Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Taking The Guesswork Out of Motorcycle Selection

The author and publisher of Twisted Roads — Jack Riepe — was injured in a domestic issue this past weekend, and unable to meet the Monday deadline for his blog. His significant other walked in on him while he was applying Teflon spray to a snow shovel. In response to her inquiry as to why he was doing that, Riepe said, “To make it easier for you to shovel out my truck, and the rest of the driveway.”

When he regained consciousness, emergency room doctors claimed they had never seen a snow shovel shoved that far up anyone’s ass. Twisted Roads resumes this week with Thursday’s blog posted a few hours earlier. We regret the delay. The winner of the Big Jim Cookie Drawing will be announced in a special addendum on Friday, February 4, 2011.

Moto -journalists and biker columnists the world over are often confronted with letters from readers claiming that some particular brand of motorcycle (many belonging to marques with distinguished reputations for, speed, comfort, and long-distance capability) are overrated and actually painful to ride. Some riders claim their machines have even humiliated them at crucial moments. The pain generally stems from an unusual seat configuration or a radical motorcycle design, while the humiliation is a byproduct of the machine’s inability to meet a rider’s expectations. (The mental anguish caused by a motorcycle’s inability to go from zero to 85 in 2.5 seconds, or its limited capacity to run for 85 miles without breaking down, or its reluctance to pass a Segway on a long hill is well documented, and can easily translate into a steady throbbing in one’s temples or a constant pounding in the balls.)

In reality, the problem is generally not with the bike but a poor match between the rider and the machine. One rider of my acquaintance (a man from New Jersey) is between 96 and 104-years-old and struggling with dementia. He just bought a Ducati 1198, and complained that the machine made him feel like a “monkey humping a watermelon.” His primary motivation in purchasing the motorcycle was largely one of image. He wanted a bike that looked good enough to get him laid at the nursing home, where some of the dollies will accept one last tickle — from a biker — on their way to the cemetery.

Another guy I know, an insurance actuary in his late forties (who has never been laid), and lived in a trailer with his free-ranging parakeets. He bought a Ural, thinking a motorcycle with a hack rig would be a great introduction to the cool life of a biker, while reducing the potential for stoplight and parking lot drops. His complaint was that the neighborhood kids threw rocks at him and the hot-looking divorcee in the trailer next door once dropped a bag of garbage in his sidecar.

These riders relentlessly blamed their machines for failing to meet their expectations; one for the design of the bike because it obviously challenged his physical limitations, and the other because the motorcycle did not appreciably alter his social status. Both of these gentleman are of limited means and did not have the option of simply trading in their motorcycles at a loss. Each called me looking for advice. After studying their circumstances, my recommendation was that they should switch bikes!

The aged Ducati rider found the Ural perfectly suited to his needs. He stopped falling off the bike and reported a 100 percent drop in sore throats as he no longer has to yell himself hoarse waiting for an attendant to pull the machine off him. His social life has improved as his “dates” no longer have to remember to hang on, a big deal for folks who struggle with recognizing their own names from one hour to the next. And the tub-like nature of the sidecar often catches their dentures when the rig hits a bump in the road.

The real turnabout came with the actuary, however. He has become the role model for the kids in the neighborhood, and ended up drilling the hot-looking divorcee within 24-hours of taking the Ducati’s keys. He told the insurance company to shove the actuary’s job and locked the parakeets in the trailer with an owl. He is now an agent for the hottest showgirls in Las Vegas and goes under the name of “Studley Steele.”

There is a lot to be said for finding a motorcycle that matches your physique, your psyche, your riding style, and your expectations. Yet most bike purchases — especially the first one, either as a new rider or as a re-entry rider — are an act of compromise, reached through an expensive half-assed trial and error process. Usually only one or two points of the key criteria are addressed.

Though this is the way motorcycles have been acquired for generations, a far more scientific approach now exists. Developed by Dr. Albert Hissingaz, director of research at the Wilmington Institute of Hollistic Dry Cleaning, the new process couples the power of a supercomputer with an in-depth questionnaire to determine the perfect bike for a specific individual.

