Thursday, March 29, 2012

Pulling The Ton... Then And Now!

The motorcycle between my legs had three more horsepower than my first car, which was a 1968 Volkswagen Beetle. I could get the Beetle up to 70 miles per hour, even with three of my friends in the car, provided I had the time and a tailwind. On the motorcycle, I could hit 70 miles per hour within 100 yards of the driveway. I was doing 70 mph as I flew over the connecting ramp from US-46 onto I-80, in the vicinity of New Jersey’s first shopping palace — the Willowbrook Mall.

It was a warm, hazy June morning in 1975.

My introduction to the great federal highway system, constructed under the defense budget in the administration of President Dwight D. Eisenhower, was the stretch of Interstate 80 (I-80), from Wayne, NJ to the Delaware Water Gap (on the Pennsylvania border). It was six to eight lanes wide, with great shoulders, sweeping curves, cool changes in elevation, and flawless pavement. Traffic in New Jersey had yet to reach the maximum carrying capacity of this roadway, and wouldn’t for another 9 years

Technically speaking, I could have ridden this pavement from Wayne, NJ to the Pacific Ocean. It was my idea of an America AutoBahn and represented one of the last great civil engineering accomplishments of the US, built at a time when this country could do anything better than anybody else.

The best aspects about this stretch of I-80 were the long, straight sections that ran for a few miles at a time. (One of the provisions of the Interstate Highway System was that one mile in every four of the roadway was supposed to be able to accommodate the landings and take-offs of military aircraft.) This made it possible to clearly identify the white cruisers of the New Jersey State Police sitting on the broad, green medians.

The feeder ramp coming off US-46 was an abortion from the moment of its design. You came off US-46 from the right only to find yourself in the left half of the ramp, merging with exiting traffic from I-80 on the right, then dancing around vehicles bound for NJState Route-23. There were two lanes of traffic routed for westbound I-80, which then merged into one, before pouring onto the “super highway.” I passed through all this in about 4 seconds, glancing over my left shoulder as I signaled to enter the interstate, now on my left.

My dad taught me to drive when I was 16-years-old. He had all the patience of a B-17 check pilot on a bombing run over Dresden. A chief officer on the Jersey City Fire Department, he insisted you did things his way.

“After confirming you can enter the roadway, make sure you are going the same speed or faster than the traffic on the highway,” said my dad. “The last thing you want to do is cause a line of cars, or worse, trucks, to slam on their brakes to avoid hitting you. You can slow down when you’re in a safe position.”

“Thanks for the advice, Pop,” I muttered into my helmet. Actually, I muttered it into the wind. The helmet was an open-faced, minimal protection brain-bucket. My eyes were wrapped in a pair of yellow-tinted ski-goggles.

Then I twisted the throttle an inch.

The motorcycle was a 1975 Kawasaki H2 that I have written about before. I have described this machine as one of the most primitive motorcycles ever built, and I wasn’t lying. But in 1975, it’s sole disk brake in the front was much better than most of the drum bakes that were still quite common then; and its three cylinder, two stroke motor always started easily (unless the plugs were fouled), and nearly all of the bike’s muscle was on the high-end of the tach.

The bike responded to twisting the throttle like a lynx might have reacted to getting its tail pulled. It surged forward with a growl from its mechanical soul... (That’s bullshit. Each cylinder in that Kawasaki’s three-cylinder motor hated the other two. There was a sudden lurch of forward motion as gasoline and oil exploded in a free-for-all eruption of power, six inches beneath the gas tank. The bike had its own peculiar sound, which I have described as a lawnmower that got kicked in the balls. That’s not really true either. It sounded more like a large outboard motor running in a lake of air.)

I merged onto I-80 and held the throttle open in a very loose interpretation of my dad’s instructions. The speedo read 88mph and continued to climb. I glanced into the mirror on the left to see if I was leaving a smoke screen. The image in the left mirror was that of blurred traffic behind me, getting smaller as the convex mirror got farther away. If the engine was smoking (which it did at any sudden influx of throttle), it had already stopped. (It seldom smoked when really hot.)

The front wheel felt light at 98mph, and I crouched closer to the gas tank to get more of my upper body out of the wind. I was now moving faster than I had ever pushed a vehicle before, and realized I still had a half inch to go on the throttle.

