Monday, July 27, 2009

Jack Riepe Back From The Missing -- Maybe

I have been attempting to hide the fact that eight days on the road and back from the BMW MOA Rally took a lot more out of me than I anticipated. My arthritis is advancing faster than expected and it takes longer for my joints -- a lot longer -- to recover from a week of exertion. At first, it seemed like a couple of nights' sleep was all I needed and I had plans to immediately resume writing for work and in motorcycle circles.

Yet by last Wednesday, it was clear that something else was going on here... This fucking disease was preventing me from focusing on stuff I want to write and simple tasks I set for myself each day. In truth, I have just spent a whole week doing a lot of nothing, and that's about what I have to show for it.

I would like to thank Pete Buchheit, Dick Bregstein, and Clyde Jacobs, (my riding partners on the Tennessee odyssey), for all of the assistance and consideration they extended on my behalf.

Never before have three individuals endured so much bullshit at the hands of one person on a daily basis. Despite being the first up in the morning (showering before 6am), I was always the last one to flop into the saddle and the first to pull into a rest area 60 miles later. I again managed to lose my keys (again in my underwear), lose my glasses, lose my toothbrush, and lose my cane on various days throughout the ride. It was the general impression of many that I had also lost my mind, but that was long before this ride.

These guys took everything in stride, and even pretended to laugh about it.

Work is getting to be a chancy thing these days. I had signed on for a series of assignments that could only be delivered during the week of the rally. (Revenue is such that I would write for Satan if he called and paid in advance.) My option was to eitrher cancel the Rally ride, or attempt to work at night. Canceling the ride was out of the question. I would work at night. That plan turned to shit when my 4-year-old Apple laptop ( a 13” Black MacBook that had survived being hurled to the ground in a motorcycle crash three years ago -- without any damage) died in my saddlebags.

There are no Apple Stores in Johnson City... They are several places that service Apples (mine was far beyond that, however) but nothing that was going to provide the kind of relief I needed. I was able to contact Apple from my hotel room in Johnson City, describe what I wanted, and persuade them to ship a new MacBook Pro to me within 15 hours.

The blown computer provided a degree of stress that I did not need. The client was very supportive and advised me that killing myself would be more acceptable than fucking them up with a delayed project. In fact, they wanted me to complete the project and kill myself anyway (as this would resolve any overtime issues.)

Since my hotel rooms had all been prepaid, I allocated about $18 a day for gas, $30 a day for food, and a little extra for cigars and rum. I figured the $300 in my pocket would cover things nicely, using my credit card for stuff at the vendor tent. After the call to Apple, my total expenditures for this ride came in at $3400.00 for the week. The computer was more than half of what I paid for the K75.

I was forced to work all day Thursday and Friday (except for lunch), and we departed for home on Saturday morning. That was why no one saw me at the Rally. I had been invited to two official dinners on Wednesday and Thursday evenings -- and that was the only time I was on the Rally premises. But I would not have missed this run for anything. I cannot recall ever having such a good time.

The Rally seemed like a hive of activity. Yet both times that I was there, I had to pull out at nightfall, when my pain medication was wearing off, and when traffic control was at its maddest. Twice I found myself riding in the dark and rain (not my favorite). Every time I rode through the rally I prayed, "Dear God -- Don't let me drop this bike in front of all these bastards, especially the ones wearing fancy name tags."

There are some very special people who really extended themselves on my behalf for this trip. They are:

• Jim Sterling -- Three people came up with ideas to help me get my fat, ungainly ass on and off my K75. Each built me a kind of step. Ricky Matz was the first. He built his as a joke, and disguised it to look like a BMW OEM part. It did not fit in my top case. The second individual was Dick Bregstein, who came up with a section of 4x4 (well-used in his garden) that he thought would do the trick. It too had its limitations (termites and carpenter ants among them). Then Ken Bruce came up with a version that he thought might work too. He offered to tailor it to whatever specifications were required.

But Jim Sterling tackled this assignment like a true engineer. He made measurements, taking note of the peculiar dimensions of the interior of the top case. (It’s like a trapezoid.) He made a prototype, showed up for a custom fitting, then determined it needed alterations. The finished product was painted (twice) and linked to the handlebars via a chain, so I could reel it in like an anchor, and stow it in my top case. I use the same process, in reverse, to get off the damn thing.

I used this device three or four times every day on this ride and it was a life-saver, sparing me a jolt of pain in my left hip every time I got on and off this bike.

This is the step that my engineer friend Jim Sterling designed and built for me. The front-loading capability of the top case enables me to stow it after reeling it in on the chain. Some folks claim that I should be embarrassed to need this to ride a BMW.
Then again, I need a wheelbarrow to carry my genitals at the beach.
(Photo by the author -- Click to enlarge)

• Brian Curry -- Brian invited me to the BMW MOA'S Ambassador's Diner, and gave me the opportunity to meet with the organization’s ranking leaders and key committee chairmen. Before the evening ended, many of these folks took Brian aside and told him never to do this again, as poor Emma Blodgett, 87, the BMW MOA Ambassador to Somoa, may never recover from the story I told about the pole dancer and the “organ” grinder’s monkey. Brian also sold tickets to about 200 people who paid to see me dismount using Jim Sterling's new invention "The Fat Ass Anti-Gravity Step."

• Dave Misevich -- Dave made arrangements for me to register at curbside, because I was too spent to get off the K75, stagger 100 yards, and stand in line. Dave walked up to me, shook my hand, and went back into the registration center to find John Murphy, a registration volunteer from Canada, who then processed me while I sat on my bike. Dave never once mentioned that I was leaking sweat like a New Orleans levee gushing water under a tidal surge.

