Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Special Valentine's Day Offer From Jack Riepe...

(To view Monday's TW episode, click here.)

Attention Women Riders...


Tell Your Paramour/Rider/Lover Of Your Passion
— With A Personally Written Valentine —

By Jack Riepe

Free!* Free!* Free!*
(With The Purchase of His Widely Popular Cigar Book)


With less than a month away from the most romantic day of the year, this is your opportunity to make up for that really shitty gift you gave the most important person in your life for Christmas. Do you remember that lackluster look in his eyes when he opened that “As Seen On TV Tool” that doesn’t fit a damn thing on his bike; or the fleeting smile when he saw the designer tie that he has yet to wear on his job as a moose hunting guide; or the raised eyebrows when he received the Vegan Cookbook For Deer Camp?

Well this is you chance to make up for lost ground.


For only $30
plus $5 bucks shipping and handling


You can present the guy in your life with the most perfect collection of essays and mood-lifting stories ever to delight the male psyche...

Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists...

Is the book written specifically for men who think they know who they are, and for women who intend to tell them otherwise... This book is 30 chapters dedicated to the manly art of cigar smoking, and its impact on romance, nature, politics, social change, sex, deep interpersonal relationships, and escaping from the drudgery that puts the grind in daily life.



Readers who’ve bought this book claim:

1) Having fewer arguments with in-laws (former)*
2) Enjoying the kind of sex lives typically shared by mink on breeding farms*
3) A better understanding of what to expect from elected officials, divorce lawyers, and poisonous spiders*
4) Sharing relationship success in third and fourth marriages*
5) And getting the most out of social climbing with a cigar in hand*

* All claims are unsubstantiated by scientific data but circulated as fact at the Wilmington Institute of Holistic Dry Cleaning.

But Wait!!! There’s More!!!

Male Sensitivity Specialist, Humorist, and Moto-Author Jack Riepe will personally autograph and inscribe each book — numbered to the date of each sale...

“And draft a special, two-paragraph Valentine
to your book recipient!”


You read that right... Each sale (US only) will include a brief interview (or e-mail exchange) resulting in an original 2-paragraph Valentine, written especially for the recipient of your book.

Here's an exciting sample... (From a woman to a man):

Dear Billy Bob —

If there was only one day in the year in which I could express my passion for you, it would have to have a month-full of hours. And even then, time would stand still when the tips of my fingers caressed your arms, tracing the tattoos of the jails that couldn’t hold you, the names of fallen women that came before me, and the coat of arms of the motorcycle club that is sleeping it off on the living room floor right now.

None can tell how long love will last... Yet even if our passion extinguished one star each evening, I know it would be over too soon for me... And I hide that thought behind the gleam of the gold in your smile. Please accept this book as a token of what I really feel for you, along with (or in place of) this evening of physical bliss.

With all my love,
Chrissy

Valentines will vary in intensity with the available information... Each Valentine will come with a certificate of authenticity, as having been written by Jack Riepe, guaranteeing it is one of a kind. All Valentine’s will be printed in script, on high-quality paper (not recycled mummification bandages), and mailed with each book.

Every Valentine comes with a $1 Million Dollar Guarantee... If you don’t like it, send Jack Riepe $1,000,000.00 (USD) and he’ll rewrite it until you do.

To Order Your Special “Valentine’s Collectors Edition” of Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists — accompanied by a one-of-a kind message of passion and romance, simply:

Email your full name, address, and phone number to:
jack.riepe@gmail.com

a) Put: "Book Order" in the subject line.
b) Include the full name of the recipient (i.e. “Bill Jones”)
c) What is the relationship of the recipient to you? (i.e. husband, boyfriend, sperm donor, pleasant “ex”, same-sex partner, etc.)
d) Do they play golf... Ride a motorcycle (What kind?)... Hunts, fish... How do they endear themselves to you? Tell me something
e) Each book is shipped with an invoice and a stamped, pre-addressed payment envelope. Write a check, and slip it in the mailbox when the book arrives.

No data is kept or sold after books are shipped... Not like some vampire-run mailing houses.

Order soon... These take time to process! The last book will be shipped February 7, 2012.

Remember: Books autographed by the author are worth more in the event of his death, which has been predicted by a handful of women to occur any day now. Guarantee you have an "original" signed copy.

7 comments:

Ashamed to know you said...

You are truly warped. Get help before it's too early

Jack Riepe said...

How many book do you want, and how do you want me to address your letter?

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

bobskoot said...

Jack:

consider for a moment that I may require a special Valentine, for hypothetical purposes, to my male boyfriend in the UK, let's call him Nikos for the sake of simplicity.

could I obtain a "sample" paragraph so I could determine if this was to my liking ? before I made a financial commitment.

thanks,
from frozen BC

bob
Riding the Wet Coast

bobskoot said...

Jack:

ps: I've got nothing to hide, just post it HERE

thanks again,
from Rainy cold, BC

bob
Riding the Wet Coast

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Bobskoot:

Don't be cheap... Just bite the bullet and buy the product. You see how I write... And everyone is always happy.

I have no problem writing a Valentine for anyone. Who knows how and where love strikes? And I think Nikos would be thrilled to hear from you. Did you know he was a cow and gate baby?

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Dan Mckenzie said...

I have my autographed copy. It's enshrined on a special altar with 47 candles and I offer it sacrifices everyday. Today I offered it my old Sportster mufflers and a glass of Chartreuse. It actually drank the Chartreuse! (or "somebody" did...)

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Dan:

Please, whatever you do, don't leave that book around open bottles of liquor or where it can grab your bike keys.

Thank you for buying a copy from me. Your purchase helps make this blog possible. Only books bought here support this blog.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep