Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Interim Twisted Roads Blog Post #214

Twisted Roads — the biker blog that brings you raw moto--adventure and romance like broken glass — publishes humorous editorial at length on Mondays and Thursdays. Yet life is simply too full of the good stuff to ignore the days in between. So from time to time, TW will publish interim blog posts of general interest, moto industry commentary, and other data, adhering to our uncompromising, yet thoroughly peculiar, editorial standards. Today we present:

The Twisted Road’s Motorcyclist’s Courtesy Test...

Biker’s have a reputation of being social Visigoths with short fuses, narrow perspectives, and appetites craving instant gratification for speed, sex, noise, whiskey (beer), danger and the kind of good times normally frowned upon by society in general and the police in particular. Yet thousands of conversations held with riders at rallies, on runs, and during bail hearings indicate most have a gentler side, not normally associated with hard, fast living.

Most riders defy the conclusions of conventional wisdom when it comes to being sensitive individuals, totally in tune with the world around them. For example, “Mother’s Day” remains the most traveled motorcycle holiday of the year, with many accessory shops reporting chromed gear sales — with mufflers, air filter covers, and even gas tanks — engraved to “Mom.” Likewise, tattoo parlors report skyrocketing sales of skin artwork with the word “Mother” prominent in the design on that day. (In many cases, the next word begins with the letter “F,” however.)

Now we are all familiar of the charity runs and the toy collection rides that are held by some of the gruffest and toughest riders on two wheels. But it’s time the general public got solid factual, inside data on sensitive biker behavior. The following survey was designed by Dr. Albert Hissingaz, of the Wilmington Institute of Hollistic Dry Cleaning, as the the ultimate measure of biker behavior. Readers are encouraged to take the poll, cutting and pasting their responses into the comments section at the end of this blog.

Two lucky respondents, chosen at random, will each receive a package of “Big Jim’s” Premium Chocolate Chip Cookies for their efforts.

Question #1:
You have been following a compact car, with Massachusetts plates, on a winding two-plane road for the last 87 miles. The posted speed limit is 45 miles per hour. On three occasions, when the double-yellow line became dotted, the driver ahead of you sped up just enough to prevent you from getting around him. You can see he is a middle-aged man, with thick glasses, and bushy eyebrows — the kind who is either a lecturing economist at Harvard or an actuary at an insurance company. The road is now straight, but with changes in elevation that warrant an endless double-yellow line. You know you can get around him, but there is no guardrail and the sudden shock of blowing past him might cause the driver to swerve and go off the cliff. You decide:

A) Just wait it out and play by the rules, despite the fact this little prick is exactly the kind of person who likes to impose his will on everyone else.

B) Blip your engine while flashing your lights, in hopes that he will wake up, come right, and wave you on... Otherwise, you will play by the rules.

C) Pull over at a pleasant vista; pour a nice cup of hot coffee from a Thermos; and give this jerk a 45-minute lead so you no longer have to think about him.

D) Use the back of your left hand to wipe the foam from your mouth... Wait until you have the very best view of the road ahead... Then blow past this guy, leaning on your Steble/Nautilus compact air horn (while running the mill to a screaming red line), glancing back in the mirror to see the car disappear into a ravine.

Question #2 (Men only)
You come out of a watering hole to discover that a woman, who happens to be a screamingly hot MILF, has placed her toddler on the seat of your $28,000 semi-custom bike, that is 4 days old. You would say:

A) “Excuse me, M’am. But that bike is very heavy and has hot parts on it. Your child could either be burned or crushed by it. I wouldn’t recommend putting the little guy on unattended motorcycles. Here... Let me get in the saddle and we can start it up for him.”

B) “M’am... I must ask you to consider how you’d respond to coming out of church or a town meeting meeting to find me sitting in your car. Now you wouldn’t like that very much, would you? I must ask you to regard this bike the same way.”

C) “Do you and this little guy have first names and cell phone numbers?”

D) “If that kid pisses himself on my custom leather seat both you and he are going to get a one-way trip to a taxidermist, and I don’t give a shit how hot looking you think you are.”

Question #3 (Women Only)
You have been in a local watering hole for the past two hours, chatting up some studly rider who happens to meet your nearly impossible criteria for a potential sperm donor. You look hot in your leathers and the deal is nearly closed, when in comes one of your closest girlfriends, wearing her tightest form-fitting ballistic gear. She is 5’4” tall, Asian, and oozes sensuality. She smiles at the stud, and your stock starts to drop. She heads toward the bathroom, and you follow (in the herding manner of women, who seem to piss best en masse). Once there, you:

A) Politely ask her to disappear as this guy is yours.