• John Murphy -- Who was all smiles and helpful information as he processed my registration (while I sat on the bike at the curb). Mr. Murphy was one of the few people I would meet on this trip who didn’t offer to a) help pull the K75 out of my ass; b) suggest this might be less of an ordeal if I didn’t weight 10,000 kilos; c) greet me by yelling , “Hide the cookies,” over his shoulder.

• Mary Baker -- Who was one of three ladies who offered to pose as “Cheri Pie -- Exotic Dancer and Physical Trainer), and who volunteered as my “date” for the BMW MOA Owners News Contributor’s Dinner. Mary is a pisser and a half, who rides a BMW like a Kamikaze pilot with a sense of excellence. I was surprised to get Mary’s note volunteering for this mission, as she always gave me the impression as being the sort of woman who grinds total bullshitters like myself into the dirt. In fact, I always thought she regarded me as an example of what happens when the wrong people have access to penicillin as children. Mary came dressed up for the event wearing form-fitting Capri pants(with a stunning cherry pattern on them) and a special Cheri Pie tee shirt, that I had ordered.

Mary Baker "Cheri Pie" and her red hot BMW "R1150R" bike that she rides like a Kamikaze pilot. Mary is a dedicated rider who didn't hesitate to show up for dinner with me,but never once said anything about riding together. Point taken. Mary is a real BMW rider, who doesn't tolerate bullshitters, nor fools, nor guys who ride their K75's like scrap metal on a flatcar.
(Photo courtesy of Mary Baker -- Click to enlarge)

The other ladies who responded to my call for a date were Jill Last -Name-Withheld-Out-of-Courtesy (who claimed on a public list that she'd be perfect for this as she has “killer tits”) and Kimi Bush (who begged off as she would not be attending the rally). Jill gets a special mention here for unknowingly providing me with the title for my first book about motorcycles. (It may be called, “A Re-Entry Riders Guide To Motorcycles and Killer Tits.”)

• Jim Ellenberg -- Who offered to ride my bike home from the rally, while I stretched out on the back of seat of a car, driven by his wife Dot. Jim got this idea when I went passed him on I-81 doing 98 mph. He said my back was so twisted that I appeared to be riding side-saddle.

I couldn’t even begin to think about this, as Jim is 6’9” tall, and my K75 has a 36” wheelbase. Jim would have had to put his testicles in his shirt pocket and steer with his feet. (Actually, I was determined to finish this ride as I started it. While Jim’s offer sounded great, I had no desire to be carried back unless I had crashed. Jim did carry back half of my gear in his car, however.)

• The unnamed woman on the purple Harley at the rest stop just south of Roanoak, -- who said, “You’re the guy who writes ‘Twisted Roads,’ and who then lifted up her shirt and jiggled those babies around. It’s people like you who give people like me something to write about. Actually, a couple of dozen folks did come up to me, ask if I was the guy who wrote “Twisted Roads,” and then thank me for making them laugh. One was a gorgeous blond who said, “You’re even fatter in real life.”

I smiled and replied, “My new book will be called ‘A Re-Entry Riders Guide To Killer Tits.’ You're not in it.”

The only decent picture of me taken at the BMW MOA Rally in Gray, Tennessee.
All of the other pictures portray me as a huge fat blob, recently handcuffed to the food chain.
(Photo courtesy of Mary Baker "Cheri Pie" -- Click to Enlarge)

If I died tomorrow, I would go to hell laughing over the memories of this ride. I deeply regret not having written a current blog piece in a long time. The fact is I was under a lot of stress on the ride and it has taken nearly two weeks to decompress. The rally ride story will be posted in the next 24 hours.

I have not answered a lot of email for the same reasons listed above. I freely admit that I have had scrambled eggs for brains. It took me two weeks to write this letter. It has taken me 10 days to think of the opening for the Rally Ride story. And it only occurred to me on Saturday, on my way to the dirt track motorcycle races in Hagerstown, Md. (By the way, I was the guest of Chris Carr, AMA champion and former title holder as the world's fast man on two wheels, and spent the afternoon with his pit crew -- another Twisted Roads first. Story to follow.)

Thank you very much, everyone who helped me make this ride. And for those of you who see this letter and my recent absence from this forum as an admission of defeat, please feel free to kiss my ass at your earliest convenience. Those of you who are short may use this excellent step I have to get a good shot at the target.

Fondest regards,
Jack Riepe
Publisher/Twisted Roads

72 comments:

Ihor, in awe and relief, said...

Dear John, I commend all the saintly individuals who assisted you on your trip to the rally. As the saying goes, it takes a village! And the photo of you does reveal your state of fatigue, but that's mostly mental. I hope that your recuperation is soon complete.
Happily that chained step came in handy and I'm sure that with your marketing savvy and Jim's engineering expertise you could have it on shelves in motorcycle shops and dealerships from here to the nearest hospice. I've emailed you often and hope you get to read some of the missives before I see you. ADK or not, soon I hope.

Nikos said...

How do "killer tits" operate then? Asphxiation?

fasthair said...

Mr. Jack: Are you really that old of a broken down mule as you sound like? Instead of buying you that tee-shirt "I Love Cumming Iowa", now I'm going to buy you a kid leash to put on your walking stick so you never loose it again. Lucky man that you are to have such loving (who had to wonder... will he just dry up an blow away if we just leave him here) friends, who even though you clearly ruined their vacation, took the time to make sure you got home safe and more or less sound, or at least as sound as when you left. Consider yourself lucky I wasn't along for the ride. About the time you stepped on your little "I'm to fucking old to get on my bike" step I would have pulled it out from under you so we could have just shipped you off to the local morgue and got on with the fun ahead. I would send you five bucks so you can get a can of paint for your step so it matches your bike color but I'm afraid you would loose it then and cause your friends further grief.

Got to give you big props for not bailing and finishing what you started. Someday I hope to be as good as you :)

fasthair

ps... this nice pair standing next to me is feeling sorry for your fat ass. Said something like "oh that poor old man maybe I should send him some of my homemade zucchini bread?" Just how the hell do you do that?!?!

bobskoot said...



Jack:

You actually are looking very slim in that photo, sort of the cat swallowed the mouse kind of coy look (no harp baby harp seal today)

and Cheri-Pie does not "click to enlarge" . I seldom click to enlarge, but wouldn't you know, the one time . . .

I am surprised that BMW does have auto retracting "platforms" for the "Heftier rider". It could be sold as OEM equipment.

I'm disappointed that you rode all the way to the rally, only to be stuck inside a hotel room hidden away from public view. Can't wait for your ride report, hopefully others have given you some photos

bob
bobskoot: wet coast scootin

ADK said...

Riepe said:

And for those of you who see this letter and my recent absence from this forum as an admission of defeat, please feel free to kiss my ass at your earliest convenience.

I admitted defeat three minutes after I met you. And not because of your gay wit and repartee.

Ihor, I'd love to see you up here soon. Are you really bringing Riepe with you?

Jack, sorry the arthritis is causing you such pains and discomfitures. If you manage to convey your considerable bulk to Way Upstate NY anytime soon I have a bottle of Myers with your name on it. You can pay me when you get here.

cpa3485 said...

Sorry to hear that your work life caused some stress during the trip, but sounds like you still had a great ride to and from even if you had to bail out on some of the festivities.

Sometimes things just don't happen according to plan. On March 21,2009this year (remember what it might be like in an accounting office on March 21) I lost an entire day due to a computer software problem. You cannot imagine how pissed I was. I have a new mouse now because the old one didn't survive the rage.

But it sounds like you persevered well and kept your chin up when work problems kept piling on.

Looking forward to more of the reports. I didnt try to click and enlarge on the picture bobskoot mentioned. (but thought about it)

With all that money you spent, you could have probably bought me a used BMW for me and I could have joined you there. Think about that the next time bullshit happens to you.

Electra Glide In Blue said...

Jack,
I just stopped by to kiss your ass, now quit whining and get to writing, and answer those emails cuz one is mine and I want to buy a shirt.

sgsidekick said...

I do not see this letter as an admission of defeat: rather, a come-back announcement....sort of along the lines that "Bumbles Bounce!" We did miss you, Jack! I just never emailed as I didn't want to appear to be a nag. I AM one, just didn't want to APPEAR as one.

Sorry to hear about the laptop. Modern technology hooks you, reels you in, then teaches you a bunch of new swear words when it fails!!!

Just glad to hear you made it There And Back Again, with only a little hobbit, er, hobble...

Cantwell said...

Jack,
The new saddle seems to keep your hips in order, now we just need to get some stir-ups to take care of the knees. I think the appropriate ones would be the ones at the OB GYN's office. They would fit nice with the sleek German engineered lines of the classic K75. Once fitted, they would also facilitate the extraction of the seat from your ass.

Get that bike up here so I can actually ride with you. I don't consider the 10 minutes of riding before BMWMack broke his wife's leg a ride.

Maybe ADK would like to ride as well. Although, I get around alot on my K75, I've yet to see the Triumph or the so called Hepatitis flying around. Maybe he's the one on the sport bike that flies past my house at 2AM at about Mach 2. I'm waiting for one of the giant Adirondack rats to get him....stinking rats.

Cheers,
Cantwell.

Steve Williams said...

Computers. What more can you say...

I must say you are a master at jerking a reader around the emotional landscape. You have me feeling bad at the beginning of a sentence, laughing halfway through and then hit the period with a sense of bewilderment. And god damn you even have a blog t-shirt. I'm surprised you don't have some sort of "show them off for Jack" t-shirt contest.

I hope you find some relief with the arthritis. Riding side saddle at 98 mph can't be good.

Glad you are back!

Steve Williams
Scooter in the Sticks

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Ihor:

I cannot deny that the run down to Tennessee left me drained. It is taking me a lot longer than I anticipated to get back into the swing of things. Item #1 on my list is to advance my dieting techniqies a few notches.

While my weight actually dropped on this trip, the fact remains it has not dropped fast enough.

I have read all of your e-mails. In fact, Leslie and I had quite a discussion on "Yellow - Yellow" in the car yesterday. While the Times article decribes her as a diminutive black bear, we had no idea that she is actually smaller than Atticus (our German Shepherd) by 25 pounds. (Atticus weighs 150, and there isn't an ounce of fat on him.)

I would love to get up to the Adirondacks this August, but riding the bike up there and back (two 300+ mile days) seems unlikely at the moment. And there is no doubt that the arthritis is now in my back.

There isn't shit they can do for that.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad
Twisted Roads

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Nikos:

Quite frankly, I have no idea how "Killer Tits" work. I suspect they work their way loose, get out into the general population, and then rob banks and gas stations with reckless abandon.

I was amazed that any woman (BMW rider or not) would even offer such information to me. But I'm glad she did. This is the sort of thing that keeps me living from day to day. In fact, I occasionally think about stuff like this when I sleep too.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Fasthair:

Imagine these circumstances:

a) I have consumed an unspecified amount of rum during the earlier part of the evening.

b) I have gone to sleep in an unfamiliar hotel room.

c) I wake up in the middle of the night, having to take a raging piss, and forget that I am crippled. I stand up in a dark room, take one step, and fall down.

d) Then I realize I can't find that fucking cane.The room is as dark as the inside of a cow, and the cane is black.

e) Crawling into the bathroom reminds me of many nights when I was 17. But this time, more than my head hurts. I say the word "fuck" 1700 times.

My riding buddies are the best in the world. And I have about 250 of them in the Mac-Pac. Many have started out saying that they would never ride with me, yet a substantial number of them do. The most prominent among these are DucDue and Chris Jacarrino -- both of whom have ridden with me on some very memorable occasions.

And all have threatened to pull out the step, or put Krazy Glue on my seat, or grease my pegs, or Armorall my handgrips.

Please tell the nice pair standing next to you that all zuccini bread is gratefully accepted, and that there is some clinical proof that eating the same alleviates my pain, while causing a certain part of me to stiffen to the point where it assists in typing.

You have just witnessed the patented "battered baby seal" note... Something, huh?

Thank you for reading my tripe and for writing in.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Bobskoot:

Cheri Pie (Mary Baker) took that picture of me at the rally. The pictures my riding buddies took portray me as a depiction of the planet Saturn.

And several of my engineering friends are looking at a way to make a retracting step for this bike. They are doing more out of a sense of challenge than anything else. One has suggested something like a lift, where I stand on it and it picks me up.

In truth, the weather turned muggy and rainy for the rally, which played hell with my arthritis. Sercondly, the traffic at the rally was insane. Many of the areas I had to ride through were gravel, broken pavement, or wet grass. I had a constant fear of dumping the bike. At least one Beemer, a mightly LT, did go over.

All of these things --including work -- contributed to my invisibility. But I'll do better next year.

Thanks for reading and for writing in.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Chris:

I have been paying since the first day I met you. Sometimes in cash, and sometimes in blood, sweat, and tears.

What is your schedule like in August? Weren't you going to a wedding in France, where a young girl was about to make the first mistake of her lifetime?

I was thinking getting up to the Adirondacks, by a method that I am not willing to mention here, with my bike. I was thinking that Cantwell, Kozanas, and myself could all ride together. You could ride too if there is anything left of "Heppatitis" to ride. Let's see, you've dropped it 17 times now?

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear CPA 3485:

In the last 30 years, I have taken exactly 20 days off in which I did not bring a computer. However, there have been no days on which I did not call the office. Work has accompanied me on every "vacation" I have ever taken, except one.

Thank God I had everything backed up on another drive. I used the "Time Machine" software that comes with the Apple. It backs up everything every 30 minutes.

There is no point over bitching about the unavoidable. The fact is that laptop was getting ready to go and I am lucky that it went when I had money in the bank to get a great replacement. Tough times are coming for writers like me... Noe I have good rubber on both the truck and the bike, and a powerful new computer on my desk.

Things could be worse. By the way, this is the first new product I've had from Apple with a fully intuitive touch pad. It makes a mouse superfluous and time consuming. I've never had anything like this unit before.

Thanks for reading and for writing in.
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Electra Glide in Blue:

I will go through my e-mail at some point tonight, and send the details to you. Thank you for your interest in ordering the ultimate "Get Laid Anywhere Tee Shirt." You'll have to tell me how well it worked.

I had to stop wearing it to religious functions.

Thanks for looking at my note and for writing in.

Fondest regards,
Jsack "reep" Toad

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Sgsidekick:

Most of the guys in my club not only rode down to Tennessee in one day (I took four), they chose the most convoluted back roads they could find. In the riding circles I aspire to, "Defeat" is my middle name.

A laptop is as essential to me as a lawyer is to the women I marry. And I have learned not to skimp on brakes, laptops, or good divorce attorneys.

Hopefully, I will now have a whole year to loose 200 pounfds before the next BMW Rally, which I believe is a state or so away from where you live -- in Edmonton.

I could actually end up riding with Steve and Bugser next year. Thanks for patiently looking in and commenting, Tena

Fondest regaerds,
Jsack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Mike (Cantwell):

Fuck you... How've you been?

Thank you for the stirrup idea. I too have a few suggestions for you.

Did you see my note back to Chris (ADK)? I ewant to get up there in August, over a 4-day weekend. That leaves me two days to get up there and back, via a means I will not go into, and two days to ride with you guyds. I was thinking we could do the famous "Flying Nun" squadron: you, Lee Kozanas, Chris, and myself.

I was thinking of a tour of Blue Mountain Lake, a stop at the museum, getting smashed with Chris, and buzzing around Lake Placid. Let's make some plans.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Scooter In The Sticks (Steve):

"A Show Them Off For Jack Tee Shirt Contest!" Brilliant!
What a great idea! I'll have to figure out an appropriate prize.

I'm delighted that you find reading my work so emotionally rewarding. To my way of thinking, the writer has an obligation to draw the reader into the piece and make them part of the action. I do my best.

I can manage 200 miles if the majority of the run is on open high-speed roads. Anything else starts the pain generation. I'll figure out a way to deal with it.

Thank you for reading my tripe, and for writing in.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

ADK said...

As you know I will not be here in August. I'll be in that most genteel of exotic lands Morocco, attending the wedding of my, and your, good friends daughter Samantha, to her erstwhile boyfriend Annis. I will be sure to bring them your warmest regards and best wishes for the life and future they're to share together.

I don't really care how you get here as long as you do. The rum is gone, and we'll make fun of you anyway.

The Yellow Peril is in fine shape and non the worse for your slurs and innuendos.

After the last weekend in August would be great.

Cantwell, You will know beyond a shadow of a doubt the next time I ride by your house !!!!!!!!!!!

With the meerest hint of sympathy, Ihor said...

The means of going ADK are always variable. There usually is room in my Gemini capsule if planning and packing are properly considered.The weight loss plan which I detailed to you some YEARS ago will effectively accelerate you to your goal. I think that if a smidge of fortitude can be borrowed or in some fashion generated and applied to this matter, successful results may be arrived at before too long. Do consider my simple plan, what have got to lose? Pun intended.

CHRIS, get my phone number from John and give me a call anytime, my ADK trip is from August 7 to 10. Perhaps John will be in the vicinity as well some time that month?

Ihor, correctively said...

So no ADK around in August? While remaking a "Road" picture should be fun, Morocco in August sounds like a shakedown cruise to Hell! Not that it isn't an intriguing destination, but I prefer my heat applied to a steak and who is portraying Bing's roll?? I have a suggestions for the Sidney Greenstreet and Peter Lore parts. I hope the trip is a success. Chris, I'ld like a rock as a souvenir.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear ADK:

You're going to piss away an entire month in Morocco? Just to see Sam make a temporary decision that will have to be reversed in Reno anyway? What the hell are you going to do in Morocco for a whole month?

Just send them $200 and call it even.

Will you be home over Labor Day?

By the way, I made arrangements with Ihor to hide whatever steps may be necessary to get up there on my bike.

Fondest regards,
Riepe

Fondest regards,
Riepe

Steve Williams said...

Jack: I think the prize for the contest is pretty obvious. A night on the town with you. You and the winner would have lots of great stories.

Steve Williams
Scooter in the Sticks

mq01 said...

well jack, hate to disappoint, but im feeling the need to kiss booboo's and bake a zucchini bread now too. :) yikes my friend, it takes balls to ride with that kind of pain and challenge, bravo. your truth and strength are 2nd to none.

ps, my hd's red ;) wasnt me...

ADK said...

You may mail me your wedding present for the happy couple. If it's any good I'll pretend its from me.

Yes, I'll be home over Labour Day.

How do you propose to hide a B52?

Yours, ADK.

bobskoot said...

Jack rIEPE said: "By the way, I made arrangements with Ihor to hide whatever steps may be necessary to get up there on my bike.

Fondest regards,
Riepe


All this secretcy . . . just come out and say T R A I L E R ? sort of like those movies of yesteryear. Your bike is strapped to an open trailer, you ride astride of your mighty K-75 in full gear in the wind to get some of the open air sensation while the scenery rolls by

bob
bobskoot: wet coast scootin

Andy said...

Jack,

You continue to make me laugh, your writing is top notch ... it pains me to see/hear about the disease that you so bravely endure, you are a true hero to me as well as others ... you honor me with your friendship.

Andy Terrell

Steel said...

Nice to see you back in the writers saddle, Jack.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Steve:

I am actually thinking of a big contest, and tee shirts do play into into it... Plain white tee shirts and cold water. Something that could be held in the driveway and get my bike washed too.

I am moving forward with this idea.

Fondfest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Mss. Mq01:

Thank you for the warm sentiment and kind thoughts. All kisses and zucchini bread are accepted gratefully. Also, and this request is a little odd but it is something that I feel I can ask a hot open-minded, biker woman, could you fabricate me a metal air horn bracket for my authority bars, as I want to mount a Steeble/Nautilus air horn on my K75 (right hand side)?

I have been married twice and living with pain comes naturally to me. All kidding aside, I did not expect the arthritis to move into my back. This makes it a whole new ball game. Still, I do plan to ride to the West Coast next year. I may have to replace the speedo with a calendar though.

Thank you for reading my crap and for writing in.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear ADK (Chris):

In a warm-hearted letter that I wrote earlier to one M. Cantwell today, I began with "Fuck you." Imagine my surprise when I discovered that same sentiment applied here too!

So when the hell are you leaving for Morocco?

Can we begin to make plans for Labor (not Labour) Day? Or is it guaranteed that you will be up to your ass in work having just returned from spending a month in Morocco, where one of the prettiest girls I ever saw is going to make one of the biggest mistakes of her life.

By the way, the B-52 gag was very funny. Can you send me some current pictures of your bike? I bet the body work is dazzling with all that duct tape.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Bobskoot:

Only two kinds of BMW's are trailered: 1) the semi-precious variety of which there are only one or two left; 2) the smoldering ones that broke the sound barrier, launching their riders into a parallel dimension.

Anything else would suggest there was something wrong or mentally off with the owner. Chris nailed it. I'm using a B52 to carry my Beemer up to Lake Placid.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Andy:

What a kind, thoughtful thing for you to say. Amazingly enough, very few of my other biker friends share similar thoughts. In fact, I just got a note from Moto Edde today on how fatties are the leading cause of global warming and the newly detected wobble in the earth's orbit. The note was addressed to the Mac-Pac, plus any fatties who think they can ride motorcycles.

Andy, none of my readers are aware that you went through a horrible accident a few months ago, being thrown over the roof of a car on I-95, and having your motorcycle land next to you.

It's great to see you up and riding around again -- especially on that manly BMW GS.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Steel (Steve):

The amazing thing is that I really don't feel like writing anything, the longer I am away from it. I really haven't had a thought in my head for the past ten days... But I am starting to make up for it now.

Finding a note from you is like finding a ten dollar bill in an old pants pocket.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Sojourner rides said...

I'm glad to know the reasons I couldn't find you. I am sorry for the names I called you--I take it all back. I'm glad you didn't die by over consumption of ice cream as you threatened would happen if we didn't connect at the rally. I think we both have had our share of work traumas and dramas.

Onward and Upward!

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Sharon:

Names you called me? I hope one of them wasn't Fatso.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Conchscooter said...

It's a bit like riding a bus and listening to the inane chatter blathering on around you. Then you look down at the paper in your lap and discover it is really quite boring. So you listen some more and you wonder...who are these people? Why am I here? And there is no explanation. Then you wake up and fine you've burned a few more idle minutes at work. Thank you.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Conch:

You are here because I summoned you.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

ADK said...

Dear Jack, for you to begin any kind of missive to me with the words "Fuck You", would represent an elevation of status I'm sure I hardly deserve.

Mike, Riepe talks behind your back at every opportunity, and none of it is good.

I'm leaving for Morocco on Monday Aug. 3rd.

Labour or Labor, it really doesn't matter to me. I am suprised that you feel strongly enough to mention the spelling, as I know that the sentiment of Labor/Labour is anathama to you. Well, at least that's what Leslie tells ms during our more intimate phone calls.

In any case I have nothing planned to date for that weekend, but if you call me soon I'm sure I will have by then.

Samantha called me last night and asked me if you were going to be at her wedding. Apparently she misses you a lot and wanted more than anything that you be there. I told her that you were medically unstable and at deaths door and, Oh Yeah! That you think she's an idiot. She took it rather well, cried a little, then said that she'd be contacting you through the international travellers arm of The Intifada.

The B52 line wasn't a gag.

Sojourner rides said...

No never called you that.

The names I called you include: Dadblasted Jack, dang Jack, MIA Jack, "I don't believe I can't find him Jack", Punking out on me Jack, Lying Jack, Mac-Pac Jack, Rat Pac Jack and somewhere around the last day when I'd given up finding you, I called you: Screw 'em Jack.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Boyfriend, you look great! For all your heavyweight humor, you've taken off a bunch...looking good!

Granny2Wheels

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Chris:

The truth of the matter is that Sam never held me closer in anything other than contempt. However, I wish her all the joy an happiness marriage has brought to me.

Plan for as party, a night out at the bar, and two days of riding around in Lake Placid and Blue Mountain Lake over Labour Day (metric spelling). I do want to ride my bike up Whiteface Mountain on a clear day, just to show Cantwell it can be done. I am going to make reservations to stay at the Hungry Trout.

While in Morocco, could you pick me up an Ouzi that's made to look like a Hookah? They sell them on the street.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Sharon:

And all I called you was Pumpkin, Sweetie, Precious, and the Goddess Of The Road. This is because I am a Renaisance Man, and pure of heart. When are you coming to Pa. I'll put together a Mac-Pac welcome for you.

Fondest regards,
Dadblasted Jack, dang Jack, MIA Jack, "I don't believe I can't find him Jack", Punking out on me Jack, Lying Jack, Mac-Pac Jack, and Rat Pac Jack

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Granny TwoWheels:

What a nice thing to say! Only you, Andy Terril, Steel (Steve Assan), and Eltra Glide in Blue had anything nice to say about me. Everyone else implied that I was fat, lazy, or socially backwards. But I'm used to ADK.

How are you, Granny? How's your summer shaping up?

Fondest regards,
Jack

ADK said...

See You Soon Fireballs.

bobskoot said...

Jack:

If I end up going to Redmond, OR next July, I am going to rent the room next to yours and Dick's. In my mind I am NOT going to the Rally so much as "riding to meet Jack "r"IEPE

bob
bobskoot: wet coast scootin

irondad said...

Jack,

Buck it up and quit whining. Studs like you don't need to do that sort of thing.

Before your ego gets as big as your ( fill in the blank ) Steve Williams didn't say your work was emotionally rewarding. I seem to remember reading the words "jacking around emotionally".

You probably broke the Apple by trying to stand it on end and use it as a step to get on the bike.

God, that felt good! Welcome back. I haven't abused you in so long I wasn't sure I remembered how.

I kind of like your bad and gutter based attitude although I shouldn't. Just remember what that says about me, too!

Tony said...

Jack,

I guess I'm the new guy here (and joined the Mac-Pac list and hope to make a breakfast soon).

I've been reading the entire blog for the past few days, and my hot squeeze has been giving me the hairy eyeball because I NEVER laugh out loud at anything I read. I've had to read her a few passages so she understands now.

Thanks for the entertaining blog and I hope to meet you some day.

TG

Jack Riepe said...

Dear ADK (Chris):

It won't be soon enough. This ride is long overdue. I'm going to start figuring out some routes and stuff. I do want to do somnething utterly tourisry and dumb, considering I've lived up there a third of my life. I do want to ride up Whiteface on a clear day... And I'd love it if we all did it together.

By the way, you told me the road over the hump of the mountain's base into Franklin Falls is for shit if your on a bike. Is that still the case?

Watch your ass in Morocco. Is Missy going with you? Is there anything you'd like me to take care of while your gone?

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear IronDad (Dan):

You call that abuse? You should ride with the Mac-Pac. Dick Bregstein once rode 19 miles in first gear, carrying a cup of coffee for me in his left hand. Then he spit in it just before handing the cup to me.

There is nothing like a new Apple computer. Opening up the screen is like popping the bra on a debutante for the first time.

I'm feeling a lot better since a number of my female readers have been sending me loaves of zucchini bread and topless pictures. I do have a new bump on my head though... I was reading your blog yesterday, went into a coma, and banged my head on the desk.

Now that's abuse!.

Someday, we'll rie together and you'll say, "I don't know who to call, but I am going to have your license revoked."

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad
Twisted Roads

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Tony:

I know bullshit when I see it... Who put you up to this? Was it that bastard Bregstein?

If you were really from the Mac-Pac, your note would have made some reference to criminal obesity, editorial ineptitude, or the wonders of technology that allow blind people to ride.

And my response would have been to shorten you at the knees. Then again, you claim you're new. (Which by the way, is never something you want to admit if there are Mac-Pac riders around and a goat handy.)

I have to warn you that if you keep reading my stuff aloud at home, you'll end up single. On the odd shot that this note is legit, I'm delighted if you got a laugh out of my stuff. It was a pleasure hearing from you.

Bregstein and I are going for a ride on Saturday... Are you around? This will be a shorty... Out to take some pictures down by Conowingo, and then for a crab lunch someplace. Less than 150 miles. Zap me on the Mac-Pac list.

Thanks for reading my tripe, and for writing in.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad
Otherwise known as the Lindbergh Baby

Fondest regards,

ADK said...

I rode over to Franklin Falls a couple of weeks ago and the road was in terrific shape, but not for the faint of heart. It's very steep and very bendy, sometimes both at the same time. Still, if you want to test your metal I'd be happy to scratch up a few corners with you.

The Whiteface road would be totally kitsch but fun on a clear day. Happy to go with you if you want to do it.

Missy is going with me, but
you're welcome to my other three grrrrrlfriends while I'm gone, just don't put them away wet.

You can take care of my monumental tab at the Baxter Tavern.

Yours, ADK.

MattPie said...

Only two kinds of BMW's are trailered: 1) the semi-precious variety of which there are only one or two left; 2) the smoldering ones that broke the sound barrier, launching their riders into a parallel dimension.

And those destined for the track, of course!

Sorry I missed you at the rally, and like at a Mac Pac dinner this week that I haven't seen the notice for. Work is trying to make me forget the motorcycle.

Tony said...

Jack,

It's real... I paste herein Mac-Pac fledgling atitudinal proof:

Snip

Mr Jacobs,<<< (being polite as I've just joined the list and don't know if "Hey Shit head" is proper before I've been to one breakfast)

Are you the keeper of the Mac-Pac mugs I'm hearing about?

If so I'd be interested in getting my hands on one.

Thanks

Unsnip and the response...:

Yo - So let me get this straight, You want a mug and you are calling me "Shit Head".

Unsnip...

Sounds like a typical Mac-Pac greeting exchange to me...

I'm a fast learner.

TG

mtlcowgirl said...

Jack said:

(I have been married twice and living with pain comes naturally to me.)

Esteemed leader of the pack,

My Mack is one up on you: He has been married four times.

Pain squared.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Karen:

If a man hasn't learned after the third marriage, then he deserves whatever he gets in the fouth!

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Anonymous said...

What the hell, I see progress. Count the number of belt indentations showing signs of weight loss. Soon....well later, you will be thin and humorless. But just think how you will feel without the pains of arthritus. You will still have that Dick pain in your path of life.

bobskoot said...

Anonymous:

I LOVE DICK and I have never met him.

bob
bobskoot: wet coast scootin

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Bobskoot:

You have just left the door wide open. It is almost more than I can bear.

Fondest regards,
Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Anonymous:

The only person who could have left this comment (under the guise of remaining anonymous) is my old pal DucDude. Well your day is coming. Yes it is.

Fondest regards,
Jack

Anonymous said...

Oh, so I don't get to get Uncle Jim to break your kneecaps. Damn.

I guess I'll have to find some other entertainment for the summer.

;)

~Lauren

(By the way, I do have your picture 90% done, but I need the feedback I emailed you about to complete it.)

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Lauren:

I haven't been myself for weeks, thought I do try and put a good face on things. I'll look at all your old e-mail and get back to you. And I did look into the missing graphic as I said I would.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Allen Madding said...

reep,
I laughed until I almost pissed myself that anyone in their right mind would squeeze out so much cash for a Mac laptop when they could buy a brand new laptop for $800 that would serve quite well for writing purposes. But after all those years of being repeatedly raped by BMW for motorcycles, parts, farkles, and service, I am anything but surprised.

I am glad an engineer designed a proper step for you. I am greatly dismayed at the non-functioning click to enlarge on the cherry-pie photo, but again I wasn't greatly surprised.

Might I recommend buying a safety glow in the dark cane and attaching the "clapper" to it so when lost you can clap your mits and it will illuminate. I'm sure a fully qualified engineer could rig this device up to you in 4 or 5 years.

Thanks for posting. It's good to know that you haven't fallen in the hands of roadside bandits who might have disemboweled you at a rest stop.

A loyal reader.

-Peace

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Allen Madding:

But I don't just write. I use the Mac for a variety of things that will shortly include film editing and photo altering. Plus, I am carried on a number of other lists that cater to engineer BMW riders. These lists are filled with thrilling accounts of computer glitches these folks deal with on a regular basis.

I need a computer that functions flawlessly, time after time, takes a beating, and breaks down once every four years. I got the right one. My tech argued with me that I spent about $1300 more for a fully loaded model. Yup. Guilty as charged.

My girlfriend, who is loaded, always has better equipment than me. Not today. Plus, I think we are headed for really tough times. I had the money. But I don't know that I won't be totally unemployed anytime soon now. At least I have new tires on the truck and the bike, and a red hot computer on my desk to get me through the next year or too.

I have only used Apples. The frustration of working on anything else aggravates me to the point where I can't work at all. Amazing huh?

There is another Cheri Pie pic in that slot now. And it does expand on my machine with one click. Then again, this is an Apple.

My last metal folding can broke yesterday. I replaced with a folding carbon fiber one, with flames on it, like the model used by "House." It sucks. I don't know why I bough it. I did buy one with a headlight on it for a former spouse, who's in worse shape than I am.

Fondest regards,
Jack "reep" Toad

Allen Madding said...

reep,
I speak for all mankind when I say we greatly appreciate the updated pic of cherry pie :)

I'm sure your girlfriend still has better equipment than you do :)

Keep pressing on, don't let the pittfalls in your path deter you.

-Peace

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Allen:

Thank you for the kind sentiment. Nothing will stop me, unless of course something does. My family motto is, "They said it couldn't be done... So we said 'Okay, the hell with it.'"

Conchscooter said...

I would suggest police dispatching as it seems fairly recession proof. Of course you have to learn how to ignore your feelings and confirm warrants that may send someone down for ten years for smoking a joint, but there again a regular paycheck, a defined benefit pension plan and health insurance ( that the unemployed and nearly unemployed don't care to reform) makes the rest of it pale into insignificance. I was worrying about the economy in 2004 when I applied to KWPD and have been grateful ever since that they gave me a home. I hate where we are headed as a nation and wish articulate people like you would post something that brings some reality to ten percent unemployment and bankers still getting bonuses in front of our faces. Sigh. Self reliance will kill us off one by one. That and television.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Conch:

I actually do post articulate and logical rants regarding the disintegration of society as we know it, but I post then in a cornor of a Mac Pac list, where such things are expected and even encouraged.

Drop me a note sometime to my personal email JPRiepe@aol.com and I'll send you one. My next career will be very different. It will be something I like without reservation... A piano player in a whore house, or the organ grinder for Congress.

Fondest regards,
Toad

chessie said...

I'm glad you came to Gray...and my home (Johnson City)...because if you hadn't of blogged about it...I would never have found your amusing and wonderful way of writing...

I'm hooked...

Anonymous said...

The gods tempt people for which they are most weak. Artificial Intelligence will create desire in people's minds for the following sins:::
1. Alcohol
2. Drugs
3. Preditory "earning"
4. Homosexuality
5. Gambling
6. Something for nothing/irresponsibility (xtianity)
7. Polygamy/superiority over women/misogyny (Islam)
Much like the other prophets Mohhamed (polygamy/superiority over women/misogyny) and Jesus (forgiveness/savior), the gods use me for temptation as well. In today's modern society they feel people are most weak for popular culture/sensationalism, and the clues date back to WorldWarII and Unit731:TSUSHOGO.
It has been discussed that, similar to the Matrix concept, the gods will offer a REAL "Second Coming of Christ", while the "fake" Second Coming will come at the end and follow New Testiment scripture and their xtian positioning. I may be that real Second Coming.
What I teach is the god's true way. It is what is expected of people, and only those who follow this truth will be eligible to ascend into heaven as children in a future life. They offered this event because the masses have just enough time to work on and fix their relationship with the gods and ascend, to move and grow past Planet Earth, before the obligatory xtian "consolation prize" of "1000 years with Jesus on Earth" begins.

Your job as a future mother is to learn the god's ways and to help your child understand despite the negative reinforcement and conditioning of today's society. Without consciousous parents the child will have no hope, and may even exaserbate their disfavor by becoming corrupted in today's environment.
Your ultimate goal is to fix your relationship wiith the gods and move on. You don't want to be comfortable here, and the changes in Western society in the last 100 years has achieved just that.
1000 years with Jesus is the consolation prize. Don't be deceived into thinking that is the goal.

The Prince of Darkness, battling the gods over the souls of the Damned.
It is the gods who have created this environment and led people into Damnation with temptation. The god's positioning proves they work to prevent people's understanding.
How often is xtian dogma wrong? Expect it is about the Lucifer issue as well.
The fallen god, fighting for justice for the disfavored, banished to Earth as the fallen angel?
I believe much as the Noah's Flood event, the end of the world will be initiated by revelry among the people. It will be positioned to be sanctioned by the gods and led for "1000 years with Jesus on Earth".
In light of modern developments this can entail many pleasures:::Medicine "cures" aging, the "manufacture" of incredible beauty via cloning as sex slaves, free (synthetic) cocaine, etc.
Somewhere during the 1000 years the party will start to "die off", literally. Only those who maintain chaste, pure lifestyles will survive the 1000 years. They will be the candidates used to (re)colonize (the next) Planet Earth, condemned to relive the misery experienced by the peasantry during Planet Earth's history.
If this concept of Lucifer is true another role of this individual may be to initiate disfavor and temptation among this new poulation, the proverbial "apple" of this Garden of Eden. A crucial element in the history of any planet, he begins the process of deterioration and decay that leads civilizations to where Planet Earth remains today.

Only children go to heaven. By the time you hit puberty it is too late. This is charecteristic of the gods:::Once you realize what you have lost it is too late.
Now you are faced with a lifetime to work and prepare for your next chance. Too many will waste this time, getting stoned, "Hiking!", working, etc.