In A Letter To An Elite Group of Riders...

In a letter to an elite group of riders (who read Twisted Roads for highly technical moto advice and for tips in complex relationship-building with beautiful women), a BMW R75/6 rider of my acquaintance writes:

“There are few thing in life more satisfying than changing the oil on one’s motorcycle. It is as rewarding as making love to a woman for the first time, and hitting the ‘G-spot’ right out of the gate. Yet it has none of the apprehension associated with the challenge of the later event, unless you are planning on riding off at the crack of dawn, in which case the challenge is inversely proportional to the stealth of your departure.

The R75/6 in question...

“Changing the oil on a motorcycle as elegant as a BMW R75 is less of a chore and more of a spontaneous expression of the soul. While I don’t often do it myself anymore, having reached a point in my life  where I can attain the same degree of nirvana by watching a skilled technician go through the motions for a mere $95 per hour, I occasionally spend an hour or two in the garage, running my hands over the surgically precise tools and finally crafted implements that made this task into a ritual of love. The quality and preservation of one’s tools are indicative of the respect and affection he, or she, has for the motorcycle. Quite frankly, the hours spent in purchasing these tools, or crafting them yourself, constitutes part of the overall motorcycle experience that may be being denied a younger generation of riders (those under 70), who buzz around on S.Q.U.I.D. bikes, accompanied by world-class lingerie models glued to the pillion.

“The collection and preservation of these tools, and related materials, are the history of the motorcycle itself. On a recent trip to the garage (during which I seasoned the exterior of the R75 with aroma of a fine cigar, that costs as much today as a decent tire back in 1978), I came across a quart of the requisite Castrol 20/50. (Please refer to the photograph below.)

Oil gets better with age... Why else is it in the ground?

If you look closely, the price tag reads "Caldor,” and is valued at 99¢. I bought this in 1986, thinking, ‘If the cost of oil continues to rise at the current rate, my wife is going to have to get another job.’ Now some of you are wondering, ‘Why the hell is he holding onto a quart of oil  that is now 26-years-old?’ The answer is simple... If oil reaches maturity buried deep within the ground, where it is exposed to all kinds of dirt and impurities, just imagine how potent it becomes when allowed to age in a nice, clean bottle, lovingly cherished in a climate-controlled garage. My financial advisor claims the cash value of this motor oil has increased 260 percent. That makes this bottle of oil more valuable than stock in MF Global.

Explained below.

“Yet as to the actual process of changing the oil in an incredibly rare, immaculate R75/6, I wouldn't be without this 3 foot section of lead pipe and hammer. Insert the non-business end of the drain plug hex wrench into one end of the pipe and apply maximum force to the other end of the "fulcrum" to loosen the plug. When this fails and you realize you've actually been tightening the plug,  then grab the hammer and beat the shit out of the pipe (in the correct direction this time) until it "unfreezes". Occasionally, this will require a bigger hammer.

Explained below.

“Either or both of these wire tools are necessary to remove the filter. They may look like they have been fashioned from plain old coat hangers, but they are actually special order items from a famous manufacturer of German motorcycles. The logo of this company, invisible in this photo, ensures that you paid three times what they are worth.  Oh, and once you remove the filter, check twice to make sure both rubber washers (one on either end of the filter) have also been removed. Getting these o-rings out is like handling the lubricated rim of a lover’s diaphragm. (Do not attempt to use similar wire tools to remove a woman’s diaphragm. It will seem like a really good idea at the time, but you have to trust me on this one.)

The Mark of a man who changes his own oil...

“Installing a new filter  with new washers, with an old washer stuck in place,  is guaranteed to screw up the rest of your day (not to mention the embarrassment when a tech at your local BMW shop explains what you did wrong). There is nothing more  humiliating than to arrive at the diner or bar to discover your R75 is leaking as much oil as Harley-Davidsons and Triumphs of the same era. Real riders change their own oil, at least once. There is no greater satisfaction than to wash up, grab a beer, and return to the garage to admire your beautiful machine, only to notice that regardless of whatever you put under the pan, oil will spill onto the garage floor or driveway. It will still be quashy two days later, when you put your boot in it, slip, and drop the bike.”

Respectfully submitted
Gluepot Pete
Amish Curse, PA


Twisted Roads reader Ray Woods (a Yamaha rider from Atlanta) wtites:

My friend's brother Jeff rode his "new" 1995 BMW R1100 RS up from Savannah to visit. He had been an avid Motor Company rider and was still wearing his Harley-branded half-helmet and red-white-and blue "USA" leather jacket.  He was showing off his new acquisition (for which he had traded a boat) and to give credit where credit is due, he got a great deal on a bike that looked showroom new.

Ray Woods's Brother's friend "Jeff" on his previous Harley

We were teasing him about being a former Harley rider.  I pointed out that the BMW and the Harley are somewhat similar in that they both are air-cooled twin cylinder machines.  Then I hit him with, "It's just that as he got older, his preference was for jugs that sagged outward!"

Ray Woods on his Yamaha FJR 1300. He is now 30 pounds lighter and wears a smaller hat.

Respectfully submitted,
Ray Woods
Atlanta, GA




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