Dispatches From The Front...

Twisted Roads will routinely publish readers' comments or respond to questions seeking advice about technical riding, maintenance, relationships, sexual dysfunction, or motorcycle accessories. While advice is given freely, you get what you pay for. You might be better off with the services of a professional bartender or a truck stop sexual surrogate.

Dear Jack: 

I've been reading your blog and articles in BMW's ON for a while now. Thanks for the many chuckles.  You and I are similar in many ways: born in '57 here, and my bike of choice in my late teens/early 20's was also an "uncool" steed — a 1977 BMW R75/7 with the huge barn door Luftmesiter fairing and the black briefcase styled saddlebags.  Sexy quotient: 0 percent.   But I loved it anyway.  I rode it like is was a crotch rocket of course. And being that age,  I was indestructible with no sense or fear.

Above: Jim Surgent with his classically beautiful BMW K75RT. More riders have gotten laid on BMW K75's than any other motorcycle in history. In fact, the K75 was known as the "Condom Sales King" of Motorcycles.

 Back then the "R" bike foot pegs did not have the spring hinge to fold up like your K75. They were solid, so as not to allow the cylinder heads to touch on hard leans.  I wore them down far enough to do just that.  Sliding around corners on the cylinder head became my favorite game.  I finally gave it up when I met a VW Rabbit head on in a corner on a one way road in a city park in Pittsburgh.  I was going the right way.  He wasn't, not that it would have mattered.  We missed each other by a fraction of an inch, and my riding has been much tamer ever since.  But I digress...

Above: Jim Surgent with his flawless BMW R1200RT. Contrary to public opinion, "R" bike riders are not required to carry a commercial zeppelin pilot's license in on Federal roadways. The "R" bike is the iconic BMW machine.

The first new bike I ever owned was a 2011 BMW R1200RT.  I had a K75RT for 7 years. I bought it used with 21K miles on it and parted it out after getting rear ended in a low speed wreck in rush hour, with 125K miles on it.  I first rode the R1200RT in 2006.  I was torn between the "R" and the K1200GT, and the local BMW dealer had an open house where I was able to ride both.  I rode the "K" first.  It was fast as hell, stopped on a dime and gave you 9 cents change. It was even smoother than the K75, and was as comfy as a stock BMW seat gets.  But it had no soul.  

"Then I rode the "R."

It was slower, vibrated more, seemed heavier, but it spoke to me.  My old R75 bit the dust in the early 80's and while the new "R" was much different, it still had the same soul.  The analogy that will resonate with you is this:  Remember that one girl you had the crush on in high school?  Well imagine that you ran into her 30 years later, and she was even hotter and more attractive now that she was in school.  Even better, now she liked YOU!  That's how I felt about the new RT.  Life got in the way though, so it took a few years until I got it.  In any case, the reason I tell this last tale is to prime you for what's to come.  Imagine if you will, that YOU got to meet YOUR high school crush (the Kaw H2) 30 years later, and she's hotter than hell, and finally...SEXY.  I'm not involved with the project in any way, just ran across it and knew it would catch your eye.  I'll expect a blog about it soon :)

This photo was forwarded to me by Jim Surgent from http://www.asphaltandrubber.com/bikes/kwikasfaki/, where it was reportedly built by a rider named "Cabbie." It clearly demonstrates a hot new application for a screaming two-stroke engine. Please go to the above site to read this fascinating story, and to leave a comment.

Sincerely:
Jim Surgent
Cumming, GA. 30041

Dear Jim:

You are the fourth rider who has advised me that my life is incomplete if I just go out and get another “K” bike without first test-riding an “R.” I am impressed by the passion and devotion of “R” bike riders when they describe their motorcycles. To be sure, they qualify what it is they like about these machines, and never cite overwhelming mechanical prowess — like in an unfavorable comparison with a “K” bike — as if such a thing could happen. But while the “K” bikes are acknowledged to combine speed, brute force, and raw sensuality, the “R” machines are said to have pure soul  and untainted character.

Mark Frump ran me through the fine points (and options) of an R1200RT on the showroom floor of Hermy’s — the legendary BMW and Triumph dealer on Route 61 in Port Clinton, PA — and I was astounded with the fervor in which this accomplished rider described this machine. Like yourself, he mentioned the lower center of gravity, the lower weight factor, the less frenetic output of the engine, and the ease with which one of these bikes can be flown at 100 mph+, all day. And the options list included just about everything you’d find on a “K” bike.

"R1200RT" devotee Mark Frunp at Hermy's BMW and Triumph, Port Clinton, PA

I tend to listen when riders like you and Mark give a machine high marks. I have heard similar stories from others, but just assumed they were trying to suck me in to their part of the tar pit. I do intend to get another bike for next spring, but it has to be that ca be lowered. I don’t know if the “R” machines will fit that bill.

Your letter was of interest to me for three other reasons.

