It Arrived Yesterday!

The story about a ship wedged in the Panama Canal barely caught my attention as I scanned the transportation headlines. Those of us who make our living writing about the plight of the airlines, the indignities suffered by the business traveler, and the sound a million business travel industry jobs make as they disappear down the crapper are generally hard to impress when it comes to developments in the shipping news. Yet there was a picture of the vessel attached to the headline. It had an incredibly familiar, though utterly unbelievable, look to it. One click brought it to the forefront of my screen.

There was the unmistakable image of a huge container ship thoroughly wedged into one of the locks of the Panama Canal -- dwarfed under a gigantic custom motorcycle seat. The ship would have cleared the waterway effortlessly, but the sides of the seat had slammed into the edges of the locks, knocking a dozen visiting dignitaries from the North Korean Peace and Harmony Ballistic Missile Commission into the water. Repeatedly clicking on the little magnifying glass made it possible to read the tag attached to the seat.

It was addressed to me.

This was my custom seat, carefully constructed so that my ass would only overhang it by an inch in each direction, being shipped by the most practical way from the west coast by the manufacturer. According to engineering experts, this may be the largest saddle ever constructed for a BMW motorcycle in the history of two-wheeled transportation. Somewhere enroute to West Chester, a picture was taken of two Little League teams, playing nine innings while sheltered against the rain under this seat.

A huge ship similar to this one wedged itself in the Panama Canal 

carrying my custom seat from the west coast.

(Photo courtesy of Wikipedia -- Click to enlarge)

The legendary comfort of the Russell Day-Long Saddle has been whispered around the campfires of my riding friends for as long as I can remember. After 12 or more hours on the road, some riders have been known to dismount, shower, and get back on the bike (while on the center stand) to get a good night’s sleep. One long-distance runner claims this saddle makes cobblestones feel like new Macadam. Another stated that his Russell Day-Long Saddle was smoother than any of his marriages. A third says he has no problem getting naked models to pose on his bike since installing a Russell Day-Long Saddle. These are the kind of recommendations that strike a chord with me. Oddly enough, they do not appear in the company’s brochure.

I have been a candidate for a custom saddle for the past three years. The aftermarket seat on my first BMW K75 was designed as an interrogation tool by the STASI (the East German Secret Police). You would sign anything after sitting on it for two hours. I sold the saddle from my second Beemer to a blacksmith, to use in hammering out horseshoes. This seat looked great, but was designed along the lines of a splitting maul, which centered right on the crack of my ass. I remember one long ride to West Virginia, when I got off the bike feeling like a split rail fence.

"Mike" at Russell Cycle Products begins the painstaking process of 

developing a seat pocket that will match the contours of my ass. 

A dedicated seat composition artist, Mike wept openly at the 

thought of sending such a beautiful seat to certain death.

(Photograph courtesy of Russell Cycle Products -- Click to Enlarge)

Yet I have taken particular notice of long-distance riders who claim their Russell seats are like catcher’s mitts for their butts. I watched as one woman dismounted and her Russell Saddle actually made a loud kissing noise as she pulled her rather shapely ass out of it. (She blushed when she realized I was watching and said, “Something, huh?” I forget my exact reply, but I remember telling her that I could do a much better job than that saddle.)

"Mike" at Russell Cycle Products carefully mounts a critical suspension 

component into my custom Russell Day-Long Saddle. Note the photograph

 of me sitting on "Fire Balls" in the upper right. Once they got past the initial

 shock of working in mega scale, the team of experts at RCP had no 

difficulty in  dealing with my dimensions.

(Photograph courtesy of Russell Cycle Products -- Click to enlarge)

I have never heard an adverse statement about these seats, and have read plenty from riders who claim these custom-built units are a delight. Many of these riders own multiple motorcycles and have Russell Day-Long seats on all of them. And the commentary is not just from the BMW crowd, but from a variety of different marque riders who have discovered that the two areas in which motorcycle manufacturers are most likely to cut corners are seats and horns.

The size of the finished seat cannot be overstated. Local township officials (above) were initially stymied as to whether or not the finished seat required a Certificate of Occupancy and an address.

(Photograph courtesy of Leslie Marsh -- Click to enlarge)

Only one thing has separated me from a Russell Day-Long Saddle before: cash. They don’t give these away. Professional writers like myself are chronically broke. While my alimony payments to a platoon of former wives have ceased (just in time for the economy to collapse), I am still supporting a distillery in Jamaica, a tobacco industry in Honduras, a pole dancer in Coatesville, and 466 whores in Washington, DC. This doesn’t leave me with much. Yet my girlfriend -- the amazingly beautiful and gentle Stiffkins -- seems to remember something nice I did for her, and presented me with a combined Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and birthday gift: my very own Russell Day-Long saddle.

