(Above) Ken Bruce and his signature smile roll into the staging area on a mighty BMW GS Adventure that has seen both coasts. He has an amazing ability to not get flustered over anything. Patti Minner, in Ken's shadow, is riding pillion. Picture by Joe Sestrich.“Happy Birthday,” said Kimi Bush to me, in her best Marilyn Monroe tone. She had just pulled up on her legendary pink F650GS, known as Tuff Cookie. Kimi has a smile like the bubbles in champagne. She popped open my top case to find me a bottle of water, and handed it to me, whispering, “Don’t fuck up this ride today, Slim.”
(Above) Kimi Bush and Patti Minner listen to the author with rapture. Yet Jay Scales, who rode down from Allentown, is masked with skepticism. Scales' expression clearly says, "Riepe is going to fuck this up today." In the background, Matt Piechota is demonstrating how he would conceal a gunshot wound to his shoulder. Photo by Joe Sestrich.Rob Haut was the only one who showed up in a cage. “My rig won’t be ready until tomorrow,” said Haut, “And I hate to miss this run, but I wanted to get here and say, ‘Hello’ before the start. Then he turned to me and said in a much lower voice, “Are you okay to ride? Because you don’t want to fuck up this run today.”
Matt Piechota slapped me on the back and said, “Happy Birthday. Did you know the guys are running a pool that you’re going to fuck up this ride today?”
Roddy Irwin was among the last to arrive. “I’m having battery trouble,” declared Irwin. “I brought an auxiliary system to get started but I don’t want anyone to stop with me if I breakdown enroute.” Irwin insisted I announce this to the group, and I did so, knowing full well that no one would leave him by the side of the road.
It was a like attending a family reunion in which you genuinely liked everyone who was there. As was to be expected, the predominant marque was BMW. And the majority of these were the incredibly popular and super-utilitarian-looking GS models, with their warehouse store-type side bins, capable of holding one or two tons of gear. There was one Harley in the Electra Glide style, one Honda Gold Wing, and one Honda Shadow. The setting looked like a SWAT-team convention, with everyone wearing the regulation Aerostitch leathers or ballistic riding gear. The only one in jeans was me. While there is nothing sexier than a woman in boots, tight jeans, and a halter top that can barely accommodate the contents, black ballistic gear shows a lady’s best qualities right down to her soul.
With kickstands up exactly at 10am, I led the first group out onto US-30 — The Lincoln Highway. The second contingent came out hot on our heels. A quarter of a mile up the road, I glanced into my rearview mirror and saw that line of headlights (and riding lights) disappear back toward the convex horizon, knowing that each brilliant ball of light was a friend of mine, who’d put their confidence in me for this goofy ride. (Joe Sestrich would shortly suggest to Brad Jacoby that the second contingent should pull over and create more of an interval between the two groups. There were 12 bikes following me and eight trailing behind.)
But I have to admit, there was a feeling of power at the head of this long line. As we stopped for the first traffic light, an old lady in car in the next lane rolled down her window and sweetly said to me, “Now don’t fuck up the ride today, Fatboy.”
And that was it... The curse was on me.
The stretch in Pennsylvania started in a strip mall, ran through some marginal fields, farms, and orchards, then plunged straight into Chester. This place is a city the same way that Jersey City, Queens, and the Loop Section of Chicago are cities: congested, tight, and devoid of the traditional qualities one associates with pastoral beauty. It is a community to those who live there, but many of the looks we drew were less than warm. In fact, the street-side tableaus are more in keeping with the sets of the silent film classic “Metropolis,” directed by Fritz Lang in 1927. We spent ten minutes in Chester, before crossing the Commodore Barry Bridge into New Jersey.
(Above) Mark Mehalik, riding in the second contingent, pulls over to widen the gap between the two groups. He is on a magnificent BMW K1200S.