Reason One:
You used an analogy of finding the hot girl I might have had a crush on in high school, somany years ago, and discovering that she is even hotter now. Below you will find a picture of the hot girl I had a crush on in high school. She was a sizzler then and she is just as hot now. In your scenario, you mentioned things would be perfect if I could imagine that she liked me even more now. 

The girl I had a crush on in high school. She is still hot...  Pouty lips and all... And still thinks I'm a douche.

She thought I was a douche in high school and she thinks I must be an even bigger douche now. I recently asked her of three things that came to mind whenever my name is mentioned. She replied: The Johnstown Flood; syphilis; and legalized euthanasia. My chances of impressing her have not improved. 

Reason Two:
That is one hot motorcycle built around that Kawasaki engine. I loved the Kawasaki H2, despite its faults, which were legion. It is gratifying to see it has become a cult bike. 

The 1975 Kawasaki H2... The bike that spoke to me. It thought I was a douche too.

Reason Three:
You wrote: “Then I rode the ‘R.’ It was slower, vibrated more, seemed heavier, but it spoke to me.” I understand that. I have just written my first book about motorcycles, titled “Conversations With A Motorcycle.” Not only did my Kawasaki H2 speak to me, but I quoted it a lot. I have a great respect for riders who can hear the philosophy of their motorcycles. And by the way, thanks for ordering two copies of this book. 

The book for those who believe their motorcycle speaks to them.

Sincerely,
Jack Riepe


Dear Twisted Roads:

It is about time that someone exposed the BMW “R” bike for what it really is — a cursed time machine that only moves in one direction, savagely aging the rider by three or four years for every mile traveled. Here at the Wilmington Institute of Holistic Dry Cleaning And Higher Awareness (WIHDCHA), we surreptitiously followed a BMW “R” bike rider over a run of 400 miles and watched him age before our very eyes. The rider initially appeared to be about 60-years-old at the start of the ride, and could have passed for one of the original signers of the Declaration of Independence when he dismounted at the end of the day.

In the interest of maintaining scientific integrity, the subject was unnamed, but given the fictitious moniker of Breg Dickstein. Our researchers indicated the subject’s profile most likely would reveal he is a liberal, in favor of restricting unwarranted criticism of federal leaders, and an enthusiastic supporter of art films favoring woman-on-woman romance. In picture #1, he rode a 2001 BMW R1150R a distance of 125 miles. He dismounted relatively happy, consumed a laxative, and oozed enthusiasm for the rest of the ride.

Photo #1 — Breg Dickstein relatively unchanged after 125 miles on a BMW "R1150R"

Yet in picture #2, taken after only traveling 250 miles, the subject has aged 20 years, grown a beard, and now has the kind of look in his eyes usually found in turnpike toll collectors after 60 years of constant service. He was noticeably less social and communicated through a series of grunts and whistles.

Photo #2 — After a total of 250 miles on a BMW "R1150R", "Breg" Dickstein has gown a beard and his eyes have gone "Asian."

Photo 3 — Rider Dickstein showing the aging effect of the "R1150R, after 400 miles.

 Picture #3 clearly indicates a major transition has taken place. The rider dismounted and discharged a CO2 fire extinguisher onto the seat of his riding pants. His only comment was, “I’m tired of waiting for that fat fuck to catch up.” The rider seemed to be talking to himself, and answering back in a different voice.


Please feel free to publish this information in your blog as it may serve to prevent  injury or inconvenience to BMW “R” bike riders.

Sincerely,
Doctor Albert Hissingaz, PhD, NJ, and FU
Wilimington Institute


Dear Dr. Hissingaz, PhD, NJ and FU

Once again, the biker community has only to thank the Wilmington Institute For Holistic Dry Cleaning and Higher Awareness for its impeccable research and irrefutable conclusions. The transformation of “Breg Dickstein” has probably gone unnoticed for so long as most BMW riders with factory seats seem to dismount looking like the individual in photo #3.

Fondest regards,
The Twisted Roads Team




Want To Win A Numbered Edition Of 

Jack Riepe's New Book...

Compliments Of Dan Allen — Shango Rider!

Three lucky winners will receive hand-numbered, autographed, and personally inscribed copies of 

Conversations With A Motorcycle

 Plus find themselves published in 
Twisted Roads...

How to Win: Submit your funniest, or most tragic, or best story regarding a motorcycle intercom or bike-to-bike communications system to jack.riepe@gmail.com, by September 15, 2012. Please limit stories to 300 words or less. Please mark the subject line: Bike-To-Bike Communications Contest. All decisions of the judges are final. Void where prohibited. Three numbers on the list have been reserved for the contest.

And remember...

For The Best In Gerbings Gear And Motorcycle Communications Equipment That Is Far And Above The Rest...

And tell Dan (Shango Rider) that you appreciate his customer support! He never let's you down.

Dan Allen Advertises On Twisted Roads...
He makes this blog possible. 
Buy something from him!

To guarantee getting a numbered copy of Riepe's new book, buy one.  Click on the thumbnail cover in the column to the right.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2012