“This is why we’re here today,” I said to myself, twisting the right grip to the stop.

The speedo was now reading 104mph and continued to climb, but with less drama. I was entering a gentle curve, just before Parsippany, yet the front wheel still felt quashy. I hit the front brake with a light touch to see if I could settle a bit on the forks, and nearly pissed myself with the shudder that ran through the machine. I had no problem negotiating the sweeper, but covered the entire width of the middle lane instead of staying in track.

I began backing down at 107mph — for several reasons.
There was no windshield on this bike and I found the wind hellish. It was whipping my jacket into a frenzy, and I found it pushing back against the edges of my open face helmet.
I got spooked by the lightness of the front wheel at this speed.
A fucking bumble bee the size of a softball hit me on the cheek and I thought I had been shot in the face.

I slowed to get off at the next exit, with the intent of getting coffee someplace on US-46 (which runs parallel to I-80 at that point), and a New Jersey State Trooper rocketed past me. “Fuck you, Bullwinkle,” I said to myself. The Kawasaki H2 ran best at 80-85 mph, when all three cylinders found themselves in agreement. There was still plenty of “ooomph” to pull away from the pack, and life was plenty exciting at that speed.

A speed of 107mph was very respectable performance for a stock motorcycle, 6 weeks out of the showroom in 1975. It would be nothing today. But I had nothing to compare it with in those years, except my friend’s Norton Commando. (And the Kawasaki had no problem puling away from the Norton.) At the risk of being judged a pussy at 18-years-old, I must confess to the gentle Twisted Roads reader that I did not push the H2 to that degree again.


Twenty-Nine Years Later.........................................

I was headed south to Maggie Valley, NC from West Chester, PA — for a great event called the BuRP Rally — and my ride was a 1986 BMW K75, with a rare Sprint Fairing. The K75 holds a special status among BMW-riding “K” bike enthusiasts for having the most trouble-free, bullet-proof, absolutely minimal vibration (none) motor in an overall visual package that can best be described as “uninspiring.”

I have written about this at length.

In my humble opinion, without the addition of the Sprint Fairing, the Krauser Fairing, or the Parabellum “Scout” Fairing, the K75 is one of the ugliest motorcycles the world has ever seen. The early design had a really douchy square headlight . (Motorcycles should have round headlights.) The exception to this rule is the priceless, two-wheeled art work owned by Harold Gantz (of New Jersey), which is just stunning. The K75 design (even modified) is truly an acquired taste. Yet riding one of these machines for about 250 feet is all the acquiring a discerning rider requires. The K75 is one of motorcyclings best-kept secrets.

The BuRP Rally was to be my first motorcycle event in which I would be meeting and riding with 50 or 60 riders (all new acquaintances on various marques), over the mythical Blue Ridge Parkway, and staying in a resort area that is known for some of the best riding in the country... But it had been over 20 years since I had taken a long trip by motorcycle.

And I got spooked.

This was long before my membership in the Mac-Pac (the premier charted BMW riding club serving southeastern Pennsylvania), and the thought of riding most of this distance alone (which didn’t happen) suddenly became very unappealing. I had arthritis in both knees and longish trips (100 miles) got painful. I had never been over most of the roads I’d be taking. The uncertainty factors of hitting a deer, getting hit by lightning, running off the road, or being eaten by pythons were running wild in my mind. I had already vowed not to ride on Interstates, not to ride in the dark, not to ride in the rain, and not to go fast. The woman I was living with at the time said, “So why not just sell the bike? Then you can also cut off your dick and feed it to feral cats.” (She was free with highly supportive advice like this.)

The imagined horrors of this delightful run preyed on my mind so badly, that I left four hours late. A dent of this significance in my schedule required me to take an Interstate to make up for lost time, and I reluctantly headed west on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. This was the first time I had ridden an Interstate on a motorcycle since 1979. (It should be noted that I was a re-entry rider after a 25-year absence.)

I got into the right lane without being killed and drew a long breath. Glancing down at the speedo, I noted I was clipping along at 67 mph, which was the world’s speed record set by a locomotive in 1869. Twenty minutes later, I was behind a long line of trucks and still in the same county I’d started in.

My K75 was already 20-years-old that year, though with only 38,000 miles on a motor designed to run to 150,000 (before needing a valve adjustment), it was judged to be barely past “break-in.” I was told I could safely ride it like it was “brand new.”

“Fuck this shit,” I thought. “I’d rather be dead than ride like this another 50 feet.”

In the motorcycle safety class, they teach you to get around a truck pronto, rather than linger in the “No Zone,” where the driver can’t see you. This “No Zone” was 15 trucks long.

I pulled in the clutch, raised the RPM, and down-shifted into fourth gear. The K75’s engine actually snarled and the distance between me and the last truck in the conga line dramatically dropped. Glancing left, I shifted back into fifth and opened that old sucker up. I would like to say it dematerialized into hyper-space — like the Millennium Falcon of Star Wars fame — but that would be a lie and you’d know it. The K75 weighed substantially more than the H2 and had the same horsepower, about 71.

What the bike did was steadily pull ahead without any compromise in its stance on the road. At 88 mph, the front wheel was planted in its track like an oak tree. Gentle input to the handlebars tilted this thing like an amusement park ride on tracks. I shot past the lead truck at 95 mph, as the driver looked down and laughed.

Holding the throttle steady, the speedo eclipsed 100 mph and insinuated its way upward. I was astounded at how steady the bike felt. Shifting my ass around on the seat had no effect on its forward trajectory. I hit a slight bump at 107 mph, and caught about 1/4 inch of air. I could see reasonably far behind me, as neither of my rear-view mirrors had the slightest tremble. Neither did the grips nor pegs transmit anything but the true language of the road’s surface. The “Sprint Fairing” did a great job of cutting the wind, and my Joe Rocket Mesh Riding Gear did not flap or whip around. The windscreen went from crystal to opaque as hundreds of bugs added their carcasses to the plexiglas. The Nolan flip-face helmet neither caught the wind nor amplified it.

The tach was holding steady at a little over 7 grand, and I backed down to a even 100 mph.

“What the fuck were you afraid of?” I asked myself? “This is better than the first time you got your horn honked.”

What I should have been afraid of was getting shot by a firing squad of Pennsylvania State Troopers. I realized that this motorcycle was fully capable of running at 100 mph all day, and taking it in stride. And I realized that more than anything else, I wanted to ride at 100 mph all day.

Reluctantly, I slowed to 75, and felt like I was getting gypped. After going like hell, 75 mph seemed like reverse. Within 24 hours, I would ride in the dark... I would ride in the rain... I would dodge deer... I would fight off a python named “Fred” (a pole dancer in a strip joint sicced it on me)... And I would look forward to the stretches of road on which I could stampede all 71 horses of that K75.

The Kawasaki H2 did not encourage high-speed trolling in anything other than a straight line. You could pick up the front wheel by sneezing. Built 11 years later, the BMW K75 sneered at 100 mph. While that speed was close to bike’s prime output, it would do it without hesitation, and hold it while whistling a tune. Now just about every bike built from 1986 to 1995 will hit and hold 100 mph. But damn few can do it with such elan. Riding buddy Dick Bregstein and I would regularly venture into “three digit” territory, and I miss that thrill.

I look forward to my first BMW K1200. I want to know what 130 mph feels like, just before I'm checked into a country jail.

A Rider’s Light Dims... Godspeed Mack Harrell

It is with sadness that I write of the passing of Mack Harrell, a rider of unique and strong character. Karen, his wife, wrote to me yesterday with the news that Mack had died peacefully in his sleep, on March 28th, finally yielding to Parkinson’s Disease, which had ended his riding career three years ago.

Above: Mack Harrell at the State Line Lookout, Palisades Interstate Park, January 1, 2008

I first met Mack, and then his wife, through a rider’s forum conducted by About.com in 2005. Mack was one of the first riders to respond my “Annual Amish Horsepile Swerve Ride,” and then joined me on a number of other runs. Most notable was “My Return To Jersey City,” in which we met at Exchange Place, on the waterfront. We then rode up through Palisades Interstate Parkway. Details of that ride can be found here.

Above: Mack Harrell astride "The Queen," in view of the World Trade Center Site from Exchange Place, NJ. It was freezing cold that day, and Mack was idling the engine to run the heated gear.

I vividly remember two other runs with Mack: one through Gettysburg and another through rural Pennsylvania, just this side of Chambersburg. In each case, he was riding a super-powerful Japanese liter bike, and made it jump through hoops. He focused on the road when riding, and on the road entirely. On one ride past Dover Air Force Base, we shot by the remains of crashed C147. This plane was a lot bigger than a Boeing 747, and sat off in a field in two pieces, each the size of an apartment house.

Stopping for a break five miles up the road, I said to Mack, “That must have been some plane crash, huh?”

Mack looked at me, blinked, and said, “What plane crash? What are you talking about?”

He rode a yellow and black GS, named “The Queen Bee.” Mack's wife, Karen, frequently rode pillion and joined us for the famous Haggis Run, one cold November.

Godspeed, Mack. I'm sure all Twisted Roads readers, both those who knew Mack in person, and those who rode with him in story, join me in extending my condolences to his wife, Karen.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2012
All rights reserved





Monday, March 26, 2012

Dispatches From The Front...

The "Dispatches From The Front" section of Twisted Roads provides a forum for our readers to ask questions about motorcycle-riding technique, mechanical issues, relationship-building, science, politics, heated gear, and chocolate chip cookies for sexual barter. No subject is too delicate. Twisted Roads' staff are not licensed professionals, but many have library cards.


Dear Dispatches From The Front:

Nobody outside of a strange and warped BMW riding community has seen Jack Riepe since he disappeared to the New Jersey shore last October. Riepe appeared once as a semi-serious public speaker and then disappeared again. Yet unsuspecting Twisted Roads readers are suddenly confronted with stories of a “Heated Gear” distributor, working bike rallies out of an RV (allegedly appointed like the palace of a mogul), who carries on with unabashed shenanigans that allegedly attract and ultimately despoil easily-duped women.

Does anyone else find this odd?

Has anyone ever seen Jack Riepe (code name: Magic Man) and Dan Allen (code name: Shango Rider) together, in the same room? The answer to the question is apparently “no.” Yet both have white hair. Both wear glasses. Both have adored dark blue motorcycles. Both ride BMWs. Both have filtered coffee through the left cup of a 34 “b” brassiere. Both are hated and despised by gentle women everywhere. And both stutter like machine guns when asked the question, “Has my wife been in here today?”

There is ample evidence that Jack Riepe (Magic Man) and Dan Allen (Shango Rider) are the same person. Consider “Exhibit A,” a well-documented picture of Jack Riepe on “Blue Balls,” taken by a woman who loved him but who wised up at the last moment. Compare it with “Exhibit B,” alleged to be a shot of “Dan Allen,” banking into a curve. Note the same sloppy handling of the motorcycle in both pictures. Note both are wearing full-face helmets. And note that both are riding the cursed bike of the “Boys In The Bund.”

Coincidence? I think not.

Above: Jack Riepe executes a vicious lean on "Blue Balls," a famous BMW K75 with a rare Sprint Fairing. Stop action photo by Leslie Marsh.


Above: Dan Allen "Shango Rider" executes a gentle twistie on the famous BMW "R" bike, known to millions as "Flounder."

I demand that the two of these "gentlemen" be produced in the same room at a major motorcycle rally, so we can judge for ourselves.


Sincerely,
Ebbit Banger
Sedalia, MO

Dear Mr. Banger:

It is no secret that Jack Riepe has gone into a forced seclusion, reportedly to the New Jersey shore, to regain his composure and to finish the great American “Motorcycle Book,” that he has been writing forever. But he has been seen. Local authorities claim he attempted to hold up a “food bank,” by pulling a plastic trash bag over his his head and demanding that the “teller” put all the Hostess Twinkies in a sack. This volunteer worker, a spry thing of 79, thought he said something else, and lifted up her shirt. She then threatened to call police unless he “followed through.”

Nine states away, Dan Allen was alleged to be having sex in his RV, as per the sound effects filtering through thin aluminum walls... This has not been confirmed as he was alone. Both have denied knowing each other, with Allen claiming to spit whenever Riepe’s name was mentioned. There are no plans for a Riepe/Allen Rally confrontation at this time. Your allegations are unfounded.