(Above) Chris Jaccarino and Melinda Bonanni waiting for the line to surge forward again. Chris is riding a Honda Gold Wing. Photo by Joe Sestrich
The Delaware river is fully navigable by ocean-going vessels at the Commodore Barry Bridge, which is the fourth largest cantilever bridge in the world and the longest in the United States. Shooting up the long ramps is the closest thing to flying on a motorcycle. The roadway towers over a dozen industrial structures on the river’s edge, including some kind of sports complex currently under construction. I have a tendency to open the throttle and go like hell over bridges like this, but there was traffic and the cops ruthlessly monitor the speed on this crossing. Coming down the New Jersey side, one descends into a pleasant checkerboard of vegetable farms (incredible
tomatoes in the summer) and bedroom communities that lead all the way into Glassboro, a college town with a troubled history. In the recent past, there was a problem here with rapes and beatings of students from a criminal element in town. One student, a male about 18 years old, was beaten to death in broad daylight on the Rowan campus. (My daughter got her Masters degree here, and I lectured at two of her classes.)
(Above) The Commodore Barry Bridget, named for a local Revolutionary War Hero, spans the mighty Delaware River between Chester, Pa and Bridgeport, NJ. It is the longest cantilevered span in the United States. Photo from Wikipedia.Yet before we reached Mullica Hill, it was necessary to pull over a mile into the “Garden State” to pick up four other riders. It was here we met Tom and Kathy Mohn with their
ECOmobile, and ECO Dan, with his ECOmobile. (Kathy Mohn rode her Honda Shadow.) These are the only two machines of their kind in the United States. Running about $84,000 each, they are fully enclosed motorcycles (with BMW engines) that drop landing gear at each full stop. Leather interiors, air conditioning, heat, wipers, and defrosters are standard. We were also joined by Jim Sterling and Clyde Jacobs, mounted on more traditional Beemers. While pulled over here, we were passed by the second contingent, who rolled by flashing their lights and blowing their horns. We wouldn’t see them again for nearly 3 more hours — a sad development considering the whole ride should have taken 2.5 hours and we were already 45 minutes into it.
(Above) The rarest of birds — two ECOmobiles parked side-by-side — awaited us along with Clyde Jacobs and James Sterling III, a mile from the Commodore Barry Bridhe in New Jersey. Photo by Dick Bregstein.We turned south in pleasant Mullica Hill and headed for the part of New Jersey given over to farming and cranberry cultivation. It was my thought to provide the Mac Pac with an easy run through one of the prettiest sections of the state. It was a fantastic day for a motorcycle ride, with piercing sunlight and temperatures now in the mid-60s. In fact, it was getting downright hot in my solid black ballistic jacket when we’d stop for the occasional light. There were hundreds of motorcycles out and about. Actually, we passed dozens of Harley Davidson groups – parked at various coffee shops. They’d look up and wave, then stare dumbstruck at the two UFO’s following right behind me.
I have to tell the guileless reader that I took shameful advantage of this situation. Pretty women in cars, on street corners, and by the side of the road would wave at the two ECOmobiles, and try to take pictures with their cell phones. Naturally, I’d wave back, occasionally standing on my pegs and pointing to my crotch. I wonder how many of these cell phone shots actually have me in one of my classic poses. (I’m surprised I haven’t surfaced on You Tube yet.)
At one intersection, we passed a woman who I will cruelly refer to as "farkle ass." Her ass was approximately the same size as mine, and fashion-wise, that calls for nothing less obvious than a camouflage net. She was wearing skin-tight jeans, the ass of which was adorned with brass studs, chains, silver medalions, fancy stitching, and two illuminated panels which read "Pass" on the left and "Danger" on the right. There were numbers on her butt as well. There was speculation that these were either the weight restriction of the seams or a zip code.
The ride was going well enough, when I fucked up on a huge scale.
I am without a doubt the worst rider in the Mac-Pac, and leading a long column of experts makes my edgy. Plus the heat started to climb with each mile, and the sweat was bubbling out of my fall ballistic jacket. We were on US-40, looking for NJ-54, when I saw the sign for NJ-55. I panicked, wondering if I had read the map incorrectly. “Could there be two state highways right next to each other, numbered 55 and 54, both heading north?” I asked myself. I concluded not and lead the group onto NJ-55 North. And thus with one simple move, I gave the French kiss of death to our schedule and pleasant ride.
A divided four-lane highway, we shot up to 65 mph — and went right back to where we had started from — Glassboro, NJ. I threw in the towel at this point and asked Ken Bruce to take charge with the GPS. He did so with a laugh, and led us over to US-206. At one point, he stopped and asked me, “The GPS wants to take us on the Atlantic City Expressway. Does that sound right to you?” It was then I made the third mistake of the day. I said to Ken,”Is there another way?” There was, but the Atlantic City Expressway would have gotten us to US-206 in ten minutes. Ken took the local roads at my request. We plodded along for over 30 miles at under 40 miles per hour.
It was at this point that the medication I took at 6am started to fade. The pain ran from my knees to my balls, then up my back. I was gritting my teeth, but welcoming every chance to put my legs down. And then it hit 75º degrees. I began to radiate solar energy through my ass to the earth’s core. We hit the next-to-the-last outbound leg of the ride (NJ-70) with visible relief. This is a nice shaded run through the pine barrens and it is possible to occasionally tickle the speed limit. It was here that Clyde Jacobs waved me to the shoulder with the news that we had lost one of the ECOmobiles. We waited five minutes, when Corey Lyba yelled, “What are we waiting for?” The missing ECO Mobile was right behind him.
I used to love NJ-70. It runs through scrub pine forest, sanded clearings, little lakes, and cranberry bogs. Traffic was heavy this day, and we were crawling along at 50 mph, or five miles less than the speed limit. Sixty cars ahead of us, some asshole in one of those little boxy toy trucks was crawling along, with his eyes riveted to the pavement, which was otherwise clear to the horizon.
He was either a new driver or a total dope. There was a good possibility he was both.
In 20 minutes, he was passed by two cement mixers and a tractor-trailer. A S.Q.U.I.D (So Quick Until I Die) wove past us at the speed of light, and almost bought it when the "dope in the box" forced him into the other lane. (The SQUID was at fault.) It seemed like forever before it was our turn. Not once did it occur to this dope to pull over. Six motorcycles passed him at one shot and the guy never even swerved right to make it easier on any of us.
(Above) Dick Bregstein is in the lead as the last group of BMW riders pulls into the White Castle, in Toms River, New Jersey. That's Kathy Mohn hot on his tail, astride a Honda Shadow. Photo by Joe Sestrich.
(Above) Tom Mohn carefully noses the ECOMobile up to the author's ass to try and prevent Riepe from falling off the back of "Fireballs." Mohn put his machine at great risk here as conventional wisdom claims Riepe's ass isn't worth $84,000. Mohn said he wouldn't do it after Riepe had eaten a slider. On the sidewalk are Katherine Riepe, (the author's daughter), Jonathan Bryce, Ihor Sypko (author's friend for 40 years), Sarah Gaddis (the author's niece) and Eileen Riepe (the author's sister). Photo by Joe Sestrich.(Above) Kimi Bush's pink F650GS "Tuff Cookie" really stands out in a crowd. The bike was painted by her husband Corey Lyba. Brad Jacoby's Significant other, Jessie, on the left, with Chris Jaccarino, his Significant Other Melinda, and Joe Sestrich (in the gray sweatshirt). Photo by Erik Hoet. (Above) Katherine Riepe, the author's daughter, modeled the "Riepe Pit Crew" tee shirt in its debut presentation. She is seen here in a rare photo with her dad. Katherine went among the masses distributing White Castle cheeseburgers, hamburgers, and fries. Katherine looks like her mom and her Aunt Kate. Jack Weiss and Erik Hoet are in the background on the left. Kimi Bush is in the foreground (with her back to the camera). Photo by Don Eilenberger.
(Above) Mac Pac Rider Kimi Bush has the kind of smile that makes a guy wish he always had something clever to say. I told her that once. Her response was, "Peddle your bullshit walking, Pops." Photo by Joe Sestrich. (Above) Mac Pac Rider Chris Jaccarino, who made this trip with a left shoulder recovering from surgery, offers to steady "Fireballs," while the author prepares to make one of his highly entertaining dismounts. Jaccario claims he never gets any credit in this blog for being the first to suggest making a "step" for easier mounting; nor for bleeding the brakes on the previous bike (Blueballs), when an incompetent tire vendor split the calipers at a BMW Rally. "I'm tired of bailing out your fat ass and getting no recognition for it," said Jaccario. Chris Jaccario also once said to the author, "You and I will never ride together," in tribute to Riepe's level of riding skill. Since then, Riepe and Jaccarino have ridden together on several great occasions. The best was the "Great Centralia" ride, recounted in detail as a feature in the BMW MOA's monthly "Owner's News." Photo by Joe Erik Hoet.(Above) I got off the motorcycle without incident. I am looking at Harold Gantz, who is saying he has never seen anything quite like my dismount technique. I parked close to Gantz's bike and he gasped when I sort of did my falling dismount in its direction. To the far right of the picture is James A. Sterling III, who designed my portable step and chain. Photo by Erik Hoet.I took the lead again when we hit NJ-37 in Tom’s River. It was a short 6 miles to the White Castle. The last turn before the driveway was a bad New Jersey Dogleg. I made it with my right leg down (as it was now hurting to move either one). We rolled into the White Castle to cheers and whistles. The parking lot was swarming with motorcycles and everyone was clapping and laughing. I unzipped my jacket and two gallons of sweat poured out onto the ground, where it evaporated on the asphalt with a loud hiss.
Joining the Mac-Pac were 6 riders from the New Sweden BMW group, including Don Eilennberger, Harold Gantz, and Tony Luna (of Motorcycle Views). My daughter Katherine, my sister Eileen, my niece Sarah, and one of my oldest friends, Ihor Sypko, were also in attendance. Katherine was wearing a tee shirt that read, “Riepe’s Pit Crew... Fireballs... 1995 BMW K75.”
(Above) The line of bikes (all with tachs as OEM standard -- except for the Harley and the Honda) take the breath away from onlookers not used to Teutonic royalty. Jim Sterling III is in the foreground. Photo by Tony Luna. (Above) The Tom Mohn's ECOmobile brings the story of deep space to a New Jersey parking lot where any space is at a premium. For a an hour or two, the ECOmobiles were the most expensive and exotic vehicles in six New Jersey counties. Photo by Tony Luna.
(Above) ECO Dan's ECOmobile raised the property value of the White Castle in Toms River by a hefty sum while it was in the parking lot. The clean lines of the machine are part of its incredible appeal. Photo By Joe Sestrich.Never before has any White Castle ever seen such an eclectic collection of motorcycles. There was some of the fastest BMW’s ever made (Tony Luna got his up to 146 on a track). There were some of the most expensive (The Ecomobiles). Some extremely vintage machines (a Moto Guzzi from the New Sweden Group). And the ultra practical R1200GS’s which formed the majority. This was one of the rare occasions when the “R” bikes outnumbered the “K” machines. (There is no accounting for taste.) But beyond a shadow of a doubt, it was a red letter “Roundel” day. The line of riders ordering sliders ran through the restaurant, out the door, and into the parking lot. The manager of the place asked my sister what was going on. When she explained it was my birthday and that these guys had ridden in from all over, he replied, “We’re glad to have them. It was real slow here before.”
(Above) Corey Lyba, another BMW R1200 GS rider, questions the culinary significance of the White Castle Slider. Photo by Joe Sestrich
(Above) Matt Piechota waits to see if anyone will die from eating a slider before he removes his jacket. After this ride, he jumped on his BMW "R" bike and headed north to Brooklyn, NY. Photo by Joe Sestrich.(Above) Mac Pac Rider Mark Mehalik strikes a dramatic pose in front of the bike lineup. To the right in the background is Tony Luna. Photo by Joe Sestrich.
(Above) Veteran rider Joe Sestrich never visits a White Castle burger joint without bringing a roll of toilet paper and a jar of liquified frogs. Note the Velcro® fastening on Sestrich's left arm. The sleeve is cut to conceal a cast. Sestrich has had a cast, a bandage, or crutches for every riding season during the past three years. Photo by Roddy Irwin.
(Above) Brad Jacoby (left) and Significant Other, Jessie Moran, led the second contigent of BMW riders to the White Castle in Toms River, New Jersey, arriving 20 minutes before the first group, which got hopelessly lost under Riepe's Direction. Photo by Joe Sestrich(Above) Legendary arborist Roddy Irwin in front of his K75, which required a unique battery fortification system to start. Photo by Joe Sestrich(Above) This was Roddy Irwin's auxiliary charging system. Photo by Joe Sestrich.(Above) My White Castle Birthday Cake, compliments of Ihor Sypko. Photo by Ihor Sypko.I ordered 65 sliders, nine more than my age, and Katherine went among the crowd handing them out. (My kid is as hysterical as she is beautiful.) My niece was astounded. “Why would anyone have a birthday party in this place?” asked Sarah, looking around in amazement. (This was to imply that the White Castle was a real shithouse.)
“Your crazy Uncle would,” said my sister. “It has something to do with irony and sarcasm, two things which used to get the shit beaten out of him on a regular basis when he was your age.”
(Above) The author (BMW tee shirt), Clyde Jacobs (Red BMW tee shirt), and Dick Bregstein (Blue BMW tee shirt), listen to Ihor Sypko relate his dream of owning a BMW motorcycle and riding with us. Photo by Erik Hoet. (Above, from left) Ken Bruce, Jay Scales (red BMW tee shirt), and Corey Lyba discuss the author's major character flaws while planning mutiny against the ride captain. Photo by Erik Hoet.(Above) Second Time Slider Rider Don Eilenberger listens intently as the author describes how he got laid ten times in one night just because he rode a K75. The story was so good, the woman behind Don was listening in too. Photo by Erik Hoet.
(Above) Dick Bregstein was so impressed with this year's Slider Ride turn-out, that he announced a similar run to "Chuckie Cheese." Dick Bregstein is Jack Riepe's usual accomplice on most of his rides... Except for the year that Dick crashed and was replaced by one 25¢ call to Clyde Jacobs, who is on his left. Photo by Erik Hoet.And it was at that point that ECO Dan led every one in a chorus of the “Happy Birthday” song. I was almost moved to tears. Anyone would have been, if they had heard that noise. It was during the singing that I could see my niece saying those two words to herself, over and over again: Irony and Sarcasm.
(Above) The author displays the best condiment to have on hand when "slider" dining. (From left in the background) Kathy Mohn, Jonathan Bryce, ECO Dan, and Sarah Gaddis. Photo by Joe Sestrich.
(Above, left) Jonathan Bryce (who has just gotten his motorcycle endorsement), Eileen Riepe, and Ihor Sypko discuss the fact the the author has not turned up in any of the groups participating in the ride. Eileen Riepe (author's sister) is not surprised and is of the opinion the whole thing is a scam. Photo by Joe Sestrich.Joe Sestrich tried a slider and gagged. He told me that he is a texture person and that the texture of the beef, the bun, the onions, and the cheese of the White Castle slider were identical, giving it the consistency of hand-held mush. In fact, Sestrich wondered if someone else had eaten the burger before he got it. I heard no other complaints, though several participants limited their intake to two, fearing a vicious onset of the shits on the ride home. Let record show I ate 6, and drank a quart of Diet Coke. (I love White Castle sliders.)
(Above) Three riders of distinction: Doug Braley (red bandana), who rode up from the metropolis of Big Island, Virginia, the author (with cane), who rode 128 miles, and ECO Dan (brimmed hat), who rode up from North Carolina. Photo by Joe Sestrich. The air conditioning was running in the White Castle, and I found the coldest seat in the house. It had been my intention to tour the line of bikes outside and to shake the hand of every rider, but four hours in the saddle left my knees shaking. (You read that correctly: four hours of constant riding to cover 128 miles as the crow flies.) After an hour or so, many in the group were anxious to keep going. Braley and the boys were off to visit other friends in Freehold, NJ. Ken Bruce and company were eager to get back. Kimi Bush, Corey Lyba, Erik Hoet, and others were headed to the Seaside Heights (8 miles east), to have their pictures taken on the Atlantic Ocean.
(Above) Harold Gantz has one of the most beautiful BMW K75s in existance. Photo by Joe Sestrich. Bill Dudley III rode up from New Sweden on this beautiful (1971?) Moto Guzzi Ambassador 750. The word on the street is that he is working on some kind of improbable sidecar arrangement. Photo by Joe Sestrich.(Above) Here is a closer view of that beautiful Moto Guzzi 750 Ambassador, ridden by Bill Dudley III. Photo by Joe Sestrich.(Above) This is Tony Luna's red hot K1200R. He showed me his GPS recording 147mph on a nearby track. Tony and Don Eilenberger were named Grand Marshals of this event as they were the only riders who showed up for the first slider run. Photo by Tony Luna.
I was in no hurry to go. Rare are the occasions I get to chat with my sister, my niece, my daughter, and Ihor Sypko — let alone all together. (My sister was having difficulty believing this many sane people would turn out for something that I suggested.) The last riders to head out were Clyde Jacobs, Dick Bregstein, Harold Gantz, Don Eilenberger, Tony Luna, and myself. In fact, those guys all waited to see if I could get my ass on the seat without assistance. And they did so nonchalantly — holding hands in a circle, singing, “Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya.” My niece, Sarah, hid her face in her hands, quietly sobbing and whispering “This is my uncle.”
Some of the Slider Riders headed east to Seaside Heights and the Atlantic Ocean. I wanted to go with them very badly, but just wasn't up to it. I didn't have an extra 20 miles and another couple of dismounts in me. They made it to the boardwalk (please see my blog:
"Riding To The Ocean And Dancing With The Painted Whore," ) and basked in the sun.
(Above) With Casino Pier, Seaside Heights in the background, These Slider Riders get a taste of the real Jersey Shore. Picture by Erik Hoet.(Above) Where the sky meets the ocean and the sand beckons, (from left) Jay Scales, Matt Piechota, Kimi Bush, Corey Lyba, Brad Jacoby and Jessie Moran, Melinda Bonanni and Chris Jaccarino. Guys, I'd have given anything to have been in this picture. Photo by Erik Hoet.Now incredibly stiff, my legs did not loosen up on the ride home. There were two occasions where I was just able to get the right one off the peg at a stoplight. I was riding west with Bregstein and Clyde, and we were out to make tracks. There would be none of this “let’s look at the fucking trees and scenary” on the way home. I just wanted to get there. My two partners didn’t trust my sense of direction anymore either. They’d take turns pulling up at a light to ask, “Do you really know where we are?”
Our route cut across the northern end of the pine barrens, through the Russian village (no shit) at Cassville. The pain in my hip was so bad that I cut a strip off my belt to chew on as I rode. The boys followed me onto the shoulder just before Jackson, NJ, where I scarfed down a couple of pills with the last of warm water in my top case. I rested here for a full ten minutes as we were now to enter the interstates, and stopping would be out of the question.
We took I-195 to I-95 (the New Jersey Turnpike), and split up at Exit 6 for Pennsylvania. Clyde lives on the Delaware Border, and he went down to Exit 2 to cross at the Commodore Barry Bridge again. I was dehydrating badly and started to fall asleep on the motorcycle. There was that sensation of doing a 1000 miles per hour, yet the speedo read 58! I opened my faceshield to catch the wind, and it was hellishly hot, like from an oven.
“Wake the fuck up, and ride the motorcycle,” I said to myself.
Traffic was as thick as sludge and Bregstein was a mile ahead of me. I twisted the throttle with a vengeance and fought for a clear lane. I caught up to Dick less than 10 miles from my exit. He was doing 92 mph. All of my local trips seem to end the same way... With Bregstein tossing me a wave, hitting his horn, and peeling off to the left. This is how I am likely to remember some of the best days in my life. I pulled into the garage 20 minutes later, with the gas light glowing and the fuel pump squealing. I'd covered 228 miles.
My face hurt. It was sunburned under the clear face shield. I got off the machine with the jerky motion of a flesh-eating zombie from the original
“Night Of The Living Dead” flick. I forced myself to put this magnificent motorcycle on the center stand, and staggered into the kitchen. It was there I found a note on the table that read, “We’re having dinner at Monica’s tonight. Change your shirt and hurry over. Do not pretend you didn’t see this note. And don’t even think of not coming, or your shit is in the driveway. Love Stiffie.”
My scream could be heard three streets away... I buttoned my clean shirt with numb fingers, and crawled out to the Suburban, leaving a faint blood trail.
Author’s Note:This was one of the best Birthday’s I have ever had. I would like to extend my thanks to everyone who showed up to make this ride. A man has no concept of wealth unless he has friends — and I’m rich. Doug Braley, Bill Mauser, and Linus Johnson have a way of making you feel like a VIP. And I can think of no greater honor than to be escorted by the two ECO Mobiles of Tom Mohn and ECO Dan. I would also like to thank Brad Jacoby And Ken Bruce for their assistance on this run.
Everyone in my group deserves a medal for their patience. I’ll be better at this next year. Or not.