Saturday, October 27, 2012

This Quiz Could Save Your Life...

Do you live on the east coast? Are you prepared to deploy and sustain an extensive emergency program as a result of a catastrophic natural storm predicted for Monday, October 29, 2012? This simple quiz will help rate your preparedness for what could be the storm of the century. Senior meteorologists are predicting tidal surges as far inland as Flagstaff, Arizona, accompanied by winds capable of blowing sailors who are not actually on leave. Resulting power outages are likely to go unreported for weeks as residents find a certain calm and solitude in the absence of stupid campaign bullshit currently flooding television, radio, and internet information sources.

On Sunday, supermarkets across the northeast will resemble prison riots as people fight over the last three “D” batteries, the final gallon of milk, and the one remaining pair of Spanks in aisle “8,” in anticipation of life as we know it coming to an end. Millions of men and women who presently share the same house will rush to buy quarts of gin, vodka, and rum to get through 24 hours together, without the escape of the internet, e-mail, “Dancing With The Stars,” or porn. In one house, a frantic spousal unit waved a book in the air, yelling, “How do you reboot this fucking thing?”

One family planned to get through the crisis by simply going to a different restaurant each night for dinner. When told the restaurants would probably be closed, the husband and father of three football players broke into tears and wailed “We’ll starve without the microwave.” He collapsed against the eight-burner, gas grill in the yard. One woman, a blond, remembered the last power failure, and how she sat in her car for three days, waiting for the traffic light on the corner to resume.

Houses with pumps for the well may discover a shortage of water for drinking and flushing the toilet. When told she could fill the tub with water for flushing the toilet, one individual — an elected official — stated, “Things would have to be pretty bad for me to start shitting in the bathtub. I can get by shitting on my constituents for at least a month.” She claimed her husband used to piss in the kitchen sink, but it was eventually easier for him to lift the seat in the bathroom than it was to remember to put the dishes in the drainboard.

Democrats and Republicans blamed the weather on each other. According to the Liberals, the storm is the result of rich scumbags not spending an extra 50 cents on sunshine and fleecy clouds. (Amazingly enough, there is not one rich Liberal in the United States.) Conservatives believe that Liberals have given away the sunny weather in exchange for a better interest rate from China. Many in both parties agree that no debate moderator should be named “Candy” if she has a face like a sack full of jowls.

Please take the following quiz to gauge your level of emergency preparedness:

1) Would you be able to find the best bottles of wine in your cellar, if you had to grope around for them in the dark?
A) Yes...
B) No...

2) Assuming you found the wine and drank it with a lover by flickering candle-light, would you:
A) use the last two good “D” batteries in the house for the flashlight;  or
B) use them to power up that amazing sex toy?

3) There is one cup of milk left in the house and a crying baby in the next room. Would you:
A) pour the milk into the baby’s bottle; or
B) Make a pot of coffee on the gas grill and get the kid used to the taste of quality Java?

4) The wind is raging outdoors and your mother-in-law is wrapped around a tree, about 30 yards from the back door. Would you:
A) Send your wife out to tell her to shut up;
B) Comfort your wife with the knowledge  that you used quality rope and competent knots in tying the old bitch to the tree?

5) The storm has released a killer virus into the atmosphere and you are hiding in the basement for the third consecutive week. Food is running low. Would you eat:
A) The dog; or
B) The cute redhead from next door?

6) The water is rising and dry floorspace is becoming scarce. You can either save your Harley or your BMW. Would you:
A) Save the Harley so you can get laid in the future...
B) Save the BMW so you can get laid by someone younger than 72 in the future.
C) Push your wife’s piano out into the rain and save both.
D)) Save the Goldwing because it has been years since you've been laid.

7) Raging floodwaters force you to make a decision. Would you save:
A) The cardiologist
B) The tree surgeon
C) The engineer
D) The bell-maker
E) The septic system specialist
F) Bregstein (My riding partner)
G) That cute brunette who moved to Philly
H) The motorcycle mechanic (Remember, the right answer sometimes hurts.)

8) Civilization is about to be swept away. You have a choice of one book to read. Would it be:
A) The BMW “R” Bike shop manual
B) “Your Prostate And You”
C) “The Biggest Dick I Ever Rode With...”
D) “Conversations With A Motorcycle”

The correct answers are:
1) A
2) B (The amazing sex toy lights up as well as undulates)
3) B
4) 2 Bonus points for A, Triple zipple points for B
5) B
6) B is more right, but the others work too.
7) The answer is "H"
8) The answer is "D," because this book is great. It makes riders remember, and it makes pillion candy dream.

This Book Could Save Your Personality....

An autobiographical novel, Conversations With A Motorcycle details the first two years in the saddle for writer, humorist, and target of feminine venom Jack Riepe. It is the story of a starry-eyed adolescent's descent into the moto-maelstrom of depravity, as he trades the transparent values of his upbringing in Jersey City, for the promise of beer-scented romance in the gutter. 

And quite frankly, the gutter was a bit ambitious for him most times. 

Riepe leaves nothing out in this account of emotional survival and glorious surrender. Unlike his other works, this one reeks of honesty, or something. It is packed with soul-searching astride a Japanese street-screamer, colored by the cold tint of women's sneers, against the backdrop of the toughest city in New Jersey — in 1975. Riepe is routinely beaten and left for dead at the curb, and that is by the women he desires. Yet in the end... Well, look at him now.

194- Pages... 21 Chapters... 
Wrapped in a cover as soft as motorcycle glove leather... 
On pages that suggest you turn them in bed.

Your squeeze will demand you read it aloud... but in an occasional whisper.

 $20 Autographed To You, Or To Someone You're Trying To Impress...  $5 S&H... Quantities Are Limited Between Now and Christmas... Autographed books take two weeks to process.

The Months of Waiting Are Finally Over... Copies Are Shipping Now... But some folks have been waiting since July!

To Order: 
• Email your name, address, and telephone number to: 

• Put "New Book Order" in the Subject Line. 


redlegsrides said...

Great quiz and recap of the expected reactions by the east coast sheeple in the face of the oncoming storm du jour.

Troubling though, I happened to agree with you on damn near every answer on the quiz....very troubling.


Redleg's Rides

Colorado Motorcycle Travel Examiner

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Charlie6 (Dom):

Great minds think alike. My books have been hitting all over this weekend. The results have been somewhat amazing. !00 riders turned out to meet me at a joint. It was staggering. By the way, your fresh copy was sent this week. Dozens of books were sent out. I was limited by the number I could sign with these arthritic hands.

Fondest regards,

Ken said...

Great article, it reminded me to put some toilet paper by the bath tub.
I passed the quiz on the third try.
You should be the FEMA Tzar!

Roger said...

i serched high and low in the local book store, actually spent over two hours in the porn section trying to find this, but to no avai. I fear that this great classic has yet to arrive in kiwiland..or is held up in immigration as a banned substance.

When i come to the states at xmas that may be my time to buy one and smuggle it back in.

RichardM said...

Maybe Ken has you figured out and you ARE the Grand Poo-bah of FEMA! That's why you are keeping such a low profile...

Canajun said...

Jack - I'm surprised your normally astute readers (both of them) didn't pick up on the date. Monday is October 29. November 1 is Thursday.
And watch out for that tidal surge on Monday, or Thursday, or ....

Nikos said...


Chainsaw said...

Two Thumbs up, Jack!
(Damned CAPTCHA)

Conchscooter said...

Someone asked me the other day what we do in a hurricane in Key West. I had to explain gently we mostly sit around on the beach and watch in bemusement as New England gets wiped out one more time..

If I were a Fascist I would be grumbling about my precious tax dollars being wasted on the idolaters Up North and their wasted work days, but I'm a socialist so I limit myself to just saying "you're welcome!" and get back to working on my tan.

Bruce said...

Dear Jack
How much if you DON'T autograph it?

JUST as Twisted

Ps. This stupid" not a robot shit "could be another column. 10 tries figuring out the Heiroglyphics

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Ken:

I didn't realize how much confusion the bathtub reference would create. But please use the tubful of water in the manner which works best for you.