Fondest regards,
Pansy “Hammerhead” Begonia
Reader Relations/Twisted Roads



Dear Dispatches From The Front:

I was in attendance at the New Jersey Shore BMW Riders Monthly Dinner (March 14, 2012), specifically to hear the guest speaker — Jack Riepe. I was one of Riepe’s brunette conquests decades before, when he rode a Kawssaki H2 (1975). The man introduced as “Jack Riepe” was charming, engaging, and very entertaining. The man I remember as Jack Riepe was coarse, rough-cut, and basically evil. (He farted like a fog horn the first time I introduced him to my mother.) Also, the speaker welcomed as Jack Riepe was a lot better looking than the young, Kawasaki-riding, fencing team champion that I remember.

I started to get the most uncomfortable feeling... That this man was not the Jack Riepe that I knew, but some kind of an imposter, probably transported to earth by aliens for some nefarious purpose. And then I saw something that really troubled me. Jack loved wienerschnitzel. This guy didn’t touch his meal (as evident in the picture of him sitting at the table), but he surreptitiously scarfed up the wienerschnitzel — and shoved it in his pants — when nobody was looking. It is a well-known fact that Jack Riepe possesses no useful knowledge about anything. This Riepe seemed to be an authority on heated gear. I found that odd too.

Then a stunning young woman, on her way to the ladies room, wagged her ass at his eye-level as she passed, and he utterly ignored it. The Jack Riepe I know would have tackled that derriere and gone truffle-hunting in denim. Yet this guy simply turned the conversation to the value of quality heated gear. Something is wrong here.

The behavior of this odd Riepe clone was so disturbing, that I opted to remain anonymous, instead of showing him the pictures of the child he has never seen, and who now hunts the shadows for him with murderous intent.

Very truly yours,
Charlotte Aldente
Cowflop, NJ


Dear Charlotte Aldente:

Thank you for your note of concern. Other attendees at that same event have also reported that the speaker — Jack Riepe — seemed a little strange that night. Mr. Riepe’s behavior is easily explained, however. There is no bar at Schneider’s German-American Restaurant and this was the first time in 40 years that he has ever addressed a group while stone cold sober. The fact that he hadn’t had a snort of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey in 24 hours probably had him so cross-eyed that he didn’t recognize a fabulous keester only inches away.

There is no need for you to continue wondering if Jack Riepe is actually someone else, who is an authority on heated motorcycle gear.

Very Truly Yours:
Pansy “Hammerhead” Begonia
Reader Relations/Twisted Roads


Dear Dispatches From The Front:

I recently purchased a 1995, red K75, tricked out like a rare and magnificent “signature bike,” with the intent of using it to knock off a nice piece of sugar and spice every other weekend. The motorcycle is smoking hot, with an engine that runs flawlessly, pushing a frame that has been meticulously maintained, and festooned with incredibly powerful riding lights. Yet the first time I pulled up to a “Chiquita on the vine,” and revved the engine, she laughed, saying, “Keep moving, Pops.” Then she jiggled her rack at me and added, “These would give you a heart attack.” This has since happened several times.

What am I doing wrong?

Sincerely,
Addison Filmore
Door-To-Door Veterinary Gynecologist To The Stars
Acid Rain, Co


Dear Addison Filmore:

Thank you for writing in to Twisted Roads, the moto-blog for raw adventure and romance like broken glass. While the K75 has a long and established reputation for a chick magnet (especially in red), the bike’s character must be enhanced by the rider for maximum effect. Have you tried acting like a game show host? Perhaps the previous owner combined something in his personality with the dynamics of the bike (i.e a dazzling smile, or a line like “Allow me to reproduce myself?”) to break the ice?

More likely, you have just discovered that unlike the title, the “signature” part is not transferable. Can you spell“screw-ola?”

Fondest regards,
Sue Ellen Shaveclam
Twisted Roads Technical Adviser


Dear Dispatches From The Front:

Nancy Lee and I have been sweethearts since she first took her top off on my Sportster, for her high school graduation picture. I had always heard that the one thing a woman could eat that would make her stop giving trombone solos (you know, bobbing for the bedroom banana) was wedding cake. So I was real careful when Nancy Lee (not her real name) and me, Stanley Kowalski (my real name) got married to make sure she didn’t get none of that four-story confection with the little bride and groom on it. But she must have snuck some in the ladies room at the Howard Johnsons because she’d just laugh when I brought the subject up after we got married.

The price of “banana bobbing” must have risen faster than gas because “Nancy Lee” (not her real name) said if I insisted, it would cost me my share of the trailer, the gas grill, and the pay TV satellite.