B) Drag her into a stall, make out passionately, and invite her back to the house the next night.

C) Pull the toilet seat off the can and smash her in the back of the head with it. After all, good friends should know when to stop being such good friends.

Question #4
You have parked your bike in a marked spot along the curb, where three other bikes are already parked. Yet you come back an hour later to find the other bikes gone, and a half electric/half goat-shit hybrid parked within an inch of your left side bag. The car is so close to your bike, that you cannot lift it from the side stand without having the bag contact the car’s bumper. You would:

A) Patiently wait for the owner of the car to return, so you could explain why parking like this was a bad idea.

B) Struggle to move the bike on the side stand — a fraction of an inch at a time — to ease it away from the car, so you can ride off. Then you leave a note on the car’s windscreen advising the driver that you now have his plate number, and soon his address, where you will meet him on a dark night.

C) Realizing that someone this stupid will not benefit from confrontation, you rip a page out of your road map, spread instant gasket cement (RTV) on one side, and glue it to the windscreen of the hybrid.

D) If it is dark, you do “C” above, then also urinate on the driver’s door handle.

Question #5
One of your riding friends deserves a special Christmas present... But you’re short on cash, having only $45 to spend. Furthermore, you could use a quick pick-me-up yourself, but have to take it out of that same $45. You would:

A) Buy a bottle of Michter’s American Whiskey and drink most of, saving your friend a shot.

B) Buy one ounce of BMW motorcycle touch-up paint and use it to paint your girlfriend’s toenails (if she’ll cook dinner wearing only that and perfume).

C) You buy two copies of Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists — by Jack Riepe — at the special Christmas price of $45 for two books (plus S&H), and get them signed and autographed, and only pay the shipping and handling for one!

If you are ordering two books, the first is $30...
The second is $15 (the original cover price), with only $5 S&H.

The price of a single book is $30, plus $5 S&H

To Order Your Copy of “Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists:”

Email your full name, address, and phone number to:

Put: "Book Order" in the subject line.
Each book is shipped with an invoice and a stamped, pre-addressed payment envelope. Write a check, and slip it in the mailbox when the book arrives.

To Order A Gift Book For Someone Else:

Email your full name, address, and phone number to:

Very Important: Also include the gift book’s recipient’s full name, (First and Last), and tell me something about them. (He or she plays golf... He/she rides a motorcycle... He/she hunts,... He/she smokes cheap cigars... Tell me something.) Your name will be included in the inscription on the book.

Books are shipped 1st class USPS within 24 hours of order, starting Wednesday, November 30th.

These are the last of the author’s authorized signed editions... Order yours today.

©Copyright Jack Riepe 2011


MattPie said...

Jack, I don't understand question 1: how is it that a car could speed up enough such that I couldn't get past it? I worked on the acceleration calculations for a bit, and I just can't find a value that the numbers work out. Could you send me your equations?


Jack Riepe said...

Dear Matt:

It's a lot like that day when all the guys on their "K" bikes (including myself) were doing triple digits, and you were topping out at 85 as the wind blowing over the bars on your naked, steam-driven "R" bike kept getting water vapor in your eyes.

I think the destination that day was Gettysburg.

Fondest regards,

gary5410 said...

I passed the little car ....... didn't notice he sped up! Then I skipped to #5.... I already have a signed copy!
P.S. I couldn't find my pic in the LAST 2011 issue of BMW ON .... I thought you had more pull! ;-)

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Gary:

You'd be surprised at what I have to pull just to get my column in there each month.

Fondest regards,

Cantwell said...

Dear Jack,

C, which is where you just happen to bump into MILF from Q2 again...

A, Kill with kindness and maybe get a blow job. BTW she was with the answer to Q3 (b) about an hour before she sat that kid on the bike...

E, Call Bregstein and have him navigate by GPS into the hybrid. Maybe it'll move enough to stand your bike without hitting it.

D, Keep the copy of PCCSFST because it is leveling your desk and go to the thrift store and buy another copy (also autographed BTW) for five cents and give that to your friend. Spend the remainder of money on Irish Whiskey for yourself.

Mi Chael

Anonymous said...

Oh, so that was why you asked me that damned stupid queston about my child's cell phone number?
Honey, I'm sorry.

BeemerGirl said...

Hmmm...I think a few options are missing in the questions.

Q1: I wouldn't have waited the initial 87 miles to pass the old fart in the middle of the twisties. Forget the Steble, just cut back in quickly forcing him off the road. Less sound, less likely to be heard and remembered by witnesses. Might be able to get away with a "single car accident" verdict.

