bland shit.

He can use my method: which is to go with one of my sugestions, call the appropriate number given, and pick up the damn thing wrapped and ready to go. In the case of the tile, tell Martha you want something with a heart, a cherub, a flower, an arrow, or a mulit-dimensional effect that could have a link to Valentine's Day.

Total originality factor: 88/100;
Total surprise factor: 92/100;
BJ likelihood factor: Much higher than normal
Total time spent shopping: 11 minutes.

Beat that.

I am flattered that you follow my work from one story to the next. Tomorrow's blog story will be a pisser. And the BMW MOA people are getting ready to run another one of my stories on their website.
The difference is that the blog has all the spicey details, while the MOA stuff is vanilla, to prevent riots.

Take care Bill.

Jack • reep • Toad
Twisted Roads

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Nikos:

You write the briefest of notes, but I do look forward to your messages, as they are ususally inspiring. I am not surprised that Bobscoot is a closet "R" bike "Wanna Be." He wants so badly to dump the Yamaha and be one of the boys "In The Bund." He thinks that by dancing cheek-to-cheek with me he's going to get my K75.

He is soooooooooooooo mistaken.

I like your idea with the "Bondage tree."

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Chris Luhman:

The Lincoln Highway, better known as US-30 is a shithouse down around King of Prussia, Pa, with endless traffic lights and about 2 billion cars. Yet it does run through charming places like Wayne, Pa.

It has a parallel expressway from Exton to Gap, which gets picturesque at its western terminus. But US-30 west of Gettysburg gets really beautiful in spots, and flakey when it comes to a commercial crossroads. Yet I have really enjoyed riding on it from time to time.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

jasiii said...

Again you have nailed the true meaning of 2/14... what a hoot of reading .. Thanks

Jack Riepe said...

Dear JASIII (Jim):

I try, Jim. I really try. It's really hard to come up with good ideas on Valentine's Day. Yet the options I mentioned should make it easy. Thank you for reading Twisted Roads, and for commentimg.

Your name has gone into the "Big Jim" cookie drawing too.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Steve Williams said...

Dear Mr. Riepe: As is sometimes the case, I read this post to my wife. She said, "What's up with the infomercial?"

Re: her thoughts on your read on V-Day--Who's He been dating? Forget the roses, forget the bonsai, just give her the damn cash. Or learn to knit and make her a sweater."

Her last comment was, "Why no mention of a blow job for her???"

And "Hey, the initials for Valentine's Day spell VD!"

So I don't take her name in vain she is reviewing this comment.

Steve Williams
Scooter in the Sticks

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Scooter In The Sticks (Stve):

I am delighted that your wife is taking an interest in "Twisted Roads." I think my blog is an important part of a healthy relationship, and that sharing it generally brings bliss to both new and long-established romances.

Some women love the idea that a guy will actually put a little heart and soul in getting them a romantic gift. Others are suspicious of these efforts, either thinking the man in their life has consulted a ringer, like myself; or is consorting with some floozie. They demand the cash.

I thought the idea of the bonsai tree was neet. And I wanted my friends to know where they could get one. Leslie is the recipient of a tile every holiday. That works for her and me, so I reported it.

Big Jim's cookies are to die for. So I mentioned those too. And while I was at it, I pushed my own book.

Women don't get blow jobs. They get "Duck Calls." And many women stop looking for duck calls thinking they won't be called upon to reciprocate.

If you like, I'll be delighted to write a story for your wife titled, "Duck Call of the Wild."

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Steve Williams said...

Response from my wife regarding your story offer:

Quack.

Quack quack quack quack quack quack!

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Steve:

I really don't know how to answer that onew. And that's sort of a first

Fondest regards,
Jack

JStrube said...

Jack,

I'm a new "dedicated reader" for sure! I ride an R1200RT, & hail from Atwater California. Love to ride up in the Sierras. Even if I don't win the cookies, I'll look forward to the blog twice a week!

John.

Steve Williams said...

I've ordered two dozen of Big Jim's chocolate chip cookies. Easy ordering on the Web and fast email confirmation of my order.

Done and done.

Until Kim just called to share a story of excellence in customer service. Big Jim was worried about the weather and how it might affect shipping times and in turn the freshness of the cookies. He called home to see if it would be ok to wait a day before shipping.

Perfect!

You need to check with him to see if she told any bad stories about me or the Vespa. She told me to check out the Metro Racing site and pictures of Jim's Triumph.

I think Kim secretly wishes I would dump the Vespa and get a Triumph. A man's motorcycle...

I just want some cookies.

Steve Williams
Scooter in the Sticks
Follow me on TWITTER

classicvelocity said...

Dear Jack,

This is one holiday that I refuse to participate in. St Valentine is a red herring. It is the work of the International Florist's Union (IFU), an evil global entity trying to take over the world.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jack:
Do you have any suggestions for removing a Bonsai Tree from my ass? My significant other wanted chocolates.
Backdoor Bubba

Shannon Baker said...

Dear Abbey...err...Jack,

I am truly blessed in that Wonderful Wife is not picky or demanding on Valentines Day or any other holiday. Our Valentines tradition is a card and a heart shaped pizza from a great local establishment. None of all that folderol for us!

Of course, March 14th is celebrated with a similar lack of activity...

Maybe I will pick up some flowers...and a nice card...and dinner downtown...and cookies...

We'll it can't hurt.

Hang in there

Buddha

jasiii said...

you son of a $%#@^& I was have a "not good day" and I decieded to check out your latest ... read the header.. and now I need a new keyboard and screen..

Great write up..

Jim