I was so desperate for a home-grown, lip-lock on my love-muscle that I tried enticing her with everything, including a box of Big Jim’s “Insanely Delicious” Chocolate Chip cookies.

“Save your petty bribes,” she sneered.

I got so upset that I climbed into bed one night with a whole box of Big Jim’s cookies, and started eating them one after another. The aroma of the perfect cookie, magnified by a dozen, drifted through the bedroom, and Nancy Lee said, “Can I have one?”

My heart softened, momentarily, and I replied, “You can have a piece of one, Honey.” So I gave her a chuck with about 50 chocolate chips and 35 nut pieces on it. I heard her nipples click into “love spasm” mode two seconds later.

“Can I have another bite,” she asked?

“Sure, I whispered. “Once crumb at a time.” And I crumbled a whole cookie under the sheets.

Nancy Lee howled like a banshee. Then she dived under the sheets and did the best “Hoover” impersonation I ever witnessed. She left no spot untouched. I am writing to thank Big Jim personally, and to ask him a question that I am sure is on every man’s mind. “Do you plan to make beer as good as these cookies anytime soon.”

I had planned to give Nancy Lee (her real name is Brenda) chocolate bunnies in a basket for the upcoming holiday. Instead I’m going to order several dozen of Big Jim’s “Insanely Delicious” Chocolate Chip cookies. I know a good thing when I find it.

Sincerely,
Stanley Kowalski
15 Swallow Lane
Bog Holler, Tennessee

Big Jim's "Insanely Delicious" Chocolate Chip Cookies... "They get a better reaction than Easter Eggs." Order a few dozen... Like this blog? My sponsors make it possible for you to read it.


Dear Stanley:

Just imagine the bedroom possibilities if Big Jim made donuts instead of cookies? He is taking holiday orders now.

Fondest regards,
Chungelina Fongulle
Twisted Roads Human Interest editor

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2012
All rights reserved

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Riding Season’s First Event In New Jersey...

The 2012 riding season officially opened for me on March 14th, with an invitation to address the New Jersey Shore BMW Riders, during their monthly dinner meeting at Schneider’s German American Restaurant, in the picturesque hamlet of Avon By-The-Sea. I found it curious that I was already at the Jersey Shore (leaving from Cape May), and had nearly a 100-mile ride north to find myself still within earshot of the Atlantic Ocean, in a state that is smaller than my riding pants.

Despite my familiarity with BMW motorcycle-riding culture, I found my trepidation level surprisingly high... Not because I’d be in the company of a mystical riding club whose aggregate years in the saddle went back to the tertiary age... Nor because this was one of those semi-reclusive biker clubs where everyone has at least one 1950’s black German bike with an odometer that runs twelve places (and nearly every number is a 9). It was the thought that I was without a motorcycle for the second time in 8 years that bugged me.

The ravages of arthritis forced me to sell the legendary “Fireballs” this past winter and I am still fretting over it. The pegs were too damn high — as was the saddle — for me to comfortably mount and competently ride it. And there was no way to cost-effectively lower the bike without destroying the integrity of the model year. But it’s not like I’d never see her again. It was purchased by a member of the New Jersey Shore Riders for a record $1.7 million — after only being posted on this blog for 72 hours. (There are three parts to that last statement. Two of them are true.)

The day could not have been prettier for a drive (or ride) along the New Jersey Coast. The lower stretches of the Garden State Parkway parallel the edges of vast salt marshes, and they are beautiful beyond belief, though the view passes all too quickly. I have made this trip by motorcycle a number of times on the 1985 K75 known as “Blue Balls,” which was destroyed in a collision with Emma Blodgett, back in 2005. The view spreads out right and left at Somers Point (Great Egg Harbor), and again where Parkway spans the Mullica River.

Above: Club President Kent Seydell convened the March dinner meeting of New Jersey Shore BMW Riders, while unveiling the precious last of the "Old Logo" club tee shirts. Photo by Roy Groething.

I hesitate to say this but New Jersey has (had) some of the most beautiful places on earth for years. When I was a boy, the locale around the tiny hamlet of Peapack rivaled anyplace in the Hamptons. The Jockey Hollow area was both historic and pristine in the same shot. Yet real estate developers have carved this beautiful state like it was a rump roast, cutting down centuries old oaks in favor or strip malls or sterile housing developments.

Above: One of the few remaining "Old Logos" of the New Jersey Shore BMW Riders, displaying class, heritage, and solidarity — with the power of a tsunami. Photo by Roy Groething.

Though the speed limit on most of the Parkway is 65 mph, traffic moves faster than that. (The cops are like snipers, however, and they will grab you without mercy.) I recall hitting the GSP bridges over open water doing 90 mph on that older K75, and it was almost better than getting laid in the back of my first car. There is a bite to the salt air, especially if the breeze is off the water. And the salt marshes have an aroma all their own. Hitting the incline of a bridge ramp at speed was akin to launching myself into space, with that finely balanced German engine screaming like a raptor. It has been my experience that each of these bridges is followed by a curve, so the landings were fun too. I wasn’t pushing 90 mph on my drive to Avon, as my current vehicle gets 40 feet per gallon.


I arrived early, so that none of the NJSBMWR members would see me disembark from a red 4x4 pick-up that has all the charm (and length) of fire apparatus. But at least two did.

I heard one remark, “Here comes Riepe... I can see his apparatus.”

The other replied, “Well let’s make sure his pants are zipped before he waddles inside.”

Schneider’s German-American Restaurant is a fixture in Avon. Popular legend has it that the zeppelin Hindenberg would follow the fragrant traces of fine German cooking from far out over the Atlantic, then dim its lights or circle overhead before landing in nearby Lakehurst. The restaurant’s dark interior is heavy with the aroma of wienerschnitzel and the place would be ideal for staging a putsch. I can honestly say the wienerschnitzel was the best I have had in years, and the red cabbage had a tang worth savoring. Schneider’s is also well-known for homemade ice cream, though I didn’t try any on this visit.

Above: Jack Riepe (second from left, with his concentration camp haircut that he got at SuperCuts) winding up for the pitch. Most people are laughing. Those with straight faces think he is lying. The guy on the speaker's left is actually smirking over Riepe's haircut. About 30 riders were in attendance. Photo by Roy Groething.

Our waitress was a charming bunch of roses with an enchanting way about her that I will never forget. When she found out who I was, she went and got the owner to say a few words to me. Seldom have I been flattered to this extent.

The guys began drifting in with a ritual that is common to riding clubs the world over — regardless of the marque. There is the glance around the room, the eye-contact with riding buddies, and the exploding smiles as handshakes connect. The atmosphere was charged with the kind of camaraderie one has come to expect from riders who share a passion for distance, speed, and pure adventure. I have met a number of these guys on previous occasions and not one of them held it against me. Several even seemed glad to see me.

Above: Harold Gantz, of the New Sweden, NJ, BMW Riders, who won a copy of Riepe's book for showing up in a "Twisted Roads" tee shirt. Gantz has one of the most beautiful K75s that ever rolled off the assembly line. Photo by Roy Groething.

About thirty riders trooped in, most astride flawless machines ranging from the mighty GS to the sleek F800. My former K75 was among these, though she no longer raised her head when I whistled. In fact, she snarled and spit at me like a former spouse. The meeting was called to order, and I was introduced. I had planned to begin with a tale of my youth, which involved a Kawasaki, a near-naked Asian woman, a boomerang, and a bar on Westside Avenue in Jersey City. It was then I noticed that we shared the room with the general public, several of who were taking quite an interest in my warm-up. I realized the punch line, “Then she polished my goggles with her panties, even though she was still wearing them,” was likely to start a riot, or cause several patrons to start waving panties of their own. (These patrons would have looked hot in lingerie back in the day when most railroads ran on steam.)

The best stories are the ones grounded in fertile personal experience, and I had more than a few of these. One had occurred en route to the event. It was the warmest March 14th in recent history, with temperatures in the mid-sixties. I had the windows down and the stereo cranked, releasing clouds of Meatloaf’s “Louder Than Anything Else” into the atmosphere. The mating call of a crotch rocket reverberated through the truck’s cab like a gunshot in church. I heard the scream of pistons long before I saw the bike. It was a sizzling Japanese “Fonguasa,” or something like that. (They all look alike.) I knew it wasn’t Italian because it didn’t carry the colors of a pizza box. The rider was a young guy in his mid-20’s, with a stick of pillion candy on the back. She was drop-dead gorgeous and in a perfect world, I’d have changed places with him in a second.

