Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Thoughtless Father's Day Gifts Lead To Chainsaw Massacres

• To read a comprehensive ride report dealing with the images that haunt the mind of moto-writer Jack Riepe, while rocketing along on a fine BMW motorcycle, please click here. While the story is humorous, it is also the tragic history of how beautiful women torture sensitive men in general, and Riepe in particular.

• To read a critical analysis of how thoughtlessly cheap Father’s Day Gifts will plunge thousands of hard-working, focused dads into a murderous depression, please read on. 

Disappointing Father’s Day Gifts Associated With Depression and Chainsaw Murders

Wilmington, NY, June 6 — A new study by the Wilmington Institute of Holistic Dry Cleaning (WIHDC) has determined that disappointing Father’s Day Gifts will plunge thousands of sensitive, normally focused men into the kind of depression that can easily lead to chainsaw massacres. According to a statement issued today by DR. Albert Hissingaz, Pfd., Fu, Chief Behavioralist for the renown WIHDC, ill-conceived Father’s Day gifts can easily push dads over the edge, compelling then to start up the chainsaw, especially where older teenagers are concerned.

“Shitty ties, stupid mugs, uselessly cheap tools, flatulence cushions, and $5 gift certificates toward the purchase of a Bentley are the kinds of Father’s Day tribute that inspire dad’s to chase the kids around the house with a growling chainsaw,” said Hissingaz. “Yet these are the gifts high-school and college-age adolescents can buy pre-wrapped,  within ten feet of a department store entrance, for $10 or $12. Their logic is that dad will be so grateful to get anything, he’ll be delighted with something that will end up in the trash less than two hours later.”

But dads are more sophisticated today, claims Hissingaz, responding best to gifts that display genuine forethought, while reacting savagely to a minimalist expressions of affection. The behavioralist cited a dad in upstate New York who continued to make tuition payments, service three cars, and cheerfully fork over the occasional cash advance just because he got a Father’s Day Gift that made him laugh. In contrast, a dad in Jersey City sold his two kids into slavery after receiving a hat that read, “World’s Greatest Dad,” for the third year in a row. 

Cheap Father's Day Insurance 
for $30 + $5 S&H

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Experts claim the safest bet for a Father’s Day gift is an autographed copy of Jack Riepe’s Politically Correct Smoking For Social Terrorists. Personally inscribed by the author, these first edition, tightly bound, 30-chapter books are the essence of laughter and a sound Father’s Day investment. In fact, smart dads simply order a copy for themselves, and bill the kids later. (Studies show that a majority of kids are employed by the time they are 34-years-old, and eventually have $35.)

Attention Moms: Don't let your kids give your husband one more reason for selling them into slavery, walling them up in the basement, or signing them up for a cult. Please follow the directions below...

Books ordered for Father’s Day will be shipped by Monday, June 11th, first class mail (Priority) USPS. To order:

Email me at
• Just indicate “Cigar Book Order” in the subject line!

• Tell me if the book is for you or for a Father’s Day recipient
• If a gift, tell me the first and last name of the recipient, plus something about them... (i.e. If they ride a motorcycle, play golf, fly fish, or paint by numbers)
• Include your name, address, and telephone number.
• Send no money... Books will be sent with a post-paid envelope and an invoice.

• Order as soon as your read this... Autographed, authorized copies are about to pass out of print. 


• Mucca Fignotti (North Bergen, NJ) Giving my dad this book last year bought me 12 months of peace and quiet about getting a job, and sneaking my girlfriend into my room.

• Steve LaDoucher (Feed Lot, IA) I gave my dad a pre-wrapped tool for $6 bucks last Father's Day. Two days later, I woke up chained to a post in fucking Sudan. Don't let this happen to you.

• Cheri Pie Debris (Brass Pole, NM) I didn't even know my husband owned a chainsaw.... Should have bought the book.

• Brian "Stooey" Bastage (Willaby, NY) I bought my dad this cigar book, and he bought me a BMW S100RR. What a sweet deal!

Results are not typical... You are likely to experience something similar to an appreciative dad or husband, however.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2012
All rights reserved


Steel said...

I can attest to the quality and craftsmanship of this book! After 3 years of service as a coaster for my scotch glass, my copy is now keeping my end table level. It never complains.

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Steel (Steve):

At least your copy isn't in the bathroom, minus several pages. I hve decided to write about you in my next blog episode.

Fondest regards,

Unknown said...

Dear Steel (Steve):

be thankful that the missing pages weren't found on the floor with brown stains

Riding the Wet Coast
My Flickr // My YouTube

Conchscooter said...

You outdid yourself with this one Riepe. Too bad there are still pockets of resisters who think they can live without this book in their loos.

Cantwell said...

Dear Jack,

I had beers with Hissingaz last week and he told me I should sell my copy. He assured me that I'd get a better return on my 'investment' if I used the money and bought Facebook on it's IPO. Prick.


Ken said...

Monica L Tells me, 'sometimes a cigar is NOT just a cigar'.
Get the book!