Monday, October 29, 2012

The Hurricane Got Nasty...

Dear Twisted Roads Readers:

The storm activity became noticeable around 2am today, as the wind started moan. Everything grew silent at 5am, as the wind and the rain stopped... And then it started with a vengeance. I am 15 miles from the ocean, but a scant 20 or 30 miles from where the hurricane is expected to make landfall. Wind gusts are expected to top 90 mph, but I am beyond the storm surge, I think.

The wind is a constant 50 to 65mph now and the rain is bullet-like. It sounds like a jet engine screaming over the roof.  The house is sound and tight. The utilities are taking a pounding, however, and the lights are flickering. Power is out all around me. The electricity is expected to go down by 7pm and may not be up for a while. Meaning days. Some utilities are claiming a week.

If I do not answer my email, it means I have no access to it. It means that charge is gone in my phone. I have food, water, gas to cook on, and the neighbor's lawn on which to take a dump. I have cigars and rum. I plan to mail another batch of books on Wednesday. Nothing is going to move tomorrow.

I'll post a update to this at 7pm tonight.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

This Quiz Could Save Your Life...

Do you live on the east coast? Are you prepared to deploy and sustain an extensive emergency program as a result of a catastrophic natural storm predicted for Monday, October 29, 2012? This simple quiz will help rate your preparedness for what could be the storm of the century. Senior meteorologists are predicting tidal surges as far inland as Flagstaff, Arizona, accompanied by winds capable of blowing sailors who are not actually on leave. Resulting power outages are likely to go unreported for weeks as residents find a certain calm and solitude in the absence of stupid campaign bullshit currently flooding television, radio, and internet information sources.

On Sunday, supermarkets across the northeast will resemble prison riots as people fight over the last three “D” batteries, the final gallon of milk, and the one remaining pair of Spanks in aisle “8,” in anticipation of life as we know it coming to an end. Millions of men and women who presently share the same house will rush to buy quarts of gin, vodka, and rum to get through 24 hours together, without the escape of the internet, e-mail, “Dancing With The Stars,” or porn. In one house, a frantic spousal unit waved a book in the air, yelling, “How do you reboot this fucking thing?”

One family planned to get through the crisis by simply going to a different restaurant each night for dinner. When told the restaurants would probably be closed, the husband and father of three football players broke into tears and wailed “We’ll starve without the microwave.” He collapsed against the eight-burner, gas grill in the yard. One woman, a blond, remembered the last power failure, and how she sat in her car for three days, waiting for the traffic light on the corner to resume.

Houses with pumps for the well may discover a shortage of water for drinking and flushing the toilet. When told she could fill the tub with water for flushing the toilet, one individual — an elected official — stated, “Things would have to be pretty bad for me to start shitting in the bathtub. I can get by shitting on my constituents for at least a month.” She claimed her husband used to piss in the kitchen sink, but it was eventually easier for him to lift the seat in the bathroom than it was to remember to put the dishes in the drainboard.

Democrats and Republicans blamed the weather on each other. According to the Liberals, the storm is the result of rich scumbags not spending an extra 50 cents on sunshine and fleecy clouds. (Amazingly enough, there is not one rich Liberal in the United States.) Conservatives believe that Liberals have given away the sunny weather in exchange for a better interest rate from China. Many in both parties agree that no debate moderator should be named “Candy” if she has a face like a sack full of jowls.

Please take the following quiz to gauge your level of emergency preparedness:

1) Would you be able to find the best bottles of wine in your cellar, if you had to grope around for them in the dark?
A) Yes...
B) No...

2) Assuming you found the wine and drank it with a lover by flickering candle-light, would you:
A) use the last two good “D” batteries in the house for the flashlight;  or
B) use them to power up that amazing sex toy?

3) There is one cup of milk left in the house and a crying baby in the next room. Would you:
A) pour the milk into the baby’s bottle; or
B) Make a pot of coffee on the gas grill and get the kid used to the taste of quality Java?

4) The wind is raging outdoors and your mother-in-law is wrapped around a tree, about 30 yards from the back door. Would you:
A) Send your wife out to tell her to shut up;
B) Comfort your wife with the knowledge  that you used quality rope and competent knots in tying the old bitch to the tree?

5) The storm has released a killer virus into the atmosphere and you are hiding in the basement for the third consecutive week. Food is running low. Would you eat:
A) The dog; or
B) The cute redhead from next door?

6) The water is rising and dry floorspace is becoming scarce. You can either save your Harley or your BMW. Would you:
A) Save the Harley so you can get laid in the future...
B) Save the BMW so you can get laid by someone younger than 72 in the future.
C) Push your wife’s piano out into the rain and save both.
D)) Save the Goldwing because it has been years since you've been laid.

7) Raging floodwaters force you to make a decision. Would you save:
A) The cardiologist
B) The tree surgeon
C) The engineer
D) The bell-maker
E) The septic system specialist
F) Bregstein (My riding partner)
G) That cute brunette who moved to Philly
H) The motorcycle mechanic (Remember, the right answer sometimes hurts.)

8) Civilization is about to be swept away. You have a choice of one book to read. Would it be:
A) The BMW “R” Bike shop manual
B) “Your Prostate And You”
C) “The Biggest Dick I Ever Rode With...”
D) “Conversations With A Motorcycle”

The correct answers are:
1) A
2) B (The amazing sex toy lights up as well as undulates)
3) B
4) 2 Bonus points for A, Triple zipple points for B
5) B
6) B is more right, but the others work too.
7) The answer is "H"
8) The answer is "D," because this book is great. It makes riders remember, and it makes pillion candy dream.

This Book Could Save Your Personality....

An autobiographical novel, Conversations With A Motorcycle details the first two years in the saddle for writer, humorist, and target of feminine venom Jack Riepe. It is the story of a starry-eyed adolescent's descent into the moto-maelstrom of depravity, as he trades the transparent values of his upbringing in Jersey City, for the promise of beer-scented romance in the gutter. 

And quite frankly, the gutter was a bit ambitious for him most times. 

Riepe leaves nothing out in this account of emotional survival and glorious surrender. Unlike his other works, this one reeks of honesty, or something. It is packed with soul-searching astride a Japanese street-screamer, colored by the cold tint of women's sneers, against the backdrop of the toughest city in New Jersey — in 1975. Riepe is routinely beaten and left for dead at the curb, and that is by the women he desires. Yet in the end... Well, look at him now.

194- Pages... 21 Chapters... 
Wrapped in a cover as soft as motorcycle glove leather... 
On pages that suggest you turn them in bed.

Your squeeze will demand you read it aloud... but in an occasional whisper.

 $20 Autographed To You, Or To Someone You're Trying To Impress...  $5 S&H... Quantities Are Limited Between Now and Christmas... Autographed books take two weeks to process.

The Months of Waiting Are Finally Over... Copies Are Shipping Now... But some folks have been waiting since July!

To Order: 
• Email your name, address, and telephone number to: 

• Put "New Book Order" in the Subject Line.