Monday, March 26, 2012

Dispatches From The Front...

The "Dispatches From The Front" section of Twisted Roads provides a forum for our readers to ask questions about motorcycle-riding technique, mechanical issues, relationship-building, science, politics, heated gear, and chocolate chip cookies for sexual barter. No subject is too delicate. Twisted Roads' staff are not licensed professionals, but many have library cards.


Dear Dispatches From The Front:

Nobody outside of a strange and warped BMW riding community has seen Jack Riepe since he disappeared to the New Jersey shore last October. Riepe appeared once as a semi-serious public speaker and then disappeared again. Yet unsuspecting Twisted Roads readers are suddenly confronted with stories of a “Heated Gear” distributor, working bike rallies out of an RV (allegedly appointed like the palace of a mogul), who carries on with unabashed shenanigans that allegedly attract and ultimately despoil easily-duped women.

Does anyone else find this odd?

Has anyone ever seen Jack Riepe (code name: Magic Man) and Dan Allen (code name: Shango Rider) together, in the same room? The answer to the question is apparently “no.” Yet both have white hair. Both wear glasses. Both have adored dark blue motorcycles. Both ride BMWs. Both have filtered coffee through the left cup of a 34 “b” brassiere. Both are hated and despised by gentle women everywhere. And both stutter like machine guns when asked the question, “Has my wife been in here today?”

There is ample evidence that Jack Riepe (Magic Man) and Dan Allen (Shango Rider) are the same person. Consider “Exhibit A,” a well-documented picture of Jack Riepe on “Blue Balls,” taken by a woman who loved him but who wised up at the last moment. Compare it with “Exhibit B,” alleged to be a shot of “Dan Allen,” banking into a curve. Note the same sloppy handling of the motorcycle in both pictures. Note both are wearing full-face helmets. And note that both are riding the cursed bike of the “Boys In The Bund.”

Coincidence? I think not.

Above: Jack Riepe executes a vicious lean on "Blue Balls," a famous BMW K75 with a rare Sprint Fairing. Stop action photo by Leslie Marsh.


Above: Dan Allen "Shango Rider" executes a gentle twistie on the famous BMW "R" bike, known to millions as "Flounder."

I demand that the two of these "gentlemen" be produced in the same room at a major motorcycle rally, so we can judge for ourselves.


Sincerely,
Ebbit Banger
Sedalia, MO

Dear Mr. Banger:

It is no secret that Jack Riepe has gone into a forced seclusion, reportedly to the New Jersey shore, to regain his composure and to finish the great American “Motorcycle Book,” that he has been writing forever. But he has been seen. Local authorities claim he attempted to hold up a “food bank,” by pulling a plastic trash bag over his his head and demanding that the “teller” put all the Hostess Twinkies in a sack. This volunteer worker, a spry thing of 79, thought he said something else, and lifted up her shirt. She then threatened to call police unless he “followed through.”

Nine states away, Dan Allen was alleged to be having sex in his RV, as per the sound effects filtering through thin aluminum walls... This has not been confirmed as he was alone. Both have denied knowing each other, with Allen claiming to spit whenever Riepe’s name was mentioned. There are no plans for a Riepe/Allen Rally confrontation at this time. Your allegations are unfounded.

Fondest regards,
Pansy “Hammerhead” Begonia
Reader Relations/Twisted Roads



Dear Dispatches From The Front:

I was in attendance at the New Jersey Shore BMW Riders Monthly Dinner (March 14, 2012), specifically to hear the guest speaker — Jack Riepe. I was one of Riepe’s brunette conquests decades before, when he rode a Kawssaki H2 (1975). The man introduced as “Jack Riepe” was charming, engaging, and very entertaining. The man I remember as Jack Riepe was coarse, rough-cut, and basically evil. (He farted like a fog horn the first time I introduced him to my mother.) Also, the speaker welcomed as Jack Riepe was a lot better looking than the young, Kawasaki-riding, fencing team champion that I remember.

I started to get the most uncomfortable feeling... That this man was not the Jack Riepe that I knew, but some kind of an imposter, probably transported to earth by aliens for some nefarious purpose. And then I saw something that really troubled me. Jack loved wienerschnitzel. This guy didn’t touch his meal (as evident in the picture of him sitting at the table), but he surreptitiously scarfed up the wienerschnitzel — and shoved it in his pants — when nobody was looking. It is a well-known fact that Jack Riepe possesses no useful knowledge about anything. This Riepe seemed to be an authority on heated gear. I found that odd too.

Then a stunning young woman, on her way to the ladies room, wagged her ass at his eye-level as she passed, and he utterly ignored it. The Jack Riepe I know would have tackled that derriere and gone truffle-hunting in denim. Yet this guy simply turned the conversation to the value of quality heated gear. Something is wrong here.

The behavior of this odd Riepe clone was so disturbing, that I opted to remain anonymous, instead of showing him the pictures of the child he has never seen, and who now hunts the shadows for him with murderous intent.

Very truly yours,
Charlotte Aldente
Cowflop, NJ


Dear Charlotte Aldente:

Thank you for your note of concern. Other attendees at that same event have also reported that the speaker — Jack Riepe — seemed a little strange that night. Mr. Riepe’s behavior is easily explained, however. There is no bar at Schneider’s German-American Restaurant and this was the first time in 40 years that he has ever addressed a group while stone cold sober. The fact that he hadn’t had a snort of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey in 24 hours probably had him so cross-eyed that he didn’t recognize a fabulous keester only inches away.

There is no need for you to continue wondering if Jack Riepe is actually someone else, who is an authority on heated motorcycle gear.

Very Truly Yours:
Pansy “Hammerhead” Begonia
Reader Relations/Twisted Roads


Dear Dispatches From The Front:

I recently purchased a 1995, red K75, tricked out like a rare and magnificent “signature bike,” with the intent of using it to knock off a nice piece of sugar and spice every other weekend. The motorcycle is smoking hot, with an engine that runs flawlessly, pushing a frame that has been meticulously maintained, and festooned with incredibly powerful riding lights. Yet the first time I pulled up to a “Chiquita on the vine,” and revved the engine, she laughed, saying, “Keep moving, Pops.” Then she jiggled her rack at me and added, “These would give you a heart attack.” This has since happened several times.

What am I doing wrong?

Sincerely,
Addison Filmore
Door-To-Door Veterinary Gynecologist To The Stars
Acid Rain, Co


Dear Addison Filmore:

Thank you for writing in to Twisted Roads, the moto-blog for raw adventure and romance like broken glass. While the K75 has a long and established reputation for a chick magnet (especially in red), the bike’s character must be enhanced by the rider for maximum effect. Have you tried acting like a game show host? Perhaps the previous owner combined something in his personality with the dynamics of the bike (i.e a dazzling smile, or a line like “Allow me to reproduce myself?”) to break the ice?

More likely, you have just discovered that unlike the title, the “signature” part is not transferable. Can you spell“screw-ola?”

Fondest regards,
Sue Ellen Shaveclam
Twisted Roads Technical Adviser


Dear Dispatches From The Front:

Nancy Lee and I have been sweethearts since she first took her top off on my Sportster, for her high school graduation picture. I had always heard that the one thing a woman could eat that would make her stop giving trombone solos (you know, bobbing for the bedroom banana) was wedding cake. So I was real careful when Nancy Lee (not her real name) and me, Stanley Kowalski (my real name) got married to make sure she didn’t get none of that four-story confection with the little bride and groom on it. But she must have snuck some in the ladies room at the Howard Johnsons because she’d just laugh when I brought the subject up after we got married.

The price of “banana bobbing” must have risen faster than gas because “Nancy Lee” (not her real name) said if I insisted, it would cost me my share of the trailer, the gas grill, and the pay TV satellite.

I was so desperate for a home-grown, lip-lock on my love-muscle that I tried enticing her with everything, including a box of Big Jim’s “Insanely Delicious” Chocolate Chip cookies.

“Save your petty bribes,” she sneered.

I got so upset that I climbed into bed one night with a whole box of Big Jim’s cookies, and started eating them one after another. The aroma of the perfect cookie, magnified by a dozen, drifted through the bedroom, and Nancy Lee said, “Can I have one?”

My heart softened, momentarily, and I replied, “You can have a piece of one, Honey.” So I gave her a chuck with about 50 chocolate chips and 35 nut pieces on it. I heard her nipples click into “love spasm” mode two seconds later.