“Never before have riders been able to harness the incredible power of a supercomputer to help riders choose a motorcycle so tightly dovetailed to their riding style, personal preferences, and mental image,” said Hissingaz. “The Advanced Motorcycle Selection Process (AMSP) starts with completing a comprehensive questionnaire that has been developed by human behaviorists trained in two-wheeled para-psychosis and sideshow hypnosis. This data is then run through a Cray 1200, which conducts more than 47,000 evaluations, covering a riders physical attributes, mental condition, and emotional awareness, before making a recommendation.”

Hissingaz explained that the AMSP project has been in development for over ten years, but was only recently completed when a federal agency tossed out a Cray 1200 in favor of an Apple MacBook Pro. “It was laying right there by the curb and we grabbed the damn thing before it started to rain,” he said. “From that moment on, we were able to crack the complex motorcycle-match code that lies hidden within every rider’s DNA.”

One last hurdle was presented by a team of psychologists who argued that a substantial degree of the motorcycle selection process depended on biker imprinting. Dr. C. Mentos Smith claimed that if a rider was introduced to the lifestyle by BMW riders, that individual would most likely adopt the attributes of a BMW rider. Yet if another rider were introduced to the road by Harley-Davidson devotees, then that person would most likely become a Harley rider. “It is like what happens when a human attempts to raise ducklings without the birds’ natural mother,” said Smith. “The baby ducks accept the presence of the human, and begin to follow that person around, even in the company of other adult ducks.”

There appears to be some truth in this matter.

A crack team of Twisted Roads editors secured a baby duck and sequestered it with a bunch of Harley riders. Within six months, the duck was drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and riding a Sportster. The duck went on to get a fat boy, lead a gang, and kick the shit out of MV Agusta riders on general principle. I last saw it in a bar, walking a pit bull on a leash. The duck ran up an $80 bar tab. When the bartender tried to collect it, the duck said to him, “Put it on my bill, asshole.”

Taking imprinted motorcycle behavior into account, the psychologists developed a questionnaire that targets a rider’s psyche, bringing the id and the ego together in the showroom, sidestepping the trial and error method of find the perfect bike. Now, for the first time ever, Twisted Roads has arranged for the Wilmington Institute Of Holistic Dry Cleaning to present our readers with the questionnaire, and to evaluate each set of answers — absolutely free. Please read the questionnaire below, choose your answers carefully, submitting the results in the commentary section that follows. Submit only the letters that correspond to your answers. (For example, 1A, 2A, 3C, etc.) The recommended bike for you will appear in an answer from the author within 24-hours.

The Questionnaire:

1) When taking a morning ride, your destination is most likely:

a) Another continent

b) To the WaWa, Dunkin Donuts, Sheetz, or other gas station (within 11 miles) where you will have coffee, polish the chrome, and stand around looking tough, before repeating the process three more times that day.

c) Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house

d) A quaint little coffee house that has fairly current European newspapers and organic raison cookies, about 40 miles from home.

2) When taking a long weekend run, the first thing you want on the back is:

a) Nothing that would impede my bike from a 46° degree lean, on a tight curve, at 84 miles per hour. (Besides, my girlfriend has her own bike.)

b) Tattooed pillion candy who can rest her hooters on my shoulders to keep my eyeballs from vibrating out of my head.

c) A cocker spaniel in a special kennel that has its own stereo and DVD player.

d) A “Kindle” loaded with the complete works of Willa Cather, A Cultural Guide To Amish Quilts, and “How To Say ‘Hello, It’s Great To Meet You’ in 75 Languages.”

3) When thirsty:

a) You sip lemon flavored water from a tube that leads to a container on the back, precluding you from having to stop more than once every 500 miles, or roughly the equivalent of a tank of gas.

b) You must have an ice cold beer in the skull of your vanquished enemies.

c) You look for an old fashioned ice cream soda, from one of those places next to an antique mall, where you can get your picture taken wearing period clothing.

d) Your preference is for unsweetened ice tea, in a place where no one will ask you questions about your ride, handy to a recycling receptacle for your cup.

4) When stopping for the day:

a) You are not particular, as long as the hotel has a decent restaurant featuring fresh dungeness crab, 7 IPAs on the bar list, 24-hour room service, and waitresses in the breakfast area competing for top prize in a lingerie modeling contest, in addition to free wireless connections that are three times faster than light.

b) You prefer the campground that is off the road, in an area avoided by the local police, where the only rules prohibit human sacrifice and taking a shit in the drinking water.

c) You really don’t care as you are towing a pop-up camper with a bidet, a billiard table, an observatory, and a foldout leather couch.

d) You look for a bed and breakfast with a nice room where you can fall asleep looking at your parked bike, and wake up pretty much the same way.

5) When gearing up for a ride, you:

a) Wear full ballistic gear capable of containing a shotgun blast through the crotch, or full racing leathers with a six-inch diameter leather porthole for uncoiling the apparatus when taking a piss.

b) Wear leather vest and an armor-plated cod-piece to protect the only irreplaceable part of your body.

c) Step into highly fashionable Bermuda shorts and a shirt with a pocket to hold your mentholated cigarettes.

d) Choose a complete ensemble from LL Bean, including a classic Allagash/Moose River motorcycling necktie, with matching handkerchief (with micro-stitching for removing bugs from your LL Bean sunglasses).

6) Upon reaching the Grand Canyon:

a) You have sex with your partner, standing up, still wearing your leathers or ballistic gear, because you plan to have sex again in the warm Pacific, 5 hours later.

b) You take a piss over the canyon’s rim while your buddies video the whole thing for YouTube.

c) You immediately look for 50 other bikes with pop-up campers so you can exchange pictures of your garden back home with other riders.

d) Your view of the canyon is marred by worry about that strange fucking noise you hear (like marbles in a can) whenever you give the bike the gas. (Ducati riders please choose alternate answer below.)

e) Your view of the canyon is undisturbed because you remembered to pack extra cylinder heads and a starter motor.

7) You are in trouble for taking a leak and leaving the toilet seat up:

a) You respond by taking a piss in the kitchen sink.

b) You respond by taking a piss in the kitchen sink, but first removing the dinner dishes.

c) This question does not apply to you because your bike has a urinal in the side bags.

d) You fall to your knees to beg forgiveness and agree to wear a toilet seat around your neck for a week, in addition to promising to sit whenever you piss for the rest of your life.

8) When pulled over by a cop who says, “I waited all morning for you,” your response is:

a) “I tried to get here as fast as I could.”

b) “I used to butt-fuck a guy about your size in prison.”

c) “Well officer, I didn’t want to be late for the weekly Rotary lunch.”

d) “Yes sir. I was speeding... And my inspection sticker is overdue too.”

All answers are strictly confidential, until the results are published in the "TW" comments section. If you are absolutely delighted with your motorcycle, recognizing its precise balance of power, speed, and comfort — plus it’s ability to get you laid about 99% of the time — please check the most appropriate answer below.

9) Optional -- I have no complaints because:

a) I ride a BMW K75, or other BMW, so no further explanation is necessary.

b) I ride a Harley Davidson, so fuck you and all your smart-assed facts.

c) My Goldwing feels really good on my hemorrhoids.

d) The Vespa is highly underestimated as the perfect metrosexual statement.

e) Someday my bike may be regarded as “iconic” too, but for now, I’ll settle for a copy of one of the above trendsetting four.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2011


Anonymous said...

Dear Sir,

This is a true story and I would swear on a stack of “Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists”. It is really a true story. Sad, but true.

Years ago, just a few months after taking delivery of a new BMW R80ST, a friend came to visit with his *smokin’ hot* authentic German girlfriend. Did I mention she was really hot and from Germany?

The girl spoke very broken English and when I proudly showed her my new bike, I was fully anticipating that she would drop my friend like a hot potato and want to have wild sex with me on the spot.

After looking at the bike, she smiled warmly at me and said

“Ve have a saying back in Germany about BeeMV (how the Germans pronounce BMW’s). Ve call them, how you say? Old Man’s Bike”

I hate that bitch to this very day.

Stacy said...

I'll play.

7e (I've never gotten in trouble for taking a leak, but if I did, I'd piss on the back tire of my partner's "premium" motorcycle.)

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Woody:

As you are undoubtedly aware, a true "believer" is never swayed by the criticism of a stunningly beautiful woman, because no matter how you initially feel, she is someone else's pain in the ass now.

Some guy got her into the sack, found out she wears leather panties, and got the shock of his life when she tickled his balls with the flick of a riding crop saying, "Actung baby." I have a lot of experience with women from Eastern Europe. I still wake up screaming in a cold sweat.

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads and for sharing a bit of your biker humiliation. Your name was added to the Big Jim Chocolate Chip Cookie drawing.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Stacy:

Getting a note from you is like finding the dial was set on "high" for my last electro-shock therapy. Here is the report from the Wilmington Institute. What can I say, it's all automatic.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad
Twisted Roads

A) Subject: "Stacy"
B) Code name: "Pistol"

C) Subject initially treated this survey with mild disdain (common reaction), but got into it by question #2. Her answer to question #1 was intended to be cute, but her grandmother was originally from another continent.

Subject shows a penchant for high-speed on the dirt. The initial reccommendation is for a hand-built Harley-Davidson XR 750, good for speeds up to 120 mph on level dirt curves.

But the subject also shows a desire to ride long-distances on pavement (at high speeds), with the option of taking short cuts where no roads exist. The final recommendation is for a new BMW F800GS, or a used R1200GS Adventure, with an auxiliary gas tank. In either case, the BMW roundel should be removed and replaced with elegant lettering that reads "나는 오줌 프리미엄" Her bike should be painted black with deep red trim.

Unknown said...

1-D and the raisin cookies have nuts with the shells intact...(grandma's so cute when she forgets the little things! She also puts the toilet seat up, that's how it's supposed to be!)

2-A although I have seen it go as far as 84 degrees over and leave my ass there... Although it did manage to stop at the bar..

8-A but only after I went 3 counties, did I slow it down.. The knots on the noggin went away after six years..sorta

Cantwell said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cantwell said...

Dear Jack,



Ihor reluctantly, no - happily said...

You should have added my obvious response to each part of this survey, none of the above.
Saw an electric bike do 0 to 60 in one second last night on NOVA. Pogue didn't get to ride it however.
Don't have or want a motorcycle, AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!
See you this afternoon.

Unknown said...

Jack r:

1 a,b,c,d
2 a,b,c,d
3 a,b,c,d
4 a,b,c,d
5 a,b,c,d
6 a,b,c,d
7 a,b,c,d
8 a,b,c,d
9 a,b,c,d,e
10 g

As you notice I am very indecisive

Wet Coast Scootin

Dan Mckenzie said...

Ok, here goes:

2B (Hooters is the key...)
6B (Or if in a modest mood, in the
restroom sink, see below...)
7A (I'm not in trouble if she doesn't
catch me)

Can I keep Martha (1150GS), or do I
need a divorce?

Cy-clops said...

Dear Jack,

I politely request to know what Cantwell wrote. Then I would, more than likely, tell him to take a flying fucking leap into a mile deep crevass. And no, I'm not speaking of your ass.

Cantwell said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cantwell said...

Above post redacted by author(cantwell) to keep
Cy-clops guessing.


MattPie said...

1c, 2a (although properly designed luggage allows for a 46 degree lean angle), 3a, 4a (although a non-compound tent works too), 5a, 6a, 7e, 8d.

Nikos said...

1 Stoke on Trent
2 a brush to clean off the pigeon shit
3Cabernet sauvigon shaken not stirred
4 I never stop for days
5 I stuff old copies of the Churc Times Chronicle down my vest to keep warm
6 I get confused because I was trying to get to Stoke on Trent
7 Does not apply as Mrs Nikos enforces a strict sit on seat non tlerance of stnding peeing regime obsessive compulsive manic disorder syndrome
8 Hello sailor
9 a

Steve Williams said...

Dear Mr. Riepe,

I have trouble with tests and require accommodation due to my ADHD. The survey is made more difficult by sudden bursts of laughter. Do people really shit in their drinking water??

I had to look up metrosexual in Wikipedia. Then I had to walk out to the garage and look at the scooter. And right now I think I need to take a piss but I can't remember if I sit down or go in the sink...

So I had best not take the survey. There is comfort in being oblivious. Thank you for your hard work in this important area though.

Steve Williams
Scooter in the Sticks
Follow me on TWITTER

BeemerGirl said...

I wanna play too!


Though I didn't see any questions concerning after riding preferences of cognac and cigars!!

Love the questionnaire and glad they finally got that Cray working!


Jack Riepe said...

Dear Mike:

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads and for utilizing the Wilmington Institute of Holistic Dry Cleaning’s Advanced Motorcycle Selection Process. Your participation in this program — through Twisted Roads — validates our mission to represent bikers the world over, regardless of marque. Your results are below,

Jack Riepe
Publisher/Twisted Roads

A) Subject: Mike
B) Code Name: Predator

C) The subject was brutally honest, but may have answered some questions from the perspective of how he would like to be perceived, as opposed to his actual preferences. On questions emphasizing mechanical preferences, he indicated that speed and distance were critical to his selections. Yet in social preferences, his choices were on the reclusive side, more in keeping with behavioral traits common with lower horsepower bike riders.

Recommended bikes for this riding type are the Horex VR6 Roadster, for brute power and a unique riding experience, or a Honda PCX 125, to guarantee total anonymity in biking circles. One alternative might be the BMW concept scooter, which can best be described as “socially adept” for diplomatic circles, and with an 800 cc motor capable of sustaining cross-country performance.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Michael (Cantwell)

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads on a regular basis and for participating in our exciting new partnership with the Wilmington Institute of Holistic Dry Cleaning.

You chose the survey by-pass option, yet your answer indicated that you are emotionally even tempered, well-adjusted, with well-established objectives which suggest you ride with confidence, secure in your choice of a bike (and probably have a huge dick). This would suggest you ride a "vintage" BMW K75.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad
Twisted Roads

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Ihor:

We forwarded your troubling, emotion-driven response to the folks at the "Institute" anyway. They said you wrre the kind of person who would claim no interest in deer hunting (but have 9 kills in your last season), state a truck should be purely utilitarian (but get one with every option, including the electric windows and mirrors), and have no interest in a computer (but bang the shit out of one in the office.)

Therefore, they recommend you'll own a used Vespa, as soon as gas hits $4.25 a gallon, in June. At which point, you'll start cruising the main drag in Seaside Heights to look at hot summer asses in tiny bathing suits.

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads, and for commenting. (It was great having you over for dinner last night too.)

Fondest regards,
Jack Riepe

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Bobscoot:

Thank you for making Twisted Roads your motorcycling blog of choice for humor, raw adventure, and romance like broken glass. It was a pleasure to forward your data to the Wilmington Institue of Holistic Dry Cleaning. Their response was most intriguing.

I sincerely hope this data enhances your riding pleasure.

Fondest regards,
Jack Riepe

A) Subject: Bobscoot
B) Code Name: Flounder

C) The subject has difficulty coming to grips with certain elements of reality, and attempted to confound the evaluation process by failing to provide a definitive answer to any one question. Yet the partticipant faled to understand that this too falls into a clearly defined category of rider selection.

The perfect machine for this individusal is a bike that has the least noticeable carbon footprint, that can be easily hidden from view, and one that offers no level of intimidation to the rider or the non-riding public around him. The perfect choice for this rider is a "Honda Hobbit."

Nikos said...


I was so amused by the Honda Hobbit that I tried to replicate the result over here and took the liberty of running Bobskoot's responses through the Super Seven Babbage Mk 95 Supercomputer GTI here at Manchester University (where Turing actually invented the electronic computer), and my results came through as:

A) subject: Bobskoot

B) codename:Vespa

C) result: Yamaha Super Yodel - Ay - EEE - Oooo

at which point the electricity grid blew up and the Greater Manchester was plunged into darkness.

Finest keftedes, N

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Dan M.

Thank you for coming forward and participating in the joint venture between Twisted Roads and the Wilmington Institute of Holistic Dry Cleaning. This blog strives to go beyond the standard motorcycle line by offering exciting new and valuable reader benefits and services.

Your report is presented below.

Fondest regards,
Jack Riepe

A) Subject: Dan M.
B) Code Name: Stoat

C) The subject offered an interesting mix of answers, indicating a strange dichotomy of a need for power and speed, with a strong tendancy for public spectacle. The accommodation for well-endowed pillion candy (with hooters he could use as ear warmers) suggests the soul of a Harley rider with the heart of a BMM pilot.

The reccommendation is for a custom (NAKED) BMW K1200LT, which is capable of riding like a huge Harley Davidson cruiser, but in excess of 100 mph all day, without burning oil or getting hot. The LT (which stands for Light Truck) has the useless bulk of a cruiser but the upright posture and horsepower of a "K" bike.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Cy-Clops:

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads, the motorcycle blog for sophisticated and sensitive bikers. I'm not supposed to do this... But I know you and Cantwell are pretty much cut from the same mold, so he won't mind.

What he originially wrote was, "Whenever I take a shit, I flush twice to make sure it gets all the way to Ohio." Sometimes Mike just says the damnedest things... Whatever comes into his mind. This is often the case with K75 riders.

Now I know you will be thrilled by all this, and if you send me $5, I'll give you his home address, and his daily schedule, so you can surprise him on a blind curve.

I look forward to introducing you guys to each other at the BMW rally in Bloomsburg this summer.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Mr. Cantwell:

I decided to take the guesswork out of Cy-Clops's day. I told him what you initially wrote. I think we should do a Twisted Roads ride in bloomsburg, at least me, you, and Cy-Clops.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Home by Midnight, Ihor said...

I had a great time monopolizing the conversation last night. Sorry I forgot to leave the bottle of Boost and the Nite-Eyes Mini-Mag mouth piece. The used 2005 Canyon I'm stuck with has too many geegaws that I would gladly do without. The truck I want isn't being built, as our car culture caters to the lowest intellect among consumers. We'll just have to see what carnival side-show masquerades as your next set of wheels.

Do everyone a service and post the meatloaf recipe, it was scrumptious!!!!!!

Jack Riepe said...

Dear MattPie:

Thank you for espousing the Twisted Roads code and for participating in this landmark event. Your readership and loyalty is important to me, even if you do get behind DucDude and occasionally stab me in the back. LOL!

Your data was submitted to the WIHDC and your report is below.

Fondest regards,
Jack Riepe

A) Subject: MattPie
B) Code Name: Wet Burlap

C) With two exceptions, the subject's answers thrust this individual right up the narrow, tight category of BMW motorcycles. The rider clearly has a pre-occupation for speed, distance, and performance. Yet two of his answers temper this response with a kind of reticence one finds in church ushers.

This does not suggest a whole new category of bike, but a sub-category within the existing marque. The recommendation is for a BMW "R" bike, without any ostentatious farkle, even of the modest Teutonic practical kind. While the "R" bikes are capable of endlessly long-distances, at impressive speeds, they lack the aggressiveness, and raw sexuality of their "K" cousins.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Nikos:

Thank you for being a loyal Twisted Roads reader who fully grasps the international significance of my moto messages. Your participation in this social experiment has raised it to an all new level. I hope you are pleased with your test results.

Fondest Regards
Jack Riepe
Twisted Roads

A) Subject: Nikos
B) Code Name: Spotted Dick

C) This subject felt he had to come up with his own answers as the ones we provided were not specific enough to his nature; and that he thought being British-centric might provide him with additional options... And yet, this can also be read as a classic "fuck you" to the overall process. Not clear to many riders is that the response "fuck you" is equally valid and does indicate certain categories.

The fact that rider has chosen Stoke on Trent, a popular destination for connoiseurs of Spotted Dick, indicates he is challenged by rides of up to 60 miles. Also, the necessity for haing a special tool for the removal of pigeon shit is very telling. What collects pigeon shit to that degree? The answer: statues. So the bike of this subject's desire must move like a statue. This is proven when the subject says he never moves for days, yet his destination is barely 60 miles distant.

We suspect this subject keeps high-speed, heavily-armored motorcycles of a Teutonic marque as a character disguise, but secretly lusts after 1964 Triumph 650 TR6, which would meet all of the criteria.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Scooter In The Sticks (Steve):

I cannot thank you enough for your on-going dedication to Twisted Roads, and the life philosophy we advocate. Your support means a lot to me, and the thousands of editorial professionals who contribute to this work every week.

I can understand your desire to avoid public scrutiny in a social experiment of this nature... But we couldn't help noticing that each "D" labelled answer seems to fit you to a "T." Straight "D's" results in a Vespa, regardless of anything else you ride. Isn't that odd?

Thank you for your kind note. My goal is to educate, to enlighten, and to amuse. Sometimes I gt it right.

Fondest regards,
Jack Riepe

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Beemer Girl (Lori):

There was no measure to my gratification when I discovered that you were participating in this highly technical episode of Twisted Roads. A rider of your skill, your perception, and your expression — who lends her attention to this blog — is the highest compliment I hope to expect.

Your data was forwarded to the team at the WIHDG and your report appears below.

Thank you.

Jack Riepe

A) Subject: Lori
B) Code Name: Steel Cupcake

C) While the subject has a deep personal side with carefully defined aras of comfort, there is a "wild child" an inch beneath the surface that must be appeased. Regretably there is no compromise here and the solution calls for having at least two, or even three bikes.

The subject's response to the first two questions is almost certainly linked. The subject's destination should have current European newspapers. Germany is in Europe. The subject would carry an electronic version of a guide to Amish Quilts. The Amish are Pennsylvania Dutch, which is actually (you guessed it) German.

But her idea of fun is an ice cream soda, with a real "Leave-It-To-Beaver" fun activity like posing for an antiqued-photo. And she has a Freudian desire to have urinal in one of her side-bags. Her lawless side, however, screams for a fast getaway. The recommendation is for a Honda Goldwing and for a BMW S1000RR, which cn be carried on the Goldwing.

Allen Madding said...

1) None of the above
2) b
3) none of the above again
4) a
5) a
6) none of the above
7)a and/or b


Anonymous said...

I think you are right about imprinting like a duck. When I was about 15 I imprinted on a high school teacher's R69. I have never gotten that beautiful machine out of my mind!


redlegsrides said...

Mr Riepe:

Lets see what that fruity product you call a computer says, I say this knowing full well that said commentary will unduly influence the results.

Mind you, the choice made was the closest approximation of my real choice.


Question 9 requires the addition of an Airhead Beemer. Which would have saved me responding to 1-8.


Colorado Motorcycle Travel Examiner

Redleg's Rides

MikePeters said...

Dear Mr. Riepe,

My choice is none of the above, or 9F: I had a K75 and found it to be the most boring two wheeled appliance that I ever slipped between my legs. When I rode it I never got laid.

Now, with my much beloved Moto-Guzzi V11 Sport, I live a life of adventure and excitement, and smile almost constantly as I get laid all the time.

Since I own the perfect motorcycle for me, I have no need to use the services of the Wilmington Institute of Holistic Dry Cleaning’s Advanced Motorcycle Selection Process. However, seeing that there is a crying need such services, I will gladly repost this for all of my riding buddies who are not as fortunate as I am.

All the best,

gary5410 said...

I don't need to take the wife buys my motorcycles and gives them to me at Christmas! .....and they're always perfect.
Loved this comment...."Cray 1200 in favor of an Apple MacBook Pro" :-)

Gary Christman

BMW-Dick said...

Dear Jack:
This survey would be useless for me. I already know about my next motorcycle. The day is coming when Leslie calls to say, "Jack is gone. please get that piece of crap out of my garage, and take the motorcycle, too."

Chris said...

9W) one bike for each day of the week...

Since there is no perfect bike, I see the need to have at least five. The wife says there are room for at least two more in the garage, so feel free to send one along with my cookie.

Thanks in advance.

-Chris @ - year round riding in Minnesota

PS: my experience is that kids will throw rocks at each other for a chance to ride in a sidecar.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Mr, Madding:

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads, and for participating in this exciting new reader benefit. It is my pleasure to provide services, as least as valuable as this one, to dedicated, long-time Twisted Roads readers — like yourself. And I have no doubt how you will rush to apply the findings of the Wilmington Institure of Holistic Dry Cleaning to your daily riding life.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep Toad
Publisher/Twisted Roads

A) Subject: Allen Madding
B) Code Name: Mr. Rodgers

C) The subject avoided answering three questions, one of which pertained to the length of a ride, the other to a social situation stemming from a ride, and the third to a behavioral trait that is directly ride related. Yet these three issues are directly related to endurance. This generally means the rider is it soley for pure enjoyment... Neither hurried nor rushed; Neither pressured nor subject to criticism. Yet this inclination to be totally laid back is punctuated with a fair degree of contempt for the conventional. Some men see a sink as a place to wash their hands. This rider sees it as a form of potential expression.

It is our recommendation that this rider get a Harley Davidson Road King.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear SnickShift:

I was imprinted early-on on "69" too. It pretty much changed the focus of my entire life. Funny how that works, huh?

Thank you for reading Twisted Roads and for leaving a comment.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad
Publisher/Twisted Roads

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Charlie6 (Dom):

Thank you for putting your faith in the Twisted Roads partnership with the Wilmington Institute of Holistic Dry Cleaning to resolve your motorcycle ownership conundrum. As the publisher of this open-minded, unbiased biker blog I am delighted to offer you this free service in exchange for your support as a dedicated reader.

Thank you for reading this blog one more time, and for commenting.

Fondest regards,
Jack Riepe
Publisher/Twisted Roads

A) Subject: Charlie6
B) Code Name: Recoil

C) This subject indicated an overwhelming preference for performance and speed over myth-laden public perception; coupled with a strange overwhelming compulsion for self-flagellation on a mechanical level. His answers to behavioral questions fell strictly within the "Alpha Dog"category.

It is our recommendation he get a BMW K1600GT to experience alpha dog-ism at its highest level. This choice would provide him with a vibration-free, nuclear reactor of a touring bike, with speeds close to 170mph. To satisfy he his odd compulsion to punish himself forever, we sugest he also get a semi-vintage, three-wheeled machine, from a country whose mechanical talents are primarily focused on tractors and military aircraft.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Mike Peters:

Thank you for joining the Twisted Roads family of dedicated bikers, dedicated to long-distance exhilaration and two-wheeled hedonism. I am delighted to see that you are taking advantage of our partnership with the Wilmington Institute of Holistic Dry Cleaning to straighten out your current choice of a motorcycle. These are the moments we live for.

Fondest regards,
Jack Riepe
Publisher/Twisted Rosds

A) Subject: Mike Peters
B) Code Name: Guano

C) While you opted out of the survey through question #9, you submitted enough data to show you are laboring under several misconceptions. While the K75 can serve as character spackle for riders with limited social abilities, it cannot work miracles. And while you are claiming to be getting laid now, that just tells us that you have difficulty in discerning the difference between "getting laid," and "getting fucked."

We can see how riding the beautiful and delightfully continental Moto Guzzi would leave you ecstatic, however. Just having this precious jewel start must be like winning a lottery. Our recommendation is that you attend a BMW Rally, to see a sea of bikes that do not carry tools as ballast, nor as insurance for the return trip home.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Gary:

As they say in my neck of the woods, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Does your wife have a single sister? The closest I ever came to finding a bike at the foot of the Christmas tree, was having a significant other (girlfriend) who insisted I get a get a motorcycle when I was 52.

Thank you for reading Twiated Roads and for leaving a comment.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Dick (Bregstein):

The way my luck is going, you might as well sit by the phone. It will be warm enough tomorrow to work in the garage for a bit. It might actually warm the garage to have the door open tmorrow. I am planning to start the K75 for the first time in months. Evem with today's melt, the snow is still piled five feet high against the back fence.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad
Twisted Roads

Conchscooter said...

Its a gross pain in the ass not to be able to read this crap at work but the city of key west says no can do.
as to the answers it's pretty much mind your own fucking business (d on all of them except the clothing which is none of the above. who is ll bean anyway?).
Ps what is a snow shovel? I've got to go and load up on the sun block as there isn't a cloud in the sky and it's getting rather warm.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Chris (Luhman):

You raise an interesting point. If I could close my eyes and wish all the motorcycles I wanted into my garage, I'd need an 8-bay facility. In all seriousness, I would have at least four K75's in their various rare configurations. This would include my own, plus:
A K75 in the Krauser configuration
A K75 in the Sprint configuratation
A K75 in the Hannigan configurarion

And a K1600GT (new) because I think this will be another high-water mark in biking history, plus a 2003 K1200GT as I believe it is the best looking BMW ever made. I would own two Harley's because they are the embodiement of biking history. These would include a current model sportster (for running around) and a Road King Classic.

Finally, I'd want a Kawasaki W800.

You will forgive my Teutonic obsession, as I have long-since consumed the Kool-Aid.

Thanks for reading and for writimg in.

Fondest regards,
Jack • reep • Toad
Twisted Roads

gary5410 said...

As a matter of wife does have a single sister!

Gary Christman

BeemerGirl said...

Dear Jack!

Steel Cupcake! I Love It! Oilburner wants to paint it on my bike! The BMW R1200R bike, not any goldwing. However, I did discover over the weekend why my ice cream answers did qualify me for the Goldwing designation. I will take the S1000RR, tho. :)

-Steel Cupcake/Lori

Rob Haut said...

Jack, All A's for me.

BTW, there ain't a man alive who didn't take a piss in a sink at least once in his life.