Traffic had coagulated at a light, and I found myself stopped next to them. The rider jazzed the engine for no other reason than it sounded it cool, which seemed to get a rise from the lady on the back. I don’t go for this sort of stuff normally, but I jazzed the engine in the Ford, and looked to see if something hot and sexy would appear behind me in the load bed. Nothing did. In fact, jazzing the motor in the Ford 150 (with the Titan engine) cost $14.75. So I did the next best stupid thing, and cranked the stereo so loud that the windshield began to flex.

It was then I whispered the prayer of a desperate man, and said, “Oh gods of the motorcycle, send a me a single woman on a BMW, whose habits and lifestyle match my own.”

Though the sky was clear, there was the distant rumble of thunder, and an “R” bike buzzed into view. The rider was a stately woman whose features were concealed behind a flip-face Nolan helmet. I was mesmerized. I then hung out the window and gave her the secret sign of a BMW rider. (This entails extending the fingers of your left hand like a fan, sticking your thumb in your left ear, and waving.) She raised the face shield of the Nolan and yelled, “Want a chaw of my terbacca?” She had the body of eternal youth and the eyes of tempered skepticism. They narrowed as they focused on me.

I nodded... And she spit a darkened gob onto the truck’s door. I didn’t realize she was offering the chaw already in her mouth. She then bit into a hunk of leaf, slammed the Nolan closed, and pulled away. The next time, I will not wish for a woman so finely tuned to my way of doing things. I concluded the story and those in the crowd still awake nudged those who were not.

A member in attendance raised his hand and asked, “Did that really happen?” I nodded, and two others wanted to know the direction in which she was last headed.

I always ask groups of riders if they have any suggestions or story ideas for me. These Jersey boys came up with a great one. Apparently, there is a hair-cutting place not too far away in which the stylists wear only bikinis. The New Jersey group suggested a Twisted Roads ride to this joint, resulting in a review of their services, which also includes things like “waxing.” I wondered what it would be like to order a “bikini wax” for a vintage red K75.

Two attendees won copies of my book, Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists, that evening. They were Harold Gantz, of the New Sweden BMW Riders Group, and Monica Gionet of the New Jersey Shore BMW Riders. Harold won his for wearing a Twisted Roads Tee Shirt. Monica got hers for coming up to me with a smile like a laser, and saying, “I really like your stories.” Still, she had to guess a number from “1 to 10,” and what were the chances I was really thinking of “4.” I presented the book to her husband Norm. (It is no secret that Twisted Roads is reaching out for woman riders/readers, and Monica buzzed in on a hot F800ST. Michelle Smith won a book this week too. She is a new BMW rider — an F650 — from Florida. She won for leaving a comment on my blog that one of my former girlfriends must have been a “bitch.” That kind of forward thinking should always be rewarded.)

Also present from the New Sweden Riders Group was Jim Nanfeldt, who was the guest author of my column in the BMW Motorcycle Owners of America’s “Owners News” this month. Through the most implausible circumstances, Nanfeldt ended up riding Elizabeth Taylor’s Harley during a motorcycle ride hosted by the legendary Malcolm Forbes. His deadpan account of the ride made for a great guest story and his debut as a moto-writer. Jim is thinking of doing a more serious interpretation of a cross-country run he took years ago. You may read my column — and Jim’s piece — in this month’s magazine, by going to http://www.bmwmoa.org/ and clicking on the checkered flag about halfway down the page. In a broad gesture to the riding community, the BMW MOA is making my material available on its public page. (This is very different from the gesture I usually share with the riding public.)

Above: "Dr. Jerry" astride the legendary "Fire Balls," the machine he purchased from Riepe for the undisclosed amount of $1.5 million. The PIA HID lights on this rig brought out the "peepers" three weeks ahead of schedule in Avon-By-The-Sea. Photo by Roy Groething.

The New Jersey Shore BMW Riders are a vital part of more than 50 chartered clubs that constitute a national network of Teutonic bikers across the country. I was flattered to receive their invitation and was honored to share a few laughs. I hope to host a New Jersey riders “Oyster and Pole Dance Festival Ride” from the Garden State late this summer... And I hope I’ll see these guys there.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2012