“Can I have another bite,” she asked?

“Sure, I whispered. “Once crumb at a time.” And I crumbled a whole cookie under the sheets.

Nancy Lee howled like a banshee. Then she dived under the sheets and did the best “Hoover” impersonation I ever witnessed. She left no spot untouched. I am writing to thank Big Jim personally, and to ask him a question that I am sure is on every man’s mind. “Do you plan to make beer as good as these cookies anytime soon.”

I had planned to give Nancy Lee (her real name is Brenda) chocolate bunnies in a basket for the upcoming holiday. Instead I’m going to order several dozen of Big Jim’s “Insanely Delicious” Chocolate Chip cookies. I know a good thing when I find it.

Sincerely,
Stanley Kowalski
15 Swallow Lane
Bog Holler, Tennessee

Big Jim's "Insanely Delicious" Chocolate Chip Cookies... "They get a better reaction than Easter Eggs." Order a few dozen... Like this blog? My sponsors make it possible for you to read it.


Dear Stanley:

Just imagine the bedroom possibilities if Big Jim made donuts instead of cookies? He is taking holiday orders now.

Fondest regards,
Chungelina Fongulle
Twisted Roads Human Interest editor

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2012
All rights reserved

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Reipe and Allen are NOT the same guy, Allen is much beter looking.

BeemerGirl said...

One look between those two images of said Riepe and Allen and anyone would know they are not the same person. Riepe's absolute disdain for the superior "R" would never allow him to be photographed on the coveted bike.

Anonymous said...

Dear Editor:

Dan Allen is the kind of guy who would pass himself off as Riepe, especially if he thought he might get laid. Riepe would pass himself off as Leonardo DiCaprio to beat a minor traffic ticket.

Sincerely
Debbie "Titty-Bang" Wowzer
Hackettstown, NJ

Shango RIder said...

I feel I must defend myself here. To be compared with the likes of Reipe is offensive and insulting to me (hack… hack… spit). While I used to ride a K75, I graduated to the R11 years ago, a step that Reepe couldn’t make if he took lessons from Reg Pridmore for a month. And mine was black, not that prissy blue that he loves so much. I prefer manly Ring Dings to #@$*& Twinkies, and the walls of my RV are sound deadening fiberglass, sufficient to stifle the moans of multiple women simultaneously (as verified by my neighbors on the infield at Daytona this year). Riipe may write well, but his allure is confined to 79 year old food bank workers and illusive “SnowQueens” that exist only in his imagination. Perhaps “Overripe” would be a better nickname than Magic Man.

bimmerhead said...

I heard they're twins separated at birth.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Twisted Roads Readers:

The question is not "Why would Jack Riepe pose as Dan Allen?"; but "how long has Dan Allen been telling genteel and trusting women that he is Jack Riepe?"

I am not surprised to hear rumors to this extent regarding "R" bike riders. It's the drifting coal dust that makes them a little crazy. Thank God the new "R" bikes have proper cooling systems.

Still, I see no reason for anyone to expect Dan Allen and me to stand side-by-side just to prove we are two different people. And what if we're not? Would that be so terrible?

Thank you all for reading Twisted Roads, and for writing in.

Fondest regards,
Jack Riepe
Publisher / Twisted Roads

Pillon gal said...

Why would Jack Riepe pose as Dan Allen?
The answer is in the pictures provided.
Note Allen at full tilt tearing up the asphalt on the Tail of the Dragon on his 90 hp rocket. Note his full riding gear, the flame throwers mounted above his mirrors for nighttime visibility, and the full size saddle bags and top case.
Compare that to the picture of Riepe in his driveway in New Jersey. He’s bare handed, with paltry little parking lights mounted to the forks and the undersized luggage. It makes me wonder what else is undersized on Riepe.

It’s obvious, Riepe is trying to steal the thunder of a real rider. I'll take Allen's pillon any day of the week.

Marty said...

Last summer I stopped by the Shango Rider booth at the MOA National Rally and found it closed. At the time I figured that was because of the hot weather, but now that I think about it, it was the same time as Riepe's seminar.
Another coincidence?
It’s starting to make sense now.
Has ANYONE ever seen these guys together?