Q3: I would be more inclined to think that the guy is chatting me up, not me trying to close the deal with him. I would enjoy ignoring him as he pulled out all the stops trying to impress me. Outside of that, the threesome is out of the question?

Q4: While rooting around in my left saddle bag for the map page and RTV, the lock/keys just happen to slid up and down the end of that cute little hybrid, and from stem to stern.

Q5: Buy a bottle of VSOP Cognac for myself. I don't have any friends. And the liquor will bring a couple around for the few minutes I might want company.

Disclaimer: All answers were compiled from the combined computer generated typings of 900 monkeys in attempts to recreate Shakespeares writings.

-Steel Cupcake

Krysta in MKE said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Krysta in MKE said...

(sorry... typo the first time)

Q1: c
Pull over, enjoy the view, don't let him control me.

Q3: B
Though, I too, would try to get both her & him home to mess up the sheets.

Q4: B &/or C
Or maybe E: use my booted feet to push the bumper away from my saddlebag. Down, if rearward didn't work.

Q5: D
Since there's only one "riding friend" I'd be doing something special for (my ex-BF)...:
D: make dinner, including chocolate mousse for him to apply to me...
the aftermath of which would make us both happy

MattPie said...

It's a lot like that day when all the guys on their "K" bikes (including myself) were doing triple digits, and you were topping out at 85 as the wind blowing over the bars on your naked, steam-driven "R" bike kept getting water vapor in your eyes.

I've since streamlined my gear and form, I assure you it won't happen again. :)

Also: comment spam. :(

Chunk Norris said...

87 miles? Really? Musta been a K75. If I decide I'm gonna pass, it's first opportunity that won't get me killed. 2nd or 3rd. Way past before it redlines. I don’t look back.

Who’n the hell would buy a $28,000 ‘semi-custom’ bike? A fully farkled C14 that can outperform any bike that sucked that much money out of some sucker could be had for half of that. It’s a really stupid question. Better luck next time. Do you really think the phone number is real?

That’s my Prius you’re pissing on and I’m gonna run you off the road at the next opportunity. You’ll be able to tell it’s me because of the ‘Armed and Liberal’ sticker on the back.

No thanks. I already have one and my friends never learned how to read. Will use the money to buy beer and gas, not necessarily in that order.

Nikos said...


Do you want an essay for each answer or simple response?

Now I'm on your comments page I cannot see the questions anymore!

I like the WOMENS only one best - it's that derriere in leather perfection thing again darnit


Jack Riepe said...

Drar Mike Cantwell:

You are the despair of the sensitive riding crowd... No truly sensitive rider would mention a "blow job" when he couild get the same level of understanding by referring to it as a "trombone solo."

Still you ae in the running for a box of Big Jim's cookies.

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Anonymous (Leslie):

Nice try, Pal.

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Steel Cupcake (Lori):

So far, your answers are the most comprehensive and make the most sense. You name went straight into the Big Jim's cookie drawing. But I also happen to know that you have a copy of the cigar book, and read it in bed.

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Krysta in MKE:

Very thoughtful answers indicating a very logical thought process... Especially where chocolate mousse is concerned. Your name too went happily into the Big Jim's chocolate chip drawing. I hope you win.

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Matt:

I am forced to review my riding style owing to quick advances in the arthritis department. I am hoping to get a K1200, which can have the pegs lowered. Once that happens, I look forward to being the red glowing dot on the horizon in front of you agan.

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Chuck Norris:

I loved you in that last movie, where you played a 75-year-old Texas Ranger, who got his ass kicked on an exercise machine by Kristie Brinkly.

As a K75 rider, I have already been criticized for passing a schoolbus of armed liberals (each held a whipped cream pie) on a double yellow line.

But I am thrilled you already own the cigar book... That too is for sensitive individuals.

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Nikos:

The next time you come to the US for a biker adventure, I will introduce you to Big Jim and his cookies. Personally, if I was the guy in the bar, I'd have gotten leathers of one, and the phone number from the other.

Fondest regards,

redlegsrides said...

Interesting survey questions Mr Riepe.

I fear the part of me that I continually have to keep locked up tightly into a small compartment, otherwise I end up in jail, leapt at the answer which involved the most mayhem.


Redleg's Rides

Colorado Motorcycle Travel Examiner

Jack Riepe said...

Dear CHarlie6 (Dom):

You still qualify for the cookie drawing.

Fondest regards,

Ken said...

Q1 – Double yellow line, dotted line? Who cares, just pass his sorry behind and forget about him.

Q2 – I would smile and say, “your child is welcome to play with and touch anything on my bike that I can play with or touch on you...

Q3 – NA, but I would suggest a menage a trios as a viable solution.