Jay Scales, Mac-Pac member and a *Swiss bell-ringer I sometimes ride with, was also presented with one of these saddles by the woman in his life. We were thinking of building a monument to them, but Jay is holding out for MotoLights as well.

Ordering a saddle from Russell Cycle Products is an exacting science, requiring a number of critical photographs, vital statistics, and **character references. I decided not to lie about my weight in the event it voided the warranty. RCP required pictures of me flat-footing the bike and riding it. I had great shots of me putting “Fire Balls” through its paces at 167 mph taken by Chris Jaccarino and his girlfriend Melinda. Static pictures were taken by David Hardgrove and Matt Piechota. (All of these folks are celebrated members of the exalted Mac-Pac, the eastern Pennsylvania-based BMW Eating and Wrenching Society.) As far as character references go, I sent them the names and phone numbers of total strangers, selected from the phone book at random.

My  finished Russell Day-Long Saddle is a work of art with beautifully clean lines that will dovetail with the classic styling of the Scout Parabellum fairing on the "low seat" configuration of my 1995 BMW K75. 

The heater switch, in black, is on the other side.

(Photograph courtesy of Leslie Marsh -- Click to enlarge)

RCP’s website lists every possible seat configuration for hundreds of bikes, and each of their saddles is as unique as a set of fingerprints. (Technically speaking, this seat is an exact profile of my ass and should be accepted as legal identification at any airport in the country.) The site depicts a cross-section of the saddle’s construction, illustrating their highly innovative spring suspension, which results in unique wings to support your butt cheeks.. I believe the spring used in my seat was a leaf taken from the suspension of an Abrams battle tank. Russell does require your seat pan, which makes getting one of these saddles an ideal winter project as it will take a few weeks. Nevertheless, they don’t waste any time and have a reasonably quick turnaround.

Opening the box yesterday, my office was flooded with that new motorcycle seat smell. (I can assure you this is significantly different from the way an old motorcycle seat smells.) This scent is so stimulating that I’m thinking of ordering a suit made from the same material. (This would guarantee that I could get laid anyplace.) You have a choice of stitch patterns with these seats, and I went with the “half moon” style, which offered a clean design with fewer seams. I actually printed out each stitch pattern and looked at them up against the bike, to see which one went best with its classically beautiful lines.

The fit and finish of my new Russell Day-Long Saddle is a good match for the timeless beauty of the BMW K75 -- especially in the low seat configuration. Note heater switch.

(Photograph by the author -- Click to enlarge) 

I also ordered the optional seat heater. This is a single-setting comfort item that will take the chill out of your butt, while possibly extending the riding season when the temperature is in the mid-20s. The activating switch is located at the back of the seat. The seat came with all the electrical hardware (including an in-line fuse and directions) to connect directly to the battery. The unit will also connect cleanly through the Centech fuse box I had installed last fall.

This shot gives a better idea of how the seat actually looks on "Fire Balls."

(Photograph by the author -- Click to enlarge)

The folks at Russell Cycle Products take a keen interest in customer service and will make any reasonable effort (as defined in their guarantee) to achieve client satisfaction. I had fun chatting with them on the phone (especially with Leslie), and got them to send me pictures of my seat in construction. They are interested in how the seat and I morph to each other. I promised I’d let them know.

My daughter -- Katherine -- pronounces the new seat as "very comfortable." Then she said she wanted one. When I pointed out she had to have a motorcycle first, she mentioned she wanted one of those too. 

Kayo (my name for her) really wants a pink Vespa.

(Photograph by the author -- Click to enlarge)

The seat arrived in plenty of time for me to begin the riding season. In fact, the tons of salt and grit still lingering on the road have me dragging my feet anyway. And I regret to report that efforts to get “Fire Ball’s” exhaust system and crash bars coated black have hit a snag directly linked to the credit crisis.

“Don’t look at me,” said Stiffie. “I gave at your office.”

The are limits to a woman’s love apparently.

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Author's Note: I have no affiliation with Russell Cycle Products and received neither compensation nor discount for writing about this seat.  The opinions, analogies, and humor presented in this piece are my own. I subscribe to a sophisticated writing style that elevates mild exaggeration to an art form. Some fictional license has been taken with the Panama Canal and with the assholes calling the shots in North Korea. I intended no offense to anyone in the writing of this piece. But if you came away slighted, you might want to consider working harder at becoming a better person, finding better friends, or changing your name. 

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Story Notes:

*Jay Scales is an authority on church bells, public clock bells, bell castings, and the installation of carillons in some of the most impressive and historic buildings in the area. His work and that of his company is widely respected in national and international circles.

**Character references are optional.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2009
AKA The Lindbergh Baby (Mac-Pac)
AKA Vindak8r (Motorcycle Views)
AKA The Chamberlain -- PS (With A Shrug)