Charlie6 said...

Acid Rain, Colorado! I've then there! It's right next to Hygiene, CO .

I too questioned that a K Bike rider would have the wherewithal and elan to ride an R Bike with the verve and skill displayed in the picture, coal dust notwithstanding.

Dom

Redleg's Rides

Colorado Motorcycle Travel Examiner

Jack Riepe said...

Dear "Anonymous:"

How is it the readers who make the most definitive statements, do so from the darkness from the back of the room?

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads, and for writing in, even though you are wrong.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Beemer Girl (Steel Cupcake):

It's not that I have disdain for the noble "R" bike (the design of which has stayed pure and true since being introduce by Pharaoh Imohotep III, in 1456 BC). It's just that the "K" bike sounds like metal in orgasm from the time the starter button is pushed.

It's a sound that reverberates off my soul.

Some of my best friends and the hottest blonds I know ride "R' bikes.

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads and for commenting.

Fondest regaards,
Jack/reep

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Debbie Titty-Bang Wowzer:

Dan Allen seems like a perfectly nice guy, who may have mastered my "battered baby seal look," my sense of verve and panache, and my distinct one of a kind profile...

Wait a minute!!!! That would make him me, wouldn't it?

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads, and for writing in.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Dan Allen:

Not that it makes a difference to me, but you appear to have said you prefer a man's Ring Dings to &*%#ing someone in the soft, cream-filled Twinkies. Do I have that right?

Also, you claim to have moaning women in your RV... Are they handcuffed to a hot radiator?

Inquiring minds want to know?

Thanking for reading Twisted Roads, and for pissing and moaning in the process.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Mr. Bimmerhead:

My mother often intimated I had an evil twin, that had been left by the side of the road when his true character was revealed.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Pillion Gal:

Thank you for the kind inquiry. When I get a hard-on, which is often, I have the waistline of the late Mahatma Ghandi.

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads, and for writing in.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Marty:

It was my hope to get through this bit of controversy without anyone bringing up that fact. Okay, so Shango can't account for 90 minutes of his life, and I can't account for 20 years of mine.

This could happen to anybody. Thank you for reading Twisted Roads, and for blowing the whistle on me.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Charlie6 (Dom):

You'd be amazed ay how my "R" bike riders are recommending that my next machine should be of their flavor. I'm told they have a lower seat height, lower center of gravity, less weight, and greater dignity.

Quite frankly, I think this is a trap.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Brady Steffl said...

Jack,

I'm with Dom. If the devil's in the details (and you've been likened to him, I'm sure, plenty of times) then I've found a bit of you in the details - particularly the names and origins of the letters. I'm not sure why, but that's the part that made me laugh the most.

I'll pass on some words a friend once passed, "Keep on truckin, cause sometimes truckin's all ya got."

We were 17 at the time, I have no idea what on God's green earth he was talking about. Use it how you will.

Brady
Behind Bars - Motorcycles and Life

Conchscooter said...

I have met Jack Riepe and can attest that after he has poured half a bottle of Irish Whiskey down your throat he shape shifts. I walked bandy legged with a limp for days after the encounter.

quickerthanU said...

All this talk about Riepe and Allen being one guy is utter nonsense. The truth of the matter is that they're both the result of cloning experiments back in the 50s. Given these results, it's no wonder the experiments were abandoned.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Brady:

The expression "Keep On Truckin'," and the graphic cartoon of the "Truckin' Guy," were the creation of 1970's cartoonist "Crumb." I was in High School at the time.

We took the meaning to be "sex, drugs, and rock and roll" were the basis of artistic development.

I'm delighted the dialogue-type nature of this blog episode got a rise out of you.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Conchscooter:

You are such an ass. My shape didn't shift... Your perspective did, as you were laying on the ground with a Triumph on top of you. Sorry I missed your call yesterday. I was incognito as I go through the rewrites of this book.

I'll try and catch up with you today.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Jack Riepe said...

Dear QuickerthanU:

There is a difference between a legitimate genetic experiment and indiscriminately planting the seed of life in a bar on a Friday night. Nevertheless, it disturbs me that so many of you are so close to the truth.

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads,
And for writing in.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep