Tuesday, May 1, 2012

"Hard Ride" Gives Biker 20-Month Boner... Me Too!


A California man filed suit against the manufacturer of premium German-built bikes, claiming the hard ride on  his near-vintage 1993 BMW, equipped with a Corbin-Pacific seat, gave him an erection that lasted over a year and a half. (See the story here.) In a suit against BMW North America and Corbin-Pacific, Henry Wolfe, 52, is  seeking $25,000 in damages, claiming that a grueling four-hour motorcycle ride resulted in a raging boner that wouldn’t quit for 20 months. Wolfe seems to think the stiff,  “ridged” design of the seat, and something about the bike, precipitated the condition known as “priapism,” in which a man’s penis engorges with blood and refuses to deflate. In severe cases, the penis develops a mind of its own, taking over the host’s body, and assuming responsibility for making spur-of-the-moment relationship decisions involving pole dancers and truck-stop beauty queens.

Dr. Albert Hissingaz, legal counsel of the Wilmington Institute of Holistic Dry Cleaning, believes this will start a boner-enhancement race between major motorcycle manufacturers, who have been waiting to make claims like this for years.

Not surprisingly, I have received dozens of emails and FaceBook communications riveting my attention to the situation. Many Twisted Roads readers are of the same mind as Mike Shipley, who wrote, “I thought this was right up your alley.” While I regret that Mr. Wolfe has suffered some degree of hardship, not withstanding what his 15 minutes of fame is likely to cost him in any biker saloon, there really isn’t much of a story here. Any BMW rider knows that pointing one of these machines into a straightaway, or a series of tight curves, and opening the throttle will result in a bullet-proof hard-on. The finely balanced weight-to-horsepower ratio of every BMW model guarantees great gas mileage, which means you can be in the saddle for quite a while. It is on long rides that many BMW pilots have reported vying with their penis to remain in control.

Not all are successful.

Tillman C. Flager was a mild-mannered insurance company actuary who got tired of tipping lap dancers, only to have them spit in his drink when he tried to chat them up. He bought a 2011 BMW F800, thinking a motorcycle might bring out his inner man.

It did.

On a three-hour and forty-five-minute run from his home in Spilt Milk, Nebraska, Flager’s Johnson inflated and took on the characteristics of “a washing machine drain hose stuffed with rebar.” (His description.) It began making decisions regarding the direction in which he was riding, eventually determining where he would stop and who he would talk to. He had a mad compulsion to screw every third women he met. And after a while, he just wanted to screw everyone. So he quit his job and got elected to Congress, where he is known as one of the most enduring pricks in government.

In another case, Elliot Flossenberger, a librarian facing forced retirement,  was ripping along a back road in West Virginia on a 2004 BMW K1200GT — when he realized he’d lost all track of time. Flossenberger figured he was in the saddle about four hours, when the wind howling over the bike (which was cruising at the normal 125 mph) ripped the gas cap from its hinges. Acting as a siphon, the sudden draft began to vaporize the exposed fuel, when the opening was suddenly plugged by his raging phallus. The heroic appearance of an epic boner not only enabled him to ride for another four days, but it solved a bigger problem when he got home. His future, former wife started to bombard him with hundreds of annoying questions, which he answered by slapping the old salami and saying, “Direct your inquiries to Cupid’s microphone.” She fled, never to be seen again.

BMW "R" Bike Rider Dick Bregstein demonstrates how seat-effect helps him carry a bundt cake home from the bakery. Clyde Jacobs (to the right) says, "No cake fore me tonight!"


Most BMW riders have accepted the fact that Teutonic motorcycles are natural boner-enhancing agents. Ride toughened members in one chartered BMW riding club (serving southeast Pennsylvania) celebrate this fact by hanging mistletoe from their belt buckles around the winter holidays, so their wives and girlfriends can join in too — whether they ride or not.

I just accept the fact that riding a BMW K75 makes my life different in a number of ways — some of which were more practical than romantic. One year, my former lover and I had decided to plant a vegetable garden out back. The ground was very rocky and  I filled three spackle buckets with stones. I was able to carry one in each hand, and the third by looping the handle over “Big Lou and The Twins.” On another occasion, in which I had  an expensive BMW side bag in each hand, I was able to use the “Jack Hammer” to catch my motorcycle, which had begun to fall on the heat-softened asphalt.

