Interim Twisted Roads Blog Post #214

Twisted Roads — the biker blog that brings you raw moto--adventure and romance like broken glass — publishes humorous editorial at length on Mondays and Thursdays. Yet life is simply too full of the good stuff to ignore the days in between. So from time to time, TW will publish interim blog posts of general interest, moto industry commentary, and other data, adhering to our uncompromising, yet thoroughly peculiar, editorial standards. Today we present:

The Twisted Road’s Motorcyclist’s Courtesy Test...

Biker’s have a reputation of being social Visigoths with short fuses, narrow perspectives, and appetites craving instant gratification for speed, sex, noise, whiskey (beer), danger and the kind of good times normally frowned upon by society in general and the police in particular. Yet thousands of conversations held with riders at rallies, on runs, and during bail hearings indicate most have a gentler side, not normally associated with hard, fast living.

Most riders defy the conclusions of conventional wisdom when it comes to being sensitive individuals, totally in tune with the world around them. For example, “Mother’s Day” remains the most traveled motorcycle holiday of the year, with many accessory shops reporting chromed gear sales — with mufflers, air filter covers, and even gas tanks — engraved to “Mom.” Likewise, tattoo parlors report skyrocketing sales of skin artwork with the word “Mother” prominent in the design on that day. (In many cases, the next word begins with the letter “F,” however.)

Now we are all familiar of the charity runs and the toy collection rides that are held by some of the gruffest and toughest riders on two wheels. But it’s time the general public got solid factual, inside data on sensitive biker behavior. The following survey was designed by Dr. Albert Hissingaz, of the Wilmington Institute of Hollistic Dry Cleaning, as the the ultimate measure of biker behavior. Readers are encouraged to take the poll, cutting and pasting their responses into the comments section at the end of this blog.

Two lucky respondents, chosen at random, will each receive a package of “Big Jim’s” Premium Chocolate Chip Cookies for their efforts.

Question #1:
You have been following a compact car, with Massachusetts plates, on a winding two-plane road for the last 87 miles. The posted speed limit is 45 miles per hour. On three occasions, when the double-yellow line became dotted, the driver ahead of you sped up just enough to prevent you from getting around him. You can see he is a middle-aged man, with thick glasses, and bushy eyebrows — the kind who is either a lecturing economist at Harvard or an actuary at an insurance company. The road is now straight, but with changes in elevation that warrant an endless double-yellow line. You know you can get around him, but there is no guardrail and the sudden shock of blowing past him might cause the driver to swerve and go off the cliff. You decide:

A) Just wait it out and play by the rules, despite the fact this little prick is exactly the kind of person who likes to impose his will on everyone else.

B) Blip your engine while flashing your lights, in hopes that he will wake up, come right, and wave you on... Otherwise, you will play by the rules.

C) Pull over at a pleasant vista; pour a nice cup of hot coffee from a Thermos; and give this jerk a 45-minute lead so you no longer have to think about him.

D) Use the back of your left hand to wipe the foam from your mouth... Wait until you have the very best view of the road ahead... Then blow past this guy, leaning on your Steble/Nautilus compact air horn (while running the mill to a screaming red line), glancing back in the mirror to see the car disappear into a ravine.


Question #2 (Men only)
You come out of a watering hole to discover that a woman, who happens to be a screamingly hot MILF, has placed her toddler on the seat of your $28,000 semi-custom bike, that is 4 days old. You would say:

A) “Excuse me, M’am. But that bike is very heavy and has hot parts on it. Your child could either be burned or crushed by it. I wouldn’t recommend putting the little guy on unattended motorcycles. Here... Let me get in the saddle and we can start it up for him.”

B) “M’am... I must ask you to consider how you’d respond to coming out of church or a town meeting meeting to find me sitting in your car. Now you wouldn’t like that very much, would you? I must ask you to regard this bike the same way.”

C) “Do you and this little guy have first names and cell phone numbers?”

D) “If that kid pisses himself on my custom leather seat both you and he are going to get a one-way trip to a taxidermist, and I don’t give a shit how hot looking you think you are.”

Question #3 (Women Only)
You have been in a local watering hole for the past two hours, chatting up some studly rider who happens to meet your nearly impossible criteria for a potential sperm donor. You look hot in your leathers and the deal is nearly closed, when in comes one of your closest girlfriends, wearing her tightest form-fitting ballistic gear. She is 5’4” tall, Asian, and oozes sensuality. She smiles at the stud, and your stock starts to drop. She heads toward the bathroom, and you follow (in the herding manner of women, who seem to piss best en masse). Once there, you:

A) Politely ask her to disappear as this guy is yours.

B) Drag her into a stall, make out passionately, and invite her back to the house the next night.

C) Pull the toilet seat off the can and smash her in the back of the head with it. After all, good friends should know when to stop being such good friends.


Question #4
You have parked your bike in a marked spot along the curb, where three other bikes are already parked. Yet you come back an hour later to find the other bikes gone, and a half electric/half goat-shit hybrid parked within an inch of your left side bag. The car is so close to your bike, that you cannot lift it from the side stand without having the bag contact the car’s bumper. You would:

A) Patiently wait for the owner of the car to return, so you could explain why parking like this was a bad idea.

B) Struggle to move the bike on the side stand — a fraction of an inch at a time — to ease it away from the car, so you can ride off. Then you leave a note on the car’s windscreen advising the driver that you now have his plate number, and soon his address, where you will meet him on a dark night.

C) Realizing that someone this stupid will not benefit from confrontation, you rip a page out of your road map, spread instant gasket cement (RTV) on one side, and glue it to the windscreen of the hybrid.

D) If it is dark, you do “C” above, then also urinate on the driver’s door handle.


Question #5
One of your riding friends deserves a special Christmas present... But you’re short on cash, having only $45 to spend. Furthermore, you could use a quick pick-me-up yourself, but have to take it out of that same $45. You would:

A) Buy a bottle of Michter’s American Whiskey and drink most of, saving your friend a shot.

B) Buy one ounce of BMW motorcycle touch-up paint and use it to paint your girlfriend’s toenails (if she’ll cook dinner wearing only that and perfume).

C) You buy two copies of Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists — by Jack Riepe — at the special Christmas price of $45 for two books (plus S&H), and get them signed and autographed, and only pay the shipping and handling for one!

If you are ordering two books, the first is $30...
The second is $15 (the original cover price), with only $5 S&H.
The price of a single book is $30, plus $5 S&H

To Order Your Copy of “Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists:”

Email your full name, address, and phone number to:
jack.riepe@gmail.com

Put: "Book Order" in the subject line.
Each book is shipped with an invoice and a stamped, pre-addressed payment envelope. Write a check, and slip it in the mailbox when the book arrives.

To Order A Gift Book For Someone Else:

Email your full name, address, and phone number to:
jack.riepe@gmail.com

Very Important: Also include the gift book’s recipient’s full name, (First and Last), and tell me something about them. (He or she plays golf... He/she rides a motorcycle... He/she hunts,... He/she smokes cheap cigars... Tell me something.) Your name will be included in the inscription on the book.

Books are shipped 1st class USPS within 24 hours of order, starting Wednesday, November 30th.

These are the last of the author’s authorized signed editions... Order yours today.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2011


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