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads and for taking the Hurricane Sandy survival quiz.

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Roger:

You will find copies of "Conversations With A Motorcycle" in the philosophy section, between Aristotle and Catullus. The postage for mailing one of these to Australia is about $21,854 (USD). But I appreciate your effort.

Thank you for taking the survival quiz.I hope it gives you the edge during the next typhoon.

Fondest regards,

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Richard M.:

I am the person the authorities truly hate in the face of unruly weather. If I had my legs about me tonight,I'd have driven to the ocean to watch it meet the bay on one of New Jersey's barrier islands. (I am the guy who takes the 4x4 out when the snow is 28 inches deep, just to see how the neighborhood fared.

Things seemed a bit overstated here (15 miles from the coast), until 10 minutes ago. The rain hit the house with a vengeance and the wind has acquired a sustained complaint. Something is banging against the back of the house. I hope it isn't a lingerie model attempting to get in. Dawn will be in 3.5 hours, and I will go out to see what is what.

By the way... Thank you for buying a copy of my book. I mailed it off to you yesterday. Your purchase supports this blog and my other projects. I am especially proud of the moto-book though. It is my first shot at real literature. The delays of this past summer had me crazy.

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Canajun:

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads and for nit-picking its factual content into oblivion. Do you have any idea how much I have to drink to write stuff like this? The answer is "A lot." Do you know how hard it is for me to keep track of the day, let alone the week, when I have to worry about hammerhead sharks crashing in through the windows here?

Nevertheless, I made the correction as you suggested. That's the kind of person I am.

Thanks for reading my crap for its factual content. You may be the only one. (Nice shot about "both" readers too.)

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Nikos:

It's too late for that. I am now reduced to drinking water out of the toilet and boiling old shoes for a coffee substitute.

Thank you for your well-intentioned, but extremely short-sighted, advice in the face of this adversity.

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Chainsaw:

I am delighted you laughed. Welcome to Twisted Roads, the biker blog dedicated to pure moto data. Please come back often... And bring a few signle friends, who are hot brunettes with experience in tuning up BMW K bikes.

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Conchscooter:

The lights have begun to flicker here and I can hear screams from the street, where displaced hammerhead sharks are feeding on the confused populace. I made the mistake of limiting my survival resources to rum. Run and hot chocolate tastes like shit.

Tomorrow, I will rummage through abandoned homes for heavy cream, creme de cocoa, donuts, Bavarian chocolate cake, and vitamins.

Michael, thank you for purchasing my book, and attempting to get it distributed to kindergarten classes throughout the Keys. I thought your argument that these milk-toast kids had to grow up sometime was extremely valid and insightful.

Your comments on Twisted Roads always reflect the depth one can expect to find from literate individuals who raise lizards and breadfruit in their front yard.

Fondest regard,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Bruce:

I suspect this is my old pal Bruce Fenski — my boyhood chum from highs school. Bruce, do you remember stenciling the word "douche" in reverse on my seatback so it imprinted my suitjacket on the night of the big dance?

I do.

I still have that jacket. By accident, I wore it to a meeting with my publisher last week. We had lunch at a sidewalk cafe, and she got cold. Naturally, I offered her my jacket.

Guess how that afternoon went?

Fondest regards,

Gary said...

Dear Jack,

For God's sake man, sacrifice yourself if necessary, but keep your new motobooks dry ! (especially my #54)

Funny how in every big storm, people run out for milk, bread and eggs. Must be French Toast hysteria.

15 miles is pretty close to the Atlantic. Hope you stay safe and dry.

Cheers from sunny but cool Arkansas.

Dan Mckenzie said...

Lookng forward to the motorcycle book. You got my order right? I sent it in a few months ago.

I like being in the center of the country, far from any hurricanes!!! There are these pesky tornadoes though, and the blizzards...

Jack Riepe said...

Dan ...cannot find your info without my computer. Send your phone number to my gmail. No elecrtricity in sight.