Monday, December 6, 2010

Humor With Balls —




Humor With Balls —

The Best Christmas Gift Anyone Could Ask For


Outside of a motorcycle, nothing defines character, rugged individualism, and contempt for the conventions of society like smoking a great cigar. Yet the cigar-smoking elite mask their behavior with ostentatious ritual, unwieldy traditions, and bizarre paraphernalia designed to confound lesser Alpha dogs.This outraged author Jack Riepe, who lit his first cigar in the third grade, after first asking Sister Helen Brimstone for a light from hers.



Above: The funniest book on specialized human behavior, 30 chapters, 178 pages


In Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists, Riepe puts cigar-smoking in perspective, and relates it to love (getting laid), making romance last (how to pretend to listen), and the manly arts (hunting, fishing, spitting, and public speaking). Critically acclaimed, this book improves the quality of at least one life with every sale.*


Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists is more than just the funniest damn book ever written about cigars. It's a unique perspective on romance, politics, economics, science and America's hottest new trend -- cigar smoking. Winner of the Wilmington Institute of Holistic Dry Cleaning's prestigious “Golden Hand Grenade Award” (for advice on relationship building in third and fourth marriages), this book offers a rare insight into subhuman nature. Author and humorist Jack Riepe spared neither himself, nor anyone else, in a desperate bid to tell his side of 30 outrageous stories.


Plus this book answers the lingering questions that plague day-to-day living...


Chapters 1 & 5: The Link Between Motorcycles, Cigars, and Romantic Encounters

Chapter 12: Making an Exit When The Babe Dumps You For Some Other Loser

Chapter 14: Guaranteed Strategies For Getting That “Special” Father’s Day Gift

Chapter 15: Guaranteed Household Chore Escape Techniques

Chapter 22: Taking The Human Sacrifice Out Of The Cigar Lighting Ritual

Chapter 30: Clever Responses to “Why Don’t You Put That Out?”


This book comes with a Million Dollar Guarantee!

If you don’t like it, send the author $1 Million Dollars...

And he will rewrite it any way you like — Guaranteed!


On The Investment Nature Of This Book:


It is a well-known fact that objects d’art and books increase in value when the artist or author dies. Now Jack Riepe is feeling pretty good at the moment, but at the rate former wives and elected officials would like to kill him, it’s just a matter of time before your modest expenditure on Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists becomes a profitable investment.


Offered at $25 (plus $3 S&H) — With a Bonus Personalized Gift Autograph!

Not only a great gift, but great holiday sentiment too!


If you plan to give a copy of this soul-healing book to a spouse, lover, close friend, riding buddy, or someone who threw you a fast pop at closing time, the author will autograph it and include a warm personalized message from you to the recipient at no extra charge!


Example: Breg Dickstein has ordered a book for his friend Bobby Heaver. Riepe might write: Dear Bobby Heaver — Dick Bregstein says all you’ve been reading is diet books since they used the “Jaws of Life” to pull the Harley out of your ass. Here is one book dealing with the joy of excess, without the calories.


Best Wishes,

Jack Riepe


Order two books at $45 ($6 S&H), and get one autographed to yourself!


Now you can buy copies on Amazon (new ranging in price from $43 to $160, and used from $14 bucks), but the sale of each book purchased directly from the author goes toward women met in bars, gas for his bike, cheap cigars and Irish whiskey. In essence, it’s a stimulus package.


To Order:

Email your full name and address to jpriepe@aol.com, plus a phone number (very important if you are ordering a personalized gift copy). Mark the e-mail: Cigar Book Christmas Gift -- Rush. Indicate if the book is a gift for yourself or a gift.


If you are ordering a gift copy, include the full name of the recipient, plus a line or two about the individual. (ex: He rides a Harley; She sucks at golf; He smokes cigars like a chimney; He reads Twisted Roads all the time;) Spelling is critical, make sure you get it right.


Books are shipped with an invoice, (I trust bikers) and come with an enclosed, pre-stamped, addressed envelope. (Shipped to US and Canada only, sorry. Payment is in US dollars.)


Please be advised that Jack Riepe is a paranoid prick and would never share, or sell, consumer information.

* The author’s.


20 comments:

Anonymous said...

This book made my man a great lover... A true Alpha Dog... And the kind of guy who could say, "Shut the hell up, you old bag, to my mother (his mother in-law), and make it sound like a Valentine.

I read it to him aloud at night, again and again.

Sincerely,
"Cheri Pie" Latitz

Woody said...

Dear Sir,

You left out Chapter 31: To whom do you send your Social Security Number
when you win the Magyarorszag Lottery?

Regards,
Szendrey

Anonymous said...

You can stroke my cigar anytime big boy.
Your friend
Bear
on stage at the 801
Key West

Camelott said...

This book made a man out of me... unlike any other book discussing sucking on large round objects. Really... I liked the book!

Cantwell said...

Dear Jack,

I'd send you my copy so I could have it autographed, but I need it to hold up the corner of my desk.

Sincerely,
Michael

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Szendry:

I am also selling tickets in the Magyarorszag Lottery. How many do you want? (I feel lucky.)

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad
Twisted Roads

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Bear:

Mosey on over to Ram Rod Key. Flash your lights at the canal three times and bend over the ornamental lawn sculpture commemorating the pinnacle of British motorcycle/vacuum cleaner perfection. You think gerbils are cool... Dream of iguanas.

Fondest regards,
Jack • ®eep • Toad
Twisted Roads

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Camelott:

This had to come from my friend Dave. Thanks Pal. We are riding to the Horseshoe Curve this summer.

Fondest regards,
Jack ®eep • Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Michael (Cantwell):

Leslie said to me tonight, "I could use some real help with the Christmas tree. Could Michael ride down here from Lake Placid tomorrow? He's clever."

I didn't tell her how you advanced global warming in the Adirondacks by starting your bike, advancing the throttle, and going off to take a dump. "Clever is as clever does," my Grandma used to say.

Fondest regards,
Jack • ®eep • Toad

Cantwell said...

Dear Jack,

Your Grandma was a wise man.

Sincerely,
Michael

Steve Williams said...

I want to be an Alpha dog. Expect my email request with address. I understand if you won't extend trust to a Vespa rider. I did spit on a BMW car once. Does that count?

Steve Williams
Scooter in the Sticks

RichardM said...

Wow, a whole new side to Steve Williams emerges. That must have been some wild weekend ride on that Triumph Sprint sport bike.

Richard

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Mike:

She's still alive (in a zombie-like manner of speaking) anmd she wants to talk to you.

Fondest regard,
Jack • reep • Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Steve:

I have a book ready to go in a minute... But I might be out of tee shirts. You'll be getting your order one way or the other soon. The cigar book is likely to bring out the Visigoth side of you... Next thing you know, you'll be eating weiner schnitzel for breakfast.

Thanks for the book order.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Richard:

Steve has become a "dedicated Twiated Roads reader." This is what happens.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Steel said...

This book is the finest coaster for my scotch glass that I have ever found. I'm thinking of getting a second copy to use to level the dinner table.

Cantwell said...

Oh dear :|

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Steel:

Better order quick — they're going fast. There is nothing on the level about you at all. I haven't heard from you in ages. How have you been?

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

BMW-Dick said...

Dear Jack:
This is one of the funniest books I ever read - even the sad parts. Given the political climate in this country and the anger that rages among the proletariat, your book should be a "must give" Christmas gift - the smile in everyone's Christmas stocking. I may have to buy another copy, because the copy in the bathroom is running out of pages.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Dick:

Thank you for your kind comments regarding my cigar book. Soon I will begin the final stages on my motorcycle book, and you will become a star.

I was interviewing some people last week, regarding their impressions of the last BMW rally they attended. One of my questions was, "What three words do you remember most frommthe rally?" The most common response was, "That bastard Bregstein..."

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad