Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Interim Blog Message...

New Twisted Roads stories are posted every Monday and Thursday...
To read the Monday, June 27, 2011 Twisted Roads story post, please click here.

To read the announcement regarding the recent literary scandal over Jack Riepe’s epic work Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists, please continue below.

Cigar Book Scandal Rocks Social and Literary Circles...
• Book's magic properties are disputed
• Many women think the author is a prick

Amish Curse, Pa (June 28) —
In a tearful statement to the world press, his family, and a number of former wives assembled for the occasion, the embattled author of Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists ended 11 years of rumor, and “came clean” about the book that redefined manly behavior. Jack Riepe today admitted that three of the more astounding characteristics attributed to the book are unsubstantiated.

Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists was never printed on paper made from the burial bandages of the Pharaoh Imohotep IV,” said Riepe, “And just holding the book will not channel the cosmic power of the god-kings of ancient Egypt into an individual’s hands.” The author also discredited claims that the book had cured athlete’s foot and prevented stale gasoline separation in motorcycle gas tanks over the winter.

“For all practical purposes, it has the physical properties of any other paperback book,” said Riepe. “These outrageous claims were always nonsense. I never said anything linking cigars to Imohoteo IV, athlete’s foot, nor the separation of lousy gas with ethanol. And I defy anyone to show me where I did.” Despite the author’s obvious passion and sincerity, these comments caused several of his former wives to snicker and even spit into the water pitcher on his podium.

When asked about bizarre reader claims that the book liberated men from the emotional enslavement of women, gave some a new direction in life, and even provided a few with raging four-hour, rock-hard erections, Riepe responded, “You’ll have to ask my readers. I am not the source of these statements, but I am proud to be associated with them.”

Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists is about life, love, cigars, science, nature, cigars, how to get what you want for Father’s Day, how to avoid household chores, cigars, and relationship building in third and fourth marriages, with an occasional story about cigars. “It was written for the man who thinks he knows who he is, and for the woman who intends to tell him otherwise,” said Riepe.

Many women were present for the announcement and a lot of them weren’t happy.

“The biggest mistake I ever made in my life was giving my husband of 12 years a copy of this book,” said Christie LeTart, a dental technician from Sioux City, NJ . “For six months he followed me around the house, reading aloud from that damn book. I eventually had to leave him, and he’s been lending that book to all his friends ever since.”

“The man in my life was gentle, sweet, and fully predictable. He read two chapters in that book, sat down at Thanksgiving dinner, and said to my mother, ‘Pass the salt and shut the hell up, you ugly bitch,’” said Constance Fonger, a professor of woman’s studies at Taughtlip University. “Now whenever I try tell him something he can do to improve his personality or his career, he just picks up the salt shaker and smiles.”

Not every women present regarded Riepe’s book as threatening, nor did all find its impact on men objectionable. “I was on the verge of telling my boyfriend, an accountant, that we were through, as the life and magic had gone out of our relationship,” said April Timmons, a lingerie model from Atlanta. “Then he read Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists. He bought a motorcycle, started pissing off the back deck, and got a new job as a steelworker. Yesterday, he told me he’d do all my friends within two days of us breaking up. I find this new side of him utterly fascinating.”

To some, the most shocking part of today’s announcement is that the global supply of this cigar book is running out, and may never be reprinted. Experts claim there are less than 2 cases of these books left, and most of these may be reserved for Riepe fans at the BMW MOA Rally in Bloomsburg, Pa, next month. Cigar aficionados, those who smoke only occasionally, and others with an appreciation of scalding humor — who want to own a cult book selling for as high as $187.26 in the collector’s market (Amazon) — should order their copies now.

For Only $25
plus $5 shipping and handling

To Order Your Copy of
Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists:

Email your full name, address, and phone number to:

Put: "Book Order" in the subject line
Each book is shipped with an invoice and a stamped, pre-addressed payment envelope. Write a check, and slip it in the mailbox.

To Order A Gift Book For Someone Else:

Email your full name, address, and phone number to:

Very Important:
Also include the gift book’s recipient’s full name, (First and Last), and tell me something about him. (He plays golf, he rides a motorcycle, he hunts, he smokes cheap cigars, tell me something.) Your name will be included in the inscription on the book.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2011


Steve Williams said...

Kim read the book first when it arrived. Maybe. I understand now why she grins when she holds up the salt shaker.

The book was read outloud a few evenings ago. Kim sat down with it to relax but after a chapter or two was laughing so hard that she couldn't relax.

I'm glad I bought a copy before the prices soared. And also proud to have a pre-run copy that does have magical powers.

Steve Williams
Scooter in the Sticks
Follow me on Twitter

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Scooter In The Sticks (Steve):

Thank you. It was damn nice of you to write this note.

One of the hardest things in life for me to do is not ask someome who has just bought my book if they liked it. The truly genteel, sophisticated folks who get my book are generally appalled. The elegant ladies most likely to subscribe to things like "Woman's Studies" think my sperm should be collected in its entirety, deep frozen, and left at an unmarked spot on the arctic wastes.

So I have always wondered what kind of a splash my cigar book made at Kim and Steve's homestead. Since you were so quiet about it, I just figured you were too good a sport to demand you money back. That Kim was laughing at loud at my stuff is one of the highest compliments I have ever been paid.

Once again, thanks.

Fondest regards,

Conchscooter said...

My copy is signed by somneone posing as Jack riepe.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Conch:

I thought you were in Italy?

Fondest regards,

Nikos said...


Is there a version that I can download onto my MP3 player?

best wishes from sun swept Britain

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Nikos:

Not yet... But the motorcycle book will be in a Kindle version.

Fondest regards,

Cantwell said...

Dear Jack,

I think your Cigar book should be read and recorded by Chris Wolfe. His accent would add just the right touch of exotic to make some of the stories believable.


garth said...

There is also an occasional reference to cigars. It's a unique perspective on romance, politics, economics, science and America's hottest new trend cigar smoking.


El Diente said...

Dear Jack,

I feel a copy of your book will change my life (probably). What is the possibility of you sending a copy overseas to England? Or perhaps a few copies and I could sell the remainder at a great profit.

Thanks, El Diente

Dan Mckenzie said...

I'd like to read it...really I would, but the $187.26 that Amazon wants for it seems a bit steep, especially with $3.99 shipping! I requested it in the Kindle version...

David said...

Jack I have some (slightly) used airhead parts to offer in trade for your "book" these include an original oil pan and the turn signal buzzer from /7.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear David:

I'm interested...But I hsve a $30 airhead part disposal trade-in fee that is pary of the deal. In fact, pay the fee, get the book, and fashion a small boat anchor out of the airhead parts.

Fondest regards,

Kat said...
This comment has been removed by the author.