While Henry Wolfe is complaining, a number of BMW riders have reported that their seats were stolen by riders of other marques, whose bikes seem to have the opposite effect.

But there does reach a point where fighting for control with the “other”pilot does get tiresome, however. One former lover of mine claimed the bike had turned my one-eyed anaconda into a compass needle that was forever pointing toward her ass. I guess this just proves that BMW motorcycles aren’t for everyone.

Here are some of the comments I received lately.

Buzz Davis: There are many reasons to ride a BMW... Here’s the best one (hard-on).

Bregstein: I paid extra for that (seat) feature.

Mike Shipley: I thought this (story) was right up your alley.

Dan Allen (Shango Rider): I note that he waited 20 months before filing his lawsuit.  Was he having fun for 19 months and only then decided he should sue?

Brian Curry: Now I know why Jack got so much for the K75 with the “custom seat.”

Gef Flimlin: Another reason to ride a BMW... (hard-on)

William Quarton: I don't know why your name came to mind when I saw this article... (about the moto hard-on).



A Review of:
Politically Correct Cigar Smoking for Social Terrorists
Published By Croften and Stone ° 30 Chapters ° Price $30 (Autographed by Author)

By Michele Smith

The convoluted humor of Jack Riepe is not for everyone. Those who like his work tend to really like it. And those who dislike it generally hate both it and him. Rarely have I read a book with such mixed emotions, wanting to read it day and night until I finished, but not wanting the stories to end.  I decided to read it by chapters, pausing between each short story to thoroughly enjoy it's content. It has been a very long time since I have laughed like this book made me laugh, or even realized how much I really needed to laugh.

Riepe has a unique writing style. His command of the English language appears coincidental, until you realize his choice of words and use of complex sentences is anything but. He has the ability to draw the reader into the situation to the point where I felt like I was a character in each chapter, watching each plot unfold, anticipating his bumbling reactions, and gauging the expressions of the faces of other characters. His method of telling a story is flawless.

Yet the book is flawed. I found dozens of typos that should have been caught by a proofreader, giving rise to the question: “Did the author refuse to let a proofreader look at it for fear they would change the context?” Those familiar with Riepe’s work in his blog or his column in the BMW Motorcycle Owners of America’s monthly Owner’s News will also see a distinct difference in the style used throughout this book and his current material. The only explanation is that his perspective has matured, to the extent that an irresponsible kid’s perspective can ever mature.


Michelle Smith on her BMW F650GS. A hard ride suites her just fine. Note pigtails.


Technically speaking, the book is about cigars. Riepe uses a blend of tobacco terminology and loose facts to create an aura of familiarity with cigars and the people who smoke them. And while he seems to convey the idea that he knows what he’s talking about (in the same way he writes about motorcycles), the book is far more focused on human nature (relationships, politics, romance, divorce, and trends).

It is hard to state which chapters I loved the most though a few favorites come to mind. First, was the story of Riepe’s grandfather smoking a cigar at a funeral. Secondly,  the story of the “real” woman (with the stogie in her mouth), who gave the author a lip-lock, while he was pinned under his motorcycle. Finally, there was the story of the cigar room with the submarine hatch for isolation, in response to the author’s lover de jour, who was growing pantyhose in his bathroom.

The only chapter I did not completely love was the last one. however. The author saves his parting shot for those who have gone out of their way in their persecution of cigar smokers — who are enjoying their vice outside. He singles out politicians, lawyers, and accountants, as well as tree huggers, as bottom-feeding, social gnats.

Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists seems like an unlikely topic for the  average woman. But this book is more about a humor writer’s perspective on life’s trends, and how to buck then, duck them, or do anything else that rhymes. It has whet my appetite for Riepe’s next work, rumored to be about motorcycles.

Michelle Smith is a Twisted Roads reader and rides a BMW F650GS through the alligator infested swamps of southern Florida. A former cigarette smoker, she does not advocate the use of tobacco products, though believes ripping around on a motorcycle, or in red-hot vintage muscle convertibles builds character. She’s right. Smith works with lions, tigers, and wild cats on an animal preserve. 

Give The Biggest Mother You Know 
A Copy Of My Cigar Book!

How To Order Your Copy Of:
Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists...

1) One Autographed, Personally Inscribed Copy...
• $30 plus $5 Shipping and Handling

2) Two Autographed, Personally Inscribed Copies...
• $45, plus  $5 Shipping and Handling
• You save $15 on the cost of the second book, and an additional $5 bucks in S&H...
• Plus You get to give a book away for “Mother’s Day!”

3) Email me at jack.riepe@gmail.com
• Just indicate “Cigar Book Order” in the subject line!
• Tell me if you want one book or two...
• Tell if the book is for you or for a friend...
• If a gift, tell me the first and last name of the recipient, plus something about them...
(i.e. They ride a BMW and have had a hard-on for the last 18 months or so...)

SEND NO MONEY!!!
Each book is mailed 1st Class and comes complete with an invoice and postage-paid envelope.

Include your first and last name, your address, and your telephone number...

 


©Copyright Jack Riepe 2012

20 comments:

Cy-clops said...

I am reminded of a BMW rider at a nudist colony who was regarded as the most popular male due to his uncanny ability to carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

Of course the most popular woman at the nudist colony was the one who could eat the last donut.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Cy:

I used to be married to her. She could really yodel too!

Fondest regards,
Jack/Reep

Cantwell said...

Dear Jack,

I knew there was something peculiar with my K75. Funny thing is, once I got that 'bead rider' seat cover, it got worse. I knew there was a purpose for the beads.

Cheers,
Michael

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Michael:

You trade the beads to women in exchange for having them lift up their shirts. If you have questions, just ask me.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Shango Rider said...

BMW's famed ergonomics hard at work (pun intended).

Shango

Dan Mckenzie said...

I road my BMW R1150GS 32 hours straight from Alaska to Minnesota last summer. It's not possible to describe the effect. I'm thinking of selling the movie rights: "The Thing III"...

Canajun said...

I didn't think you'd be able to pass this story up! LOL.

Nikos said...

Jack

I fitted the "Adventure" seat to my GS and since then have never looked back. In fact I'm having difficulty looking forward too!

Yours as ever,

Nikos the Ottoman

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Nikos:

There could be two reasons for this.

Does it seem like there is a smaller rider on the bike between you and the gas tank? If so, you are experiencing the seat effect.

Or it could simply mean you have yet to adjust to the height of the bike, which is 43 feet above sea level.

It is always a pleasure to hear from you.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Canajun:

Actually, I was going to let it go. I figured this guy was just another of life's individuals, marching to a different stroke.

But then his story made the wire services— and so many Twisted Roads Readers sent it to me — that I was obligated to say something.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Dan McKenzie:

You know what they say about rising a BMM: "The longer you ride... The longer it gets..."

Thanks for reading and for writing in.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Shango Rider (Dan):

I really don't understand the problem. When the little pilot starts banging on the gas tank, it's time to pull over and do something about it.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

bobskoot said...

Jack:

Now all I can think of is to purchase a Corbin Seat. Do you think a Beemer one will fit my Suzuki ?

bob
Riding the Wet Coast
My Flickr // My YouTube

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Bobskoot:

If you buy the Beemer attached to the seat, your balls get hard too.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

Mike Shipley said...

I May have to sue Corbin also, I have a K75 with a Corbin also, I rode about 2000 mile last 2 weekends 2 days in the saddle for about 9 hours, sadly I did not have any of his affects.
I also wonder if the guy is a Twisted Roads reader & he is trying fr the top position with the Snow Queen.

I also knew you would have much needed input to this story & filling in some missing facts.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Mr. Shipley:

I am afraid the SnowQueen no longer believes she has a bone(r) to pick with me, and I am no longer the flavor of the week in that regard.

I did have a Corbin Comfort Saddle on my first BMW K75 (with the Sprint Fairing), and while I never got a boner from riding it, my ass damn near split a couple of times.

Fondest regards,
Jack/reep

cpa3485 said...

If I hadn't already seen the news story, I would have thought you were making this shit up. But then I knew better, or did I?

Great commentary,

Jimbo

Ronman said...

Dear Jack,

The only explanation I can imagine for taking 20 months to file suite is that finally someone rode him till the meat fell off.

Respectfully,

Ronman

Dan Mckenzie said...

Still among the living? Haven't seen any thng here or on Facebook in over 2 weeks. My "full belly laugh" muscles are getting soft!

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