Q4 – Hopefully the driver has a plug kit and a 12v compressor.

Q5 – A ‘special friend’ won’t need the booze to stay ‘special’.

Unknown said...


1. Give him the finger.
2. Give her the finger (whichever one she wants.)
4. D, then wait for the driver and give him the finger.
5. Buy two bottles of whiskey, steal the book, drink both bottles, and give everyone the finger.

I think I've covered all my bases. Though, with my new lease on life, I may need to get armed, though none of the antagonists seemed terribly frightening. I mean, that last guy has a car that will only pick up NPR.

Behind Bars - Motorcycles and Life

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Ken:

Well said and well commented. You have been entered into the drawing for Big Jim's Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Brady:

The "Finger" remains the single-most effective means of communication ever devised by humans. I have since learned, however, that giving the finger to a senior citizen, driving a Crown Victoria, is like expressing a death wish.

You have been entered into the Big Jim's Chocolate Chip Cookie Drawing.

Fondest regards,

Fondest regards,.

Mark Shiner said...

Dear Jack,

I'm with Brady, but I think that I would flick a big booger on the slowpokes windshield too.



Lady R (Di) said...

In the interest of exposing my true thoughts, it was necessary for me to combine two answers to every question. I hope that doesn’t qualify me for the cookies. All this thinkin’ makes a gal hungry!

Q #1: I wouldn’t have been there 87 miles later, but since that’s not how the question was posed, I’d have to say… B) Blip your engine while flashing your lights; & then D) … blow past this guy. (all while flying your eagle and shouting your greeting…Mass-hole!!)

Q #2: (It’s a good thing I don’t have to answer this) bitch… just sayin’.

Q #3: B) Drag her into a stall, make out passionately; & then C) Pull the toilet seat off the can and smash her in the back of the head with it. (I don’t share my toys very well!)

Q #4: A) Patiently wait for the owner of the car to return, so you could explain why parking like this was a bad idea. & then D) (whether it’s dark or not!) urinate on the driver’s door handle. (since this particular action may prove difficult for me to perform myself, I’ve decided to hire the slow Mass-hole in Q #1 to do this for me… or else!)

Since I am one of the fortunate ones to already be blessed with my own, autographed copy of Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists — by Jack Riepe, and none of my friends can read, I’d have to say…

Q #5: A) Buy a bottle of Michter’s American Whiskey and drink most of it, saving your friend a shot. (Hmmmm… I wonder how Big Jims Chocolate Chip Cookies tastes with Michter’s American Whiskey?)

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Mark:

You want to reconsider, and use a brick. Some gestures are just too subtle for the masses. Thanks for reading Twisted Roads and for leaving a comment.Your name has been entered into the Twisted Roadsdrawing for Big Jim's Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Fondest regards,

Jack Riepe said...

Dear Lady R:

It is always a pleasure to hear from you... I found your answers to be thorough and thoughtful... As well as colorful! And they would never disqualify from the cookie drawing.

Thaks for reading Twisted Roads and for writing in.

Fondest regards,

Rhonda said...

Q1: Answer own: I would roll up next to him and flash my boobs, as he slowed down to gawk, I'd flip him my finger and blow by.

Q2: N/A

Q3: Answer own: Ignore the bitch and invite the guy out back and offer the guy a BJ on the spot. Problem solved.

Q4: Answer D if I could...problem with us girls, we can't so I would go with C and maybe use my keys to help "decorate" his car with my signature.

Q5: Answer own. Spend half the money on a good bottle of wine for myself and convince you to send me one copy of Politically Correct Cigar Smoking For Social Terrorists, signed for my favorite biker (my hubby) for the remainder of what I have left over....better two bottles of my favorite wine and get the hubby drunk and convince you to just do like other bloggers and have a "give-away" and send me your book for free. Drunk, well read and laid...a perfect holiday night.

GF said...

Q1: "D" (87 miles?? you must have lots of patience) at mile 1 I would be on his blind spot just so he would think I was gone, then quickly pull up next to him and blow the 131dB on his ear and quickly pull away while glancing at the mirror with a grin as the asshole went down the ravine.

Q2: "D" again. and lady, I don't take cash, check or credit cards but you are going to pay for it, I have a better way to receive payment ;-)

Q3: "D" again, and in order to get to the driver side my key would unfortunately have to follow the half goat contour all the way around, it's dark after all and I can't see where I'm going :-)

Q4: "B" the only thing I would buy from BMW ;-) I already have the book and it's autographed by a Mr Bourne

Anonymous said...

I was looking to buy the book, but found that the link was broken. I did find that they new copies show up on ebay